A World in Review

The Last Relationship

2009-10-20T12:03:00.000-04:00

I was reading this article a few days ago and haven't been able to stop thinking about it since.

While I watch Mad Men and have enjoyed the entertainment provided by the character Don Draper, the focus of this article that stuck out to me was the analysis of relationships.

The specific portion that sticks with me is the idea that there are two types of relationships. The first type is modeled by Don Draper on the show. He is married but has various adulterous affairs at points throughout the show. While this life of having no consequences for your actions and seeming to always get what you want sounds appealing, the author points out what is going on underneath the surface. The reality is that Don can have these affairs because the relationship he has with his wife is shallow and meaningless. There is no guilt or regret because the deeper feelings don't exist, only a shallow act, with both parties playing the part.

Now the second type of relationship is not modeled in the show. The author enlightens us though, saying that in it both parties have a real connection. As is seen in writings about marriage, the idea is that the relationship between two parties is so strong that each puts the groups best benefit ahead of that of the individual. If one of these parties was to participate in an affair, it would shatter that dynamic and tear the relationship apart.

The author goes on to discuss the bar scene. Those looking for the second type of relationship fail when meeting people at the bar. This is because the ideal for them would be to find someone who is interested in them uniquely for who they are, meaning no other would do. The reality of the bar scene is that everyone is interchangeable; the reason a person is able to attract another is that the other being attracted could be replaced by any other. There is no uniqueness, no interest in the individuals defining characteristics, only that they embody what is being sought out at this current moment in time.

This has stuck with me for so long because of how much I can identify with it. Having been in a long term relationship, I've seen what the second type of relationship could be like. Unfortunately, I sought too hard to mold the relationship into the second type instead of seeking one that would naturally fit into it. Ever since, I've spent time learning about the first type, trying to come to terms with why I couldn't find the second at the bars where relationships seem so easy to trigger.

I'm looking forward to seeing what further insight can come from the second part of his analysis.

Salary and Incentives

2009-10-12T16:20:00.003-04:00

I had a conversation with a girl at one point where we talked about incentives. All these things that you could do: make more money, ask for a promotion, start a new business. The blocking point always comes back to the fundamental question, why?

Her incentive was so that she could stay home and have more sex. Gotta love progressive thinking ;)

In all reality, she is leaps and bounds ahead of me. My life has become a trap of accepted losses. I've trained myself into thinking I have to stay where I am so I can pay the bills with a potential future upside. My focus has become minimizing expenses instead of promoting growth.

Not sure how to incentivize my way out though, since all options seem to contain the subset of working at a job I hate for 8 hours a day until the transition can occur. The decision around if it can happen or not is also centered around a choice made by someone else, unless I miraculously determine how to make someone else do what I want them to do.

Men and Women Interaction

2009-10-08T16:43:00.000-04:00

I found this article today.

I sent it to a couple of female friends to see if they agreed with it or not. Both of them did, which completely astounds me as a guy. Being a 5'10", small shouldered, 165lb guy, I've never considered myself much of a physical threat. To see that women think like this is pretty shocking. Frankly, more disturbing than shocking.

My favorite part was actually one commenter who wrote this:

"I have to admit I’m troubled by the idea that somehow every man should be viewed as a potential rapist. Yes, using common sense makes sense. But, to me, assuming that a guy who says hi to you on a bus may want to rape you is taking that a step too far, and isn’t much different from the parents who refuse to allow their 11-year-old to walk two blocks to the bus stop lest they be kidnapped by one of the child molesters hiding in the bushes. Child sexual abuse happens. It’s wrong, it’s tragic, and it should be dealt with so it becomes less common. But, viewing every adult or situation with suspicion is not the best way to go about that, and I think viewing every man or social interaction with a man you don’t know as a potential rape threat is also not particularly productive.

For me, I refuse to live my life in fear. I also refuse to let the fact that some men are rapists keep me from engaging in a friendly way in everyday social interactions with men, even if those interactions aren’t always the ones I’d most want to be having. Do I take reasonable precautions? Of course. If I get a genuinely creepy vibe off somebody, or I suspect I’m being followed, I take action. But, I just don’t get scared (or annoyed, or put out) because a guy on a bus or at a coffee shop or in the library starts talking to me. Because odds are they are NOT a rapist, odds are I’m in a situation where they could not do me any physical harm without causing a scene even if they wanted to, and I just won’t view others through the lens of fear.

I mean, yeah, it’s annoying when you are trying to listen to your iPod and somebody starts talking to you on a bus, whether it’s a man or woman. But, honestly, I feel like I see a little bit of trying to justify that annoyance at having your sense of personal isolation/space invaded by treating it as a genuine threat, when in most cases it isn’t. I don’t know, I feel like part of the price we pay for living in a society–like paying taxes–is having to at times endure social interactions we would rather not be engaged in. It means sometimes listening to the woman sitting next to you in the waiting room tell you about her daughter’s wedding or the guy sitting next to you on the plane tell you about his job even though you’d really rather not have to deal with either of them. We are not guaranteed the right, when we go out in public, to not have any social interactions we don’t want to have. We do have the right to not be harassed, of course. But, a guy (or women, or child) saying hello and trying to strike up a non-sexual conversation isn’t engaging in harassment, even if he is annoying. Some people just don’t have the same set of social skills that we might expect, and in general they mean no harm, and really in a public place they could do very little harm even if they did intend it, so I don’t really see why they need to be treated as a potential rapist rather than as a human being who might just want some human connection of some kind in a culture that seems to be sorely lacking in opportunities for it.

I just see so many people complain about having to deal with other people, and honestly I think it’s something we just need to suck it up and accept as part of life. Some people can’t stand ever having a child make noise around them. Some people (and I admit to being one of them, although I try to just get over it and deal) can’t stand having to sit next to somebody on a bus who doesn’t have the same hygiene habits we expect, or having a fat person near them on a plane. Some people don’t like men talking to them. And while people will have reasons of varying degrees of validity for those feelings, I’m not sure we can expect the world to cater to any of them, unless we go off to live in isolation somewhere, or that we should expect the world to cater to them. I may want to knit and listen to my iPod on the plane, but that doesn’t mean that I have some inalienable right to do so without anybody interrupting me, or that somebody is committing a grave wrong if they dare try to engage me in conversation.

I live in an area with a really high rate of property crime. And yet I’m not going to approach every male between maybe 15-30 (those most likely to commit the crimes) as if they may or may not be a purse-snatcher. I’m just not. I will not live my life in fear like that. I won’t demean the vast majority of men between 15-30 living here who aren’t thieves by doing that. That is, for me, no way to live. And it saddens me enormously that so many women seem to view every single man they don’t know as a potential rapist, just like it saddens me how many parents raise their children to view every adult they don’t know as a potential child molester. We do need to be aware and alert, but I also think we shouldn’t let that awareness turn into a paranoia that causes us to deny the fact that most people–male or female–are basically good people who have desires and intentions not much different from our own."

As a nice guy who this kind of behavior is outside the realm of possibility for, that just summed it all up for me.

On the Internet, No One Knows You're a Dog

2009-09-02T11:15:00.000-04:00

I run into this problem frequently. Doing software development work at my job, I'm practically required to be at the computer 8 hours a day. That being said, the only way to talk to my friends is through chat programs, text messages or email. Being someone with an overactive imagination, my friends overtime seem to develop their own 'online identity' in my mind.

Have you ever noticed that? Your friend Mike can be thought of one way, but MikeIsCool55 seems to take on his own identity completely separate from his reality. Maybe the concepts discussed online are different than the ones in person, maybe the lack of body language and inflection creates a course separate identity, maybe I'm actually talking to someone else!

Regardless of what causes it, it creates a problem. The problem mainly being that over time the real person often becomes a subset of the online fantasy. So when you do then see the person face-to-face, the illusion is shattered.

This happened to me just a few days ago. I talk to one of my friends everyday online. Going to see her in person at her job, it was like the mask came off. Now, whenever I think about talking to her online all I can picture is the reality... and it bothers me. I liked the fantasy better.

Has anyone else experienced this? Any thoughts or solutions?

Bird's Eye View

2009-09-01T17:19:00.000-04:00

Often times I feel like I get sucked into a low level view of my life. It becomes a struggle to just 'get through the next day' or 'knock this task off the check list'. The bigger forest is lost from inside the trees.

This most often occurs when I spend a large amount of time talking to one person. Like a movie goer, I get sucked into their plot line and start to see life from their perspective. Often I can even become addicted to their point of view, like I want to suck every last thought out so I can map out their entire perspective and then see the world through their eyes.

In some cases I imagine this could be a good thing. If the person is positive and optimistic, it can pull me out of funk. If they are creative, passionate or motivated, it can inspire me to charge forward. In the cases when the person is negative and cynical, it can be disastrous. I start to spiral around in their negative thought pattern, seeing each task as an unbeatable challenge and crumbling further and further under the weight.

Only when I break myself away from the individual do I start to regain focus and perspective.

Often I quip about needing new friends or wanting to restart my life somewhere else. While I am mainly just joking, there is a kernel of truth in those thoughts. I seem to be effected to a large degree by the people that surround me, seemingly more than others. So going forward I need to take stock of who I surround myself with and choose with care.

Do you see these same patterns? What have you done to beat them?

IM Problem

2009-08-27T12:38:00.000-04:00

There are a lot of subtle benefits to my job. I get paid more than a lot of my friends. I have unadulterated internet access. I'm paid to sit on the computer all day. There really isn't a lot of work that I have to do. I know everyone that I work with. I can come and go as I please each day with little thought to anyone watching me or caring. I have access to latest and greatest software.

In all honesty, it's a great job. There are very little problems I just do what is asked of me and don't go looking for them. The biggest problem is my own lack of patience and laziness. It's easier to sit around and read articles all day than talk to someone about getting more interesting work to do. It's easier to talk to friends online and complain about how bored I am than actually sit and focus on task or talk to someone in the office and get a solution for whatever my roadblock is.

I love the fantasy though. The idea that there is some perfect job out there. Or really that I can get paid to do whatever I want whenever I want.

Every time I start something new, I expect some ideal situation. I'm going to walk in and be surrounded by smart, successful, beautiful people all with big goals and dreams and connections to make them happen. Even the MBA program I just started, the people are normal. There is a range of backgrounds, ages and ambitions. But for some reason I wanted some perfect fantasy.

I'm not sure where my expectations come from. Maybe it's all just because of some ridiculous fantasy. I'm in love with what could be rather than what is. Always thinking something else would be better rather than enjoying what is.

Will I always want the fantasy? Will I ever find happiness in what I have?

Anyone else notice this? What have you done about it?

Frustrated

2009-08-11T11:43:00.000-04:00

I found a way out!

I'm applying for an MBA program that starts in two weeks. I even did some research and found a Graduate Assistant position that will pay for my tuition. In a matter of two to three weeks, my life could be completely turned around and finally heading in the direction I want.

So why am I frustrated?

Well, after a marathon of events to get essays put together and all the information needed for my application, I was able to submit it last week. Now it currently is sitting in 'Incomplete' status because I need one more recommendation letter submitted.

So my future is hanging in the balance and it's all pending the actions of other people outside of my control.

The tough thing about a recommendation is that the person writing it is already doing you a favor. So to bug them and pester them to finish faster isn't going to help your cause. If you want a good recommendation, you have to give them time to put it together on their schedule.

So here I sit, tense, nervouse, excited... and my fate out of my hands, waiting on other people.

Conversations in my Head

2009-07-09T12:25:00.001-04:00

Now, before you jump to "Wow, this guy is a crazy.", let me explain.

Sometimes when I'm stressed out, or I feel like someone is expecting something from me that I can't fulfill, I start to have these conversations in my head. Essentially it is very simple. The person I feel like has some demand for my time or some expectation of me is who I converse with. Usually it goes something like this:

"I thought we were going to "

"I'm sorry, I have too much going on and I'm struggling to keep up with it. I feel really overwhelmed."

"Yes, but you know we do , so I'm expecting to do it"

"Yes, I know. I can't though! I'm sorry. What am I suppose to do? I can't do everything for everyone."

"Yes, but still, I don't want to be disappointed."

"I'm sorry, but it can't be about you all the time. This time it's about me, I'm the one who needs help."

"Yes, but I can't help you."

"I know, but you could at least not add more stuff."

"Yes, but..."

After actually writing it down, I'm starting to see why I'm so stressed out all the time. First, I seem to create obligations in my mind that may or may not actually exist. Second, I have an inability to actually let other people help me. Third, I'm always trying to do everything, even though it just isn't possible.

Ok, now you can go to "Wow, this guy is crazy."

Split Focus and Time Management

2009-07-07T11:39:00.001-04:00

After moving over the weekend, I am now focusing on repairing my routine and getting to a stable situation. Here are some of my observations about this process:

- When I signed up for commitments, I made the decision based on my schedule and the time available at the time of the decision, with no considerations of future demands.

- One main thing trapping me in my current job is that, in order to fill the boredom of the downtime, I've made other obligations that now require me to have a certain amount of down time at work.

- There are an infinite number of things a person could do, but inconsistent effort is wasted due to all the directions it pulls an individual being in opposition.

- Everything in life involves elements of resource management, there is only so much time, effort and energy a person has.

- A team of people can accomplish so much more than just one. This is why quick sort and heap sort work so well.

- Roommate dynamics, without existing relationships, are similar to entering a prison. You have to establish the ground rules immediately, but at the same time not make decisions too early.

My final conclusion in all of this is that there is no right/wrong way to do things. You cannot do anything 'perfectly' because everyone has their own perspective and definition. Life is all about making things work effectively.

Is the Resume dead?

2009-07-06T14:27:00.000-04:00

With high unemployment rates (9%?) and jobs becoming harder and harder to find, esp for new grads, is the resume dead?

The resume, or the "Curriculum vitae" is a listing of experience and qualifications. While there are a large variety of formats and a larger body of recommendations for how to write a resume, the concept is to display what you have done in the past that will qualify you for the future. As technology has progressed, resumes seem to have boiled down to documents sent through key word searches or quickly scanned and parsed by a Human Resources professional.

Just because an applicant has a well presented and written resume or a large list of qualifications, there is still no guarantee that they will work for the company or that the company is the right fit for them. In fact, the flat, stale document only tells a small story that can make the matching process almost impossible for anyone who is not highly experienced or in some cases, just lucky.

So what solution is there for this problem? With the trend in technology towards the sharing of more and more information, shouldn't the resume also get a face lift? Why not present a more holistic approach where the elements that makes up a person's life are included in the hiring determination process? Already places like Facebook, MySpace and even Twitter are being examined, sometimes without the prospects knowledge. Why not make this information part of the process for the applicant?

My proposed solution is for prospective employees to scrap the online application process. Instead of having to fill out the same forms for every application, this information should be included in our online representation of ourselves. Entered once, privacy can be placed around it so that it is not visible to the general public but could be quickly sent out to companies of our choosing. In this ideal representation, an individual can keep record of all the activities they feel are relevant and then these will be displayed as a listing of credentials.

The benefit of leaving it to the user to update their profile, is in their choosing of activities worth listing. While they may participate in ten activities, the two or three they then write into their profile are going to be the ones they enjoyed the most. Essentially this filtering allows for the individual to lay out their interests and passions for all to see. Companies can then find the people who are most likely to enjoy the job they need filled based on a quick search of public profiles.

Moving to the City

2009-06-30T16:06:00.000-04:00

I've decided to make some shifts in my life. The major one I'm working on is moving to the city.

Packing is always an interesting experience. Only by physically going through all your stuff and attempting to figure out how to transport it from location to location do you realize its real value. Some things you gladly find ways to transport. Others you realize are just slow accumulations of things you don't want to invest the time into dealing with.

While moving can be stressful and require a large amount of invested time and effort, I feel like it would be in people's best interest to move every two years. If you have a house and mortgage, maybe you shouldn't actually move but instead still pack up and then unpack all of your stuff.

This sounds absurd I'm sure. It takes a lot of time to move all the stuff around and when you unpacked it the first time you put mental energy into determining where and how you wanted it. The thing though, is over time it is easy to get stuck in a rut. If everything is always done the same, how can you really expect anything to change in your life?

Maybe you're happy with your life and don't want it to change. That's fine. But if you aren't happy, breaking up the routine and changing things around can potentially give you that boost to making life better.

Change can be difficult and often reverts back to old ways. Sometimes though, you can trigger a difference that makes all the effort worth it.

Life Area Effects

2009-06-25T13:54:00.000-04:00

I've been noticing lately the combined effects of areas of my life. Say you break an individual down into the following areas:
Physical Health, Employment (Work / Job / Contribution), Financial, Relationships
Each of these elements contributes to some degree to their overall happiness level. Having a strong foundation and support structure in one area will help make up for deficiencies in others. As things change, it could topple over existing structures.

I wish I had a better grasp of this concept. Right now my work life has gone up and down, sometimes adding positive support, other times dropping the floor out from under me. My living situation is in flux as I prepare for a big move, so that has caused some stress. I've developed some good relationships that are adding to my life and providing some solid support.

It's hard to quantify and qualify all these influences and come up with any kind of model for actually objectifying how they impact my life. In order to do that I would need to spend some time clarifying the parameters and logging enough information to start creating definitions and logging real conclusions.

My current goal is to put together a program around this kind of foundation. I'm going to take my business coaching company and turn it into a life coaching company. I'll work with individuals to lay out specific life improvement goals and then design steps they take towards them as well as ways to measure them and record the results.

This is all in a very soft, formative stage at this point, but my interest has been in this kind of thing for a while. I feel like I have a clearer idea of what I want to accomplish with this approach than I had with the business coaching, so making this switch will be a step in the right direction. It's going to take a lot of time and focus though, so I've got a lot of things to take care of first.

I'll try to continue to update the process.

My Life is a Mess

2009-06-23T14:28:00.000-04:00

I had dinner with a friend last night and left with one primary feeling over everything else. My life is a mess.

I'm not sure when or how it happened, but I know at this point I've lost focus on all my goals and objectives for my life. So much so at this point that I don't even know where to begin to find out where I left off.

To be fair, I'm currently suffering from a Respiratory infection. The effects of this have been extreme fatigue and lack of memory along with a deep cough. As you can tell from my writing, I'm also having an increasingly hard time organizing and collecting my thoughts. I'm all over the place with pretty much everything that I do.

I had thought that I was doing well. I have a job that makes me a good amount of money, a place to live, a car. I have good friends and a large family. Most people would probably trade with me at any point. Knowing that doesn't help much since I feel so confused and lost.

I've gotten to the point know where there are just so many things to know and consider about every aspect of life that I've completely lost the ability to discern what is right or wrong. I feel like I have preferences for some things over others, but most of the time I am not conscious of my decision making process or cognoscente of the factors I'm using in making choices.

I feel very lost and purposeless.

Work Rollercoaster

2009-06-19T10:49:00.000-04:00

So yesterday, at the end of the day, one of my coworkers gave me a public dressing down about creating work items in our system. Normally, this kind of thing really wouldn't bother me, but it really got to me this time, and has every time it has happened at this company. The reason for this is because I was doing exactly what I was told to do by my boss. When I tried to defend myself, she told me that my boss is wrong and not to do it anymore.

I've had a good number of jobs so far in my life. I worked at my parish office, as a lifeguard, for a few temp companies, at the dorm front desk, for a defense software company, at GameStop and now at this health IT company. This is the only place I've felt like I don't know what is expected of me, if I'm doing my job correctly.

I feel trapped in a dead end job. It's like an abusive relationship - I want to leave but I need it to pay the bills. I've been working here for two years and it's almost like I've done so many different things that I'm not good at anything.

At this point I'm really just lost. I've lost so much professional confidence that I don't know what to do.

Can anyone help me?

The Cardinal

2009-06-03T17:29:00.004-04:00

Before I begin this story, a quick disclaimer. I don't know what you believe, this story is not about beliefs or trying to convince you to believe something you do not. This story is about a personal experience that meant something to me and I found worthy to share.

Three years ago, on June 1, 2006, my grandmother passed away. She was a sweet lady who firmly believed in killing with kindness and always supported her family in good times and bad. She loved animals, one particular one being cardinals, and hence had collected a good number of them. After she passed, it was decided that each grandchild would be given one to help remember her.

I never felt I needed a cardinal to remember my Grandmother, but I did decide that every time I saw a cardinal going forth from then on, it would mean that my Grandma was looking out for me like she had during some critical times in my life.

On Monday, June 1, 2009 I was scheduled to give my tenth speech for Toastmasters. Since the tenth speech is a landmark in which you are awarded your Competent Communicator award, I decided to invite my family and friends to come see it. This was a big mistake because it amplified my nervousness about giving the speech.

I had spent a lot of time writing, revising and reviewing my speech but for some reason I could not get it to stick in my mind. The night before I recorded myself saying each part of the speech and even set it to play back in a loop while I slept. Unfortunately, the only consequence of this was my having a dream in which I could not get an mp3 player I was listening to with my speech playing to stop, no matter how many times I hit pause.

Sleep deprived and a nervous wreck, I struggled through my normal routine and headed off to work. Almost on the verge of a panic attack, I pulled up to the stop sign at the end of my neighborhood and that's when it happened. Over the car flew a cardinal, ducking in to sight right in front of me. It hung in the air for a few moments and then glided off down the road.

A wave washed over me and I thought of my grandma. It was like she was saying not to worry, it would all turn out alright. And the panic inside of me released.

That night I gave my speech and it went even better than I expected. My family and friends enjoyed it. It was a great accomplishment for me and a night I won't soon forget.

But what sticks with me now is the memory of that cardinal flying overhead and the knowledge that even still, in those critical moments, my grandma is still looking over me.

The War Within - Toastmasters Speech #10

2009-06-03T17:27:00.000-04:00

The War Within – Toastmasters Speech #10

There is no instruction manual for life. At times we all wish that there was some clear set path for what to do and what direction to follow. Maybe in the form of a voice booming out from the sky, telling us what is right for our life. But this could never work because life is not actually a journey, not a straight path towards a destination. Life is a battle, a constant struggle between two great forces.
Madam Toastmaster, fellow toastmasters and all my fellow warriors in this battle we call life.

Before I describe the two sides, I think all of us have already experienced them. Every day we face a multitude of choices. Most of these choices have become so routine that we make them in our subconscious. But it is not the individual smaller choices that really defines us, but rather the large choice of what direction in which we are moving our lives.

Growing up, I was always following the goal, “do well in school, take a hard major, get a safe, secure job”. I put the time and effort in to do well and graduate as quickly as I could. After graduation, I had lined up a good job and was ready to reap the rewards of my diligence and hard work. But when I started working, I realized something was wrong.

Looking at my life, everything read so well on paper. I had accomplished all my goals, avoided all the classic pitfalls, and had done all that should have been required for success. But stats and credentials on paper never seem to capture the whole picture. I had thought that the battle was over and I had won, but in reality, the internal struggle had just begun.

So what is this struggle? On one side, we have what we know in our core we want, what will validate us, what will give our lives the purpose that we desire. This is our essence, our driving force, our true motivation and the only real guide book that exists for our lives. It is unique to us and something that we can only determine on our own, by learning who we are and what makes us that way.

On the other side, we have the enemies fighting against us. They take many forms, like feelings such as fear, doubt, and uncertainty. External forces like peer pressure, a sense of keeping up with the Jones’, and society’s path for our lives. Even temptations like fame, fortune or power. One or all of these or others may influence us. They trick us into thinking we should try be a different person, follow someone else’s dream or think less of ourselves.

This can affect us in a wide variety of ways. We could spend time with the wrong crowd of people, who can influence us to think negatively or participate in destructive acts. We could work a job we hate just for the money and fear that we have no alternative ways to create income. We could stay in an abusive relationship because we feel that no one else would want us. Any or all of these things weigh on us since we know it is not what we want, but the fear is too great to move forward.

Our world celebrates the stories of great individuals that have come before, people who have a list of amazing accomplishments. The focus is always the end of the struggle, where they reach a level of success that makes an impact on the world. But a key element that is often brushed quickly aside is the deep price paid to walk the path to greatness. Often they were forced to let go of all they had, fall to the point where they had nothing left except their passion for what they wanted to define their lives. Once they had nothing left to lose, only then were they able to know with absolute certainty what was really important.

I cannot claim to know what you want, only you can know that. I do know that we all share this deep desire to be ourselves, to know our purpose and to leave our mark. It is not easy to do this. Often it is only the flames of conflict, the pounding force of loss, and the intimidating fear of confronting the unknown that inspires this personal growth.

How do we begin to change the tide in this battle? How do we take control of our life and take the right path? How do we really know what we want? By listening to ourselves. We all already have the right answer, we just have to start being true to it. It may not be easy, but we don’t have to do it all at once, we just have to take the first step.

So I encourage you to take that next step. Challenge the fear head on and push it back. Take the risk, pay the price and know that the battles may be difficult, but you will win the war within.

Winds of Change

2009-05-18T15:56:00.000-04:00

I'm getting this feeling today. I have no scientific evidence to prove that it means anything. All I know is that I feel like a wave is building on the horizon, gaining strength and speed as it moves closer. A wave of change.

I posted previously about looking to find a new job. I've poked and prodded here and there with little result so far. I don't know if that will be the change or something else. I feel almost like a restlessness, like a tired patron watching the end of an act of a play before the curtain followed by the start of a new scene.

Tomorrow I embark on a trip to the Midwest. I'm capitalizing on the opportunity by stopping in Las Vegas for a few days on the way back. I feel like it's the intermission during the scene change and when I get back, the shift will occur.

Again, I don't know what this really means. Maybe nothing will come of it. But at the same time I trust my gut.

How to find the right Career for you

2009-05-11T11:56:00.002-04:00

There are a lot of how to guides for finding the right career for you. Many people have written long books explaining detailed processes for narrowing it down and figuring it all out. Usually this involves some kind of paper and pen list. You write down everything you like in the world, and as you do it you slowly get a better idea for what you like more than than other things. Then eventually your favorite activity is suppose to bubble up to the surface of your brain and you're happy and know exactly what you want.

In my experience, this has never worked. I have a lot of interests and they are often changing or are unrelated to each other. Also, part of what would make a great job for me would be that it changes frequently since I get bored with doing the same thing and often go through periods where I feel more or less inclined to work independently.

Another large factor in determining what I want to do is the pay. No, life is not all about money. I do have financial goals as well as bills to pay though, so as much as I'd like to pretend I don't need to think about money at all, that would be a lie.

So taking all of this into account, I present you with a new strategy. It's as simple as possible and involves no pencil and paper. Here goes...

Envision all of your hobbies that you are an active participant in doing the work beyond just being a member. For example, if you write on a forum all day, this does not count. If you have signed up to be an administer for that forum, then that would count. If you just attend meetings, that does not count. If you are on an executive committee or are helping out on projects, that counts.

Now that you know what you care enough about to actually put extra work into, merge those activities with your current job. Think about what position would use all of those skills or would combine those interests. It doesn't have to be exact, but should be related.

In order to offer more clarity, I will use myself as a demonstration.

Right now I volunteer as a coach for a basketball team, I am the Treasurer of the Toastmasters club that I belong to, I am a Lector at my church and I organize my own group for the MS walk. Since I play active roles in coaching, Toastmasters and the MS walk but am just a participant as a Lector, I will remove that from consideration. My day job is doing software development work.

So taking all this together, I should do a job involving coaching/teaching how to use or develop software and includes gathering and coordinating a group of people for a good cause.

Now, that's not a final result but without needing paper and a pen, I have a solid idea that I can use as a starting point and continue to refine. With the right direction in mind, I can either work to shape my current job into something that fits that, or try to jump to another position that is inline with my idea.

Nostalgia

2009-05-08T09:55:00.001-04:00

"Nostalgia has an expiration date."

That was a quote from my brother. He was cleaning up his room before moving out to college and had been piling a lot of old mementos into the trash. He was moving on and cleaning out the old to make room for the new.

In some ways I really agree with him. I've noticed recently that I have no memory of most days. They fit the pattern like most of the others with small differences, but on the whole it all just blurs together. Life has become more about the routine and the long term effect of habits over individual unique experiences.

But there are some times when that's not true. I'll eat a certain food, drive by a certain location or hear a certain song and it'll trigger a memory. Only those truly happy times really stick that well, and when I remember them is when I get that feeling of nostalgia.

This morning I heard 'Ants Marching' by the Dave Matthews Band and it triggered a memory of my brothers and I all hanging out in the basement of my parent's house. It seems so long ago at this point, but it was some of the happiest times in my life. Just like now, there are problems you are dealing with or things you are struggling to accomplish, but something about that camaraderie just resonates deeply inside.

At this point we are all much older. Our lives are further developed, our interests and social networks expanded further away from each other. Our situations and responsibilities much different. Those times have long past.

The thought makes me sad. In life there is always going to be change. You can only hold onto people, places or things for so long before the expiration date comes.

It is comforting though to know that even when everything else starts to be forgotten, some memories will always remain.

How to Deal with Uncertainty

2009-05-06T10:57:00.000-04:00

A little background information first. Recently I've been feeling good and thinking a lot clearer. I'm not sure the exact cause of this, my current theory is that by switching to sleeping on my stomach instead of my back is preventing me from rolling around in my sleep, so I actually get more REM sleep and my body is actually healing and recovering.

So, having this new found energy, I've been putting a lot of thought into my life and how to improve my current situation. For the past year or so, I've been thrashing around between ideas, not really knowing what direction I want to take or what I really want to do. This is partially because even though I have an idea of where I want to go, I have no idea what steps to take to actually get there. I keep trying things, but not with any consistency or effort to actually get anywhere.

Along this line, a recent post on Steve Pavlina's blog talks about the 'Abuse of Power' and how a person can end up in a self-defeating cycle that imprisons them rather than enabling them (http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2009/05/abuse-of-power/). This is precisely what I had been doing by constantly answering the question, "What do I want to do with my life?" with "I don't know". The reality is that I do know. I want to work in a situation like Toastmasters, where there is a structured program for growth with clear steps and milestones of achievement. I want to take what I learn and then mentor others who want to learn those skills. I want to become a leader and take on larger challenges.

At my current job, I have begun to do this in some ways. I'm doing business analysis work on a health care system in CNMI. I'm running the QA and Testing effort for the DJS. I created a new structure for how documentation should be stored and used internally so that it can be shared and used as an asset. Unfortunately, I have no interest in electronic health records or Mental Health and Substance Abuse treatment. Therefore, I'm currently focusing my efforts on finding quality companies that work in sectors that I am interested in, such as Green Technology and Military Defense.

What this all comes back to is goals. It is easy to start drifting through life when you have too much uncertainty about what you want. The problem with this is that no one is going to come into your life and tell you what you want. The only way to figure it out is to cut down the options to a manageable number and then make the effort to start trying them. Pick one thing, put your best effort out to making it happen. If you don't like it, you cross it off the list and move onto the next thing.

Trust me, I know I make it sound easy but is actually really hard to do. No one likes failing, no one likes rejection. As much as they hurt, they are less painful than the feeling of regret of seeing time go by and having nothing to show for it. Nothing is as disheartening as the feeling of drifting, uncertain what to do.

One of the member of my Toastmasters club just won the International Speech Competition at the District level. His speech centered around one key point that is important for everyone. To be a leader, to accomplish your goals, to be respected and create value, you need to start with three words.

I am responsible.

Specialization

2009-05-01T11:53:00.001-04:00

I've finally made this realization. Interestingly enough, I've been told this many times in the past but for some reason it never really clicked until now. Life demands specialists.

What am I talking about?

Well, think of your own experiences. When you do searches online. When you talk to your friends. Whenever you do anything. What are you looking for? An expert.

Say you're hungry and you want Chinese food. What is the thought process? I imagine it goes something like this:
- What Chinese places do I know?
- Am I happy with my recent experience at favorite of places that I know?
- Do I want to try something new?
- Who do I know that likes Chinese?
- Where do they think I should eat?

Let's say you're going to cook dinner. Do you ask someone who doesn't know how to cook what you should do? No, you ask someone with relative experience greater than yours. If you do a search online, you are looking for a specific piece of knowledge or a detailed guide, not information about the theory behind cooking or a story someone wrote about an experience they had cooking.

The world demands specialists. That's where keywords comes in. That's where clients come from. People's nature to seek out someone who knows better than them in one specific topic.

So the question is, what to specialize in? What to be an expert on?

Normally, I have a tendency to learn something quickly and then move on to something new. Instead of doing that, I need to pick a specific process, do it, get to an expert level at it and then write up descriptions for how to do it that others will want to benefit from.

I do this naturally in a lot of scenarios. I analyze situations and anything that I repeatedly do, I create algorithms for how to do it in an optimal fashion. Now I need to start transcribing them and then publishing them.

Laughing By Myself

2009-05-01T09:24:00.001-04:00

So after a few days of watching reactions, I'm getting the impression that I'm the only one who laughs at my jokes.

I'm not exactly sure why this is. Personally, I think my jokes are witty and well timed. Apparently from empirical evidence, I may be the only one who thinks this. It's strange though because the stupid, obvious jokes that other people make seem to get a lot of laughs. I usually like things that make you think a little or reference previously discussed items. Maybe I'm too deep with it, or people just don't find that style funny.

In an effort to try different things, I've made some stupid puns recently just to see what reaction I get. I think the people that are use to me just ignore them or find them bland. I'm not sure about other people since I haven't been launching into a lot of conversations with random people.

I guess I should start considering the audience more when making jokes. Either that or just stop making jokes. It's hard to find the right line between just being yourself and fitting in or being who people want you to be.

Sometimes I feel like there is this whole code of social behavior that I just never learned growing up. I was always kinda the outsider, never really belonging to one group or another. I guess it could be more about the relationship you have with people and their relative comfort with you also. I imagine my jokes are almost like inside jokes that only I get or jokes that people aren't comfortable enough with me to know that I'm kidding and it's ok to laugh at.

I'll have to observe more and try to make better conclusions.

Strange Twist

2009-04-30T10:38:00.000-04:00

So after acting like I don't exist for a few weeks, my employer has thrown a strange twist at me. They want me to fly out to Idaho to do some training. But before I get into that, there is a reason this is so odd.

On Monday I went for a run so I could think about my future and what I want now that I know I'm not going to Austin. I ran through some scenarios in my head and there was only one that really felt like it resonated. I need to quit my job.

After a little more thought, I realized that it all lines up just right. I can quit on May 29th, which is the two year anniversary of when I started working here. That gives me a month to make arrangements and make sure I'm not jumping into a big pile of nothing or some fleeting hopes and dreams of magic success.

My idea is to switch to doing consulting work on a case by case basis. That way instead of having my employer be my only customer, I can start to diversify and build a bigger base of skills and contacts. If I build my income back up to the current level in that model, there is still a growing potential for more income sources and areas to test out. Also, there is more risk but more control since the more time and effort I put into it, the more I should get back out.

Following this line of thought, I'd have to give my two week notice on May 15. Interestingly enough, now they want me to fly out on May 19-21.

So I'm a little torn. At this point this is all still a work in progress. Most of the advice I've gotten since I came up with the idea has been to not jump into something unless I have a plan. I have two weeks to put something together, so I'm going to see what I can do. The Toastmasters conference is this weekend so I figure that and Craig's List will be my best bets for starting to build up a network of clients.

So, here goes nothing.

Plan B

2009-04-27T10:15:00.000-04:00

I've spent the last 3 months working on an application to a business school in Austin, Texas. As I've mentioned in the past, my goal is start my own business, and I've attempted this several times now. This school is built around accelerating students through the learning curve so that they have all the tools they need to do just that. Unfortunately, I was rejected.

So the question is, now what?

Before I answer that, what really bothers me about this is something that happened that made me apply to the school. I was reading their website after hearing about it from my brother and I got this feeling. It was more than a gut feeling, it felt like it came right from my bones. Like everything that makes me who I am was pulling me toward this school. It just felt so absolutely right. So to get that feeling, put all the work in to apply to the school and then get rejected is soul crushing.

So now what? Now I figure out what Plan B is and do that. The nice thing about this process is that it has helped me identify the areas in my life that must change and the strong areas that I don't want to change. So I have to start cutting out the bad and building on the good. Even though I won't be doing what I so desperately wanted to, at least I know what needs to be done. I think it's false to pretend like rejection is really something good, I mostly think people are just lying to themselves when they say that. I am going to try and get at least something from it to help soften the impact of the blow.

Cage

2009-04-23T15:30:00.000-04:00

I've built a cage around myself. From the outside it looks like a comfortable place, nice place to live, quiet workplace, weekly routine of things to do. Still a cage.

There is this idea that I and I'm sure many others subscribe to in our everyday lives. You commit to a routine, convincing yourself that you're progressing. Each day earns some more money and you're building to this day when you can finally be free. You can turn in your 9-5 for that peaceful, happy retirement that you've earned through sacrifice of all the best years of your life. There are just enough small victories along the way to keep a person appeased into continuing to live quietly.

I feel it's all an illusion. The society we've built up around ourselves along with the ideas that keep it going are really just a house of cards keeping the truth out. There are many people on the other side, shouting to us to come outside, but its so hard. Once you get into the routine, you've set a standard. How can you not work to keep it? Why would you want to lose now for the hope of an uncertain future regardless of the potential benefits?

Why? Because it's the truth. Outside of our cages is the lifestyle people were suppose to live. Maybe it doesn't include as much modern luxury but it does include what we desire at our core. Meaning.

We all desire to matter. To be something great. To make a difference.

I know for myself that I am not making that difference in my cage. I'm the hamster running on the wheel. I desire to do something that matters but that is not what is asked of me in the cage. Just keep spinning, don't disrupt the flow. That is what is asked of me.

But there is no reprieve. All that exists is wrestling with the fear that keeps you where you are until, hopefully, one day you break through. I just hope I have what it takes to make it to that point.

Perspective

2009-04-21T16:58:00.001-04:00

I think I'm starting to get a better understanding of how people see me. This is mainly because of the people who are doing to me what I must do to other people.

Let me take a second to explain. When people send me emails, I respond usually within the hour if not immediately. When people call me, even if they don't leave a message, I call them back, usually right when I see the missed call.

Recently I've met some people who respond constantly with no delay to any message they are sent. It's nice at first, but then after a while you start running out of stuff to say back. They're all about results, results, results. I don't have any results for some of the stuff I'm working on. It's because I'm afraid and don't put the effort into it that I should. I know this, I hate this, but it's extremely hard to force yourself to act on something, even when you don't have anything else to do.

So clearly I do this same thing to other people. They're doing what they want and moving at their own pace and enjoying it and I keep making demands of them to do more or do what I think they should. That must be really annoying.

Knowing this, I'm not sure what is a good solution. Most people seem to be able to generate stuff to do when they are bored. Maybe my lack of focus on detail is what saves me time but then kills me later because of the lack of recall. Also, my jumping from thing to thing leads to a large amount of projects left uncompleted or pending. I never seem to make the time to accomplish big things.

Ironically enough, the big things that I have accomplished and taken the time to do right are the ones I usually end up happy about. An example is my car. I took a long time searching around to determine all the criteria that mattered to me. Then I tried out a lot of cars and finally had put together all the info I needed to make a decision. To this day I'm extremely happy with and excited about my car.

I think the reason I have a problem at work is because of my location. Being in the middle of an open cubicle room, I feel like people can always see what I'm doing. This makes me think I have to always have the appearance that I'm working or busy, even when I'm not. Even when I am working, I feel like any distraction pulls my focus away even when wearing headphones. So I have a situation where I'm setting myself up for failure.

Having these thoughts is always a dual edged sword. It's like now you know what the problem is, but most of the time the solution seems out of my control. So you end up just stewing in the problem.

Insight

2009-04-21T10:41:00.002-04:00

I belong to Toastmasters and am working my way through the original manual to get the ten speeches finished in order to get my Competent Communicator award. Last night I gave my ninth speech. Normally, I'd post the speech here but I did a presentation with slides, so it wouldn't make a lot of sense without all the elements.

I learned something interesting in giving the speech. For each speech I've spent a lot of time crafting an informative and interesting mixture of content. I figured this approach would keep the audience's attention while giving them valuable advice they can start to apply. I've found that the reaction is never what I would expect.

Here is an example. Last night I started my speech by saying "You're fired!". The idea was to grab attention because people are worried because there is constant talk about how bad the economy is right now. I then talked about steps that people can take to remove that fear by diversifying their income sources.

At the end, the feedback I got was pretty standard. "Great speech". "Very informative". The one that stood out was that I could have said "You're fired" like Trump does in his Celebrity Apprentice show.

So what I've learned from this is that people really don't care about the content of your speech. You could give them the advice of jumping off a bridge or hiding their money under the mattress. It's all about entertainment. Relatable entertainment. Which means pop culture references, word play, unexpected shifts and anything for a laugh.

I'm not sure why this is. I have a feeling that when you present something that seems academic in nature, you're challenging people to think. After a long day at work most people are tired of thinking. They want to shut down and be entertained. This is why athletes, musicians and entertainers get paid so much money.

I have a feeling this is part of the reason my blog is not popular. I could post random photoshoped images and probably get orders of magnitude more hits than I do currently.

So the question is what to do with this knowledge. I write this blog mainly for myself to help organize my thoughts and capture knowledge gained, so I don't anticipate changing that any time soon. I also write these speeches because I have a message I want to get out. I will have to change my approach in that area though, because people don't care about your message if you don't wrap it right. Maybe I'll write the tenth speech the way I normally would, and then from there forward I'll just play to the crowd as much as possible.

I'm still left a little unsettled by this. I don't want to judge, people work hard and deserve to live their lives the way they want to. I seem to have a personal obsession with growth and progress, and it usually makes me unhappy because I'm always pushing to do more. So if others have found a way to be happy and that's what it takes, then I wish them the best. This life is short with fleeting rewards for hard effort. Finding any kind of happiness and holding onto it as long as possible is sometimes all we really have. I'm not ready to give up my quest and abandon my ways, but at least now I hope I can go forward with a clearer understanding.

Personality Theory

2009-04-20T17:04:00.002-04:00

I've posted some before about Personality Theory. I even went through my period of denial about being an ENFP and claiming that I'm an INFP. Recently I invested more time into learning about some additional complexities that I hadn't though of before, which is how I determined my real type. I'll share the additional layers and how they work.

The first layer of the theory are the 16 different types themselves. They revolve around the four main categories that govern how an individual operates, mainly the I/E, N/S, F/T and J/P distinction. Rather than discussing each type, you can take the test or read about the different possibilities here.

The second layer is the interaction between the types. The same site I just mentioned includes a handy chart for determining the interaction between the types and how they work here. I was able to determine my type by taking various relationships I have and figuring out which relationships between myself and the other individuals fit correctly in the chart. Once I had solidified my type, I made a key insight.

Usually when you try to determine someone else's personality, you think of specific examples or general behavioral trends the person follows and map it to the right type. The problem with this is that there is a large bias based on the side of the person that you see. So you may be really introverted and then think someone else is just because you only see and interact with them in environments that accent those qualities in the targeted individual. Either that or your like/dislike of that person could influence you to project qualities onto them. So the only way to remove the bias is to look at the patterns of your relationship. Then you can map the actual pattern of your relationship back to the chart to determine what type they must be.

The third layer is the type of relationship you have with the person. The interaction may be a negative one, but if the person holds the right role in your life relative to you, then it could be just right for what you would want. An example would be a Mother having a supervision relationship with a child or a significant other being your duality type. I believe that when we line up the right interaction in the right role is where the idea of 'soul mate' relationships comes from. It's not that there is some uniqueness to the person that you were destined for each other, it's that you matched up all the components just right.

Clearly it is no simple task to engineer your whole social sphere. The nice thing about this knowledge is that you can spot problems early or open yourself up to possibilities that you would not have recognized otherwise. Maybe you know someone who is your duality type, but because you didn't hit off a great relationship right away you never invested the time to develop it further. You could be missing out on something truly exceptional, but with this knowledge you'll know it's worth putting in the extra effort for the potential of a rewarding long term relationship.

This is as deep as I have taken this at this point. There are a lot of other variables like background, interests, education, intelligence, environment, etc which play a role in the development of relationships. Those effects, like the effects of personality interactions, play a lesser role to the individuals desire to make a relationship work. Having the information provides a tool though for collecting information and using it to make more accurate decisions.

Quick Thought

2009-03-19T10:47:00.003-04:00

Never quit a job because you're having too much fun and it doesn't feel like a 'real' job.

I've learned the hard way my whole life so far that life sucks if you try to play by everyone else's rules. The best moments in life are the ones where you are the person walking around with the gorilla suit on.

Even though you'd think this is obvious, it is incredibly hard to keep in this state. I'm working to reboot my life soon, and once I do, I'm setting my default mode to 'if I'm not enjoying it while I'm doing it, it shouldn't be done'.

Qualified

2009-01-25T21:22:00.000-05:00

I had written a post a while back about what it takes to be able to charge someone for services. In other words, how much knowledge and experience does it take to justify billing someone. The answer is surprising.

If you are like me, you grew up going to a school till you graduate and then moving up to the next school. You may have stopped at high school, college, post graduate studies, or maybe you are still going. The idea though, is that by completing all the school programs you are gaining a specific knowledge that makes you qualified to be payed. After growing up with this, you are conditioned to the idea, thinking that is the only way things work. The reality is different.

We see alternatives all the time. The guy selling flowers on the side of the road doesn't have a degree or certification in biology or horticulture. He just has flowers. You have a need for flowers, so it is worth it to you to exchange for them. All he had to do was get the flowers and position himself in a place where the price he is set is less than the value of the flowers to the people passing by.

So there you have the answer to qualifications. What qualifies you is your ability to secure a resource, set a price, and get a level of exposure. Nothing else is required.

This can be misleading though, because it brushes over the hardest part. That is, actually doing it.

The main reason the average person has one job as their sole source of income is because it is easy. You gained the qualifications, you got through the interview, now your reward is to just show up everyday and then receive a paycheck for your efforts. You have earned the right to put in your eight hours and then go home and watch TV, with two days out of the week left free for you.

So now the question is no longer are you qualified but rather, are you willing to do the work.

Formula for Success

2008-12-16T11:16:00.000-05:00

It turns out that there is a very simple formula for success. It takes some understanding of a few basic theories, but once you accept then as truth and start applying them, it's just a matter of time and effort. I'll give you a brief overview.

First, you have to understand that everything in life is built on a few basic principles. As a society of human beings, we are all 99% the same with 1% difference, usually mainly projected in our physical appearance. We all need food, shelter, love and attention. We all have problems, experience a range of emotions, and have the ultimate goal of being a success at our specific interest. We are all members of different groups where we have roles and value placed on the opinions of the other members based on their roles.

Knowing this, the interplay between us is dictated by economic theory. We are managing different resources that we control, exchanging them with others for ones that they possess that we desire. The value we put on what we have versus what others have is determined by our own happiness as well as the value we place on the opinions and needs of our core group.

With these basic rules established, how do we become a success?

The initial step is to produce value. You can do this on your own on a small scale. If you leverage technology, nature or even other people, you can create consistent value on a larger scale. Once you start consistently producing value, then you just need to find individuals or groups that require what you are producing and are willing to exchange more value in return for it than it took you to produce it.

That is the formula for success in its most basic, elementary form. Specifics are not included, but once you can successfully execute every step in the process from production to delivery, then you cannot fail. It becomes a matter of improving the process to require less to produce more as well as either finding better target groups that have a greater need for the value you produced or increasing the value you are providing so you can get more value in return in the exchange.

It really is that simple.

Social Dynamics

2008-12-16T10:45:00.000-05:00

I had this idea that after everyone graduated from middle and high school, and even perhaps college, that there would be this shift away from clique and pack dynamics. I thought that when you "become an adult", there is this transition process where each person can act as a fully functioning unit. I was wrong.

It turns out that this almost instinctive, even animal-like desire to be part of a group, and the pecking order that goes along with it, does not leave us as we get older. All that changes is how it is expressed, mainly in the shift to the work place or in your family life.

Each group has a leader, the alpha male (or female depending on the situation) that decides the direction the pack takes. Below are different classes, usually specialists in different tasks that are needed to supply the pack with various resources required for survival. Finally at the bottom are the sick and/or weak members that are supported by the strength of the rest of the group.

Now that I understand this, my goal has been to become the alpha male in every group that I am in. What's interesting about this is that it is entirely possible, and everyone can do it by adopting certain habits. For example, your posture when with others is critical. Do you slump your shoulders? Do you pull arms and legs tight around you? These things project a lack of openness as well as weakness. Standing tall with legs shoulder width apart and arms by your side is more open and inviting while still being strong and assertive. In situations that require leadership, like planning or preparation, do you hesitate and wait for direction or permission from others, or do you jump in and start running the show? If you want to be a leader, you can not wait for permission to become one, because if you're waiting for permission then you aren't the leader.

I do offer this warning though. If you are not a leader and do not know what you are doing, then stop. Take the time to learn first, then once you have reached a level of comfort in various fields, then start directing others. Do not take control of situations that you are not ready for or your weakness will eventually come out and you will lose your status, or worse. Being an alpha means that there is always others beneath you trying to rise up that you have to guard yourself from. It's not an easy path to be on top, but it reaps the best rewards.

If you want to learn more about this, let me know and I'll expand on it.

Thoughts

2008-12-09T23:58:00.001-05:00

So, I'm in trouble. Bad trouble. But I think it's the same kind of trouble as everyone else.

I'm addicted to challenge. I'm addicted to being told no, or you can't.

I constantly desire to do things I haven't done before. To reach new levels of success. To master new concepts and ideas.

But the walls are all coming down. Nothing is truly like I had imagined it was. All the barriers were internal. Everything stopping me was made up. With enough desire, time, and effort, I can accomplish anything I want.

But as soon as I reach the goal, I don't find happiness. I just find the void again. The same desire to find a new goal to reach.

Is there any satisfaction? Does anything last? Does anything actually contain real value?

I think I'm starting to understand where the theology comes in.

When you succeed and you make success part of the fabric of your being, everything starts to become easy, and you develop this understanding of the formula for getting anything you want. But then without the challenge, everything loses its value because it becomes expendable. Then nothing really matters anymore because it is so accessible. So, you need something unattainable in order to still have value in your life.

So then by acknowledging God, a perfect being, and creating a separation between you and God, only in that you cannot be a perfect being, value can be attributed to anything in the pursuit of perfection. Which gives back reason to work for success and be the best you that you can be.

Long Journey

2008-11-28T00:58:00.002-05:00

So, after a long year, I think I'm finally back to about where I was a year ago. What I mean really, is that I'm ready to start my own business again. But I'm going to do it a little differently this time.

Last time, my idea was to do the Rich Dad approach, which basically says that it doesn't matter what business you start, just go do it. The only problem though, is if you start a business and you don't care about it, then you're not going to get very far. So that line of thinking had me deliberating for about a year about what kind of business I actually want to start. What is something that I actually care about and want to do.

I finally figured it out. I'm going to start a business doing business consulting. What this essentially means is that I'm going to find small businesses that are already operational and go in and help them to become more profitable or grow. I'm building my own model for how to do this based off of a mixture of the plethora of sources I've read that suggest different ideas. I'm going to add in my knowledge of the new technology that is available and help these small shops in this dark economic time.

Finally I feel like I have all the tools I need, the initiative and the plan as well as the confidence. There are a lot of other little tricks and details that I'm not going to elaborate on because they are my clever innovations that I don't want people to take and run with. The point though is that finally I have a solid goal again, something I can break into steps and start working towards.

It's been way too long :)

Context Change

2008-11-14T06:02:00.001-05:00

So I'm out in Idaho for work this week training various groups of providers on how to use our software. Just being out in the West is completely different from the normal East Coast atmosphere. The wide open spaces and clean mountain air really gives you a different feel about life. You actually see the land in the phrase "Land of opportunity" and there is this sense that you could just grab 50 acres and do whatever you inclined to, just make it happen.

On top of that, I've been traveling with this remarkable man. I don't even know where to begin in describing his life story. He started working for his dad at age 8, washing the trucks for his dad's crews and restocking them every morning at 4:30 before school. He had more money and was at a more mature stage in his life at the age of 14 than I'm probably at even now at 24. From there he went on to being a professional skier, then when couldn't compete anymore he taught ski lessons on one the most challenging resorts in the country. From there he did IT consulting for various banks, then when he wanted to retire a company that had contracted to his forced him to come work with them since they had invested so much into him. He revolutionized the way they built fire engines, allowing the customer to pick and choose the options on the cabs by selecting different radio buttons in a list and showing them in real time a CAD drawing of what their engine would look like. After enough time there, he ended up doing some work for the state of Wyoming counciling mental health and substance abuse youth. He came up with some ideas for how they could run their system better, but they told him he didn't have the credentials to tell them what to do. So from there he headed off to Oxford to get a couple of masters degrees and some PhDs. After teaching there for some time after graduation, he went back to the state and started implementing some of his programs.

That's really only the tip of the iceberg. Each story is more phenomenal than the previous one, and the guy is just a constant inspiration for the "Yes I can" spirit. I feel like he's changed my life, and honestly I want to emulate him as much as I can. There is only one problem. I know already that what is most likely to happen is that after working with him, he'll move on to the next thing and I'll move back to my normal surroundings and that inspiration will seep out, leaving me right back where I was.

It's almost like a natural animal instinct. I play a certain role in my family and at my job, and everyone else has their roles. I'll come back wanting to change my role, to shift everything and have it different. They won't like that so they'll resist and since there is more of them trying to put me back in place and my inspiration for leaving places will be gone, it'll just be a constant effort to try and make change until one side wins, most likely the other side.

So the question is, what do I do? I know what's going to happen in advance. I still want the change. What is it going to take for it to actually happen, for the elements and relational dynamics of my life to actually change?

Recently, there has been some change in my life that has led me to where I am. But it's been slow and it's been hard and I've even had to change my appearance by growing a goatti just to have a physical and real reminder everyday that I'm not some kid anymore and that I should have some power and respect in my community. What does it take to break through the dynamic keeping me in place?

I'm hoping that writing this will at least help. That way when I look back at it later I can think about what I'm feeling now and at least try to remember that rather than having it disappear completely. Maybe while I'm out here I can start taking some steps. A friend called me about the possibility of doing some contracting work, so that's one avenue I can get in motion. I can finally put together the website I've been thinking about doing. Also, a friend at work keeps trying to motivate me, so maybe with his support there is a greater chance that I'll be able to change dynamics.

The sad thing is that it's really my family and some of my friends that are holding me in place. They have very small world views and have adopted the mindset that they have to be employees and that they have to just move up the ladder at someone else's pace because there is some invisible barrier in their minds between where they are and where they would want to be and they are unable to break through it. I've actually known this for about two years now, ever since I did the Rich Dad Training. I also knew that if I wanted to change I had to change who I surround myself with, but I've been very hesitant to do it because I don't want to give them up. But what are you giving up really when you let go of people who want to hold you back and keep you in place? It's sad because they are trying to help, but they are trying to help from their context.

I know eventually everything has to change. I think when I moved back home from college, it was such a dramatic setback that it's taken me years to recover from. The momentum has been building up though, and there has been an increasing change, so maybe this time it will be enough to break free. And if it is not, at least I have this record to look back on and reawaken these ideas in the future. I may lose the battle, but the hope I have is that I can still win the war.

Question

2008-11-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

So I have this philosophical questions about how the world works. When you find something that you are good at, and you start doing it, is that when you actually start getting what you want?

I'm a good writer, speaker, trainer and manager. Now I'm finally actually starting to do these things in a professional capacity. Does that mean that my company should actually start paying me a higher amount since I'm producing more value?

I figure, I can wait it out for a while, see what happens. In the mean time I'm going to follow my sister's advice in continuing to build my network inside and outside the company. I guess I'll see what opportunities comes from that.

Eventually I think I'm going to start trying to find ways to give public speeches for a fees and such, and then try to continue to grow the audience. I'm not quite to the level where I'm comfortable with thinking that I should charge people to hear me talk, but with more practice I feel like I'll get there.

Perfect

2008-10-27T21:20:00.000-04:00

So I'm hitting rock bottom in desperation. I'm trying to meet girls on these damn online services. I found one girl I actually liked and sent her a message. She does swing dancing on Monday nights, so I was going to try and meet up with her tonight.

I drove all the way up to Baltimore to this Can Company center where the swing dancing is suppose to be. Once there, I forgot where it was suppose to be, so I asked at the Outback. They laughed at me and told me they don't do swing dancing there and maybe it was the "kiss cafe" next door that just recently closed. (It was actually a little worse than that as they told me I could dance in the corner and entertain their diners, thanks a lot jerks) So, with my tail between my legs, I headed back home.

Once I got home, I realized it was actually at the Austin Grill, which I walked past twice, completely oblivious. So now I'm a little bummed.

Maybe I'm just too willing to accept these things not working out, like I expect for it not to. It was hard going into Baltimore because it triggered some repressed memories of my ex and the different fun activities that we use to do (the actual good times of the relationship). Honestly, I don't miss her at all, I just miss being in a relationship and that feeling like you have someone to love and someone who loves you.

I think I'm too obsessed with the perfect, hoping that I'll meet some ideal women that doesn't really exist. I just feel like I've put so much effort into becoming the type of person who deserves someone great that I don't understand why I can't find someone great. I get this feeling like everyone else is surrounded by people their age and have all these friends to go places with and do things and I'm missing out or some kind of outcast because I always seem stuck by myself. It's so much harder alone as well because you feel like an outcast, like you weren't even good enough for someone to want to hang out with you, so why would anyone new want to talk to you?

I just don't know what I don't know, and unfortunately that seems to be what I'm doing wrong or not doing. I need help but I don't even know where to start or who to go to. People have recommended dating sites and stuff like speed dating and I'm trying it, but I get little to no results.

Philosophizing

2008-10-26T10:03:00.000-04:00

So everything is going very well. My job is picking up and changing into new areas that I'm more interested in pursuing. There always seems to be some social event to go to and I feel comfortable with just calling people up and seeing what they are up to (before I always thought I would be interrupting something or bothering them). My extracurricular activities are teaching me new skills and opening up some new opportunities (running, speaking, coaching).

The only thing is that I feel like I'm missing a guiding direction. Like some true passion or calling that should keep me directed in the right direction, doing the right things to accomplish some great big goal for what I want out of life. I'm still not sure what that is or what kind of thing it even should be. It's like I'm playing an open world videogame, and I've been doing all the side quests, but now I want to keep going with the main quest but I don't know what it is.

My only current theory goes along with what I was saying to the kids on my team at our first basketball practice last night. We started with the basics, just shooting, passing, defense. And once you have a good feel for the basics, then you start building on them, give-and-go, back door, trapping, different elements that are more complex, but have greater results. That's my only theory right now as to what to aim for next. Now that I have all the basics, now it's time to build on them. You've got to keep the basics fresh and strong, otherwise the new layers will collapse the whole thing, but that is the best idea for the next direction that I've had as of yet.

What I've been mainly trying to add is a dip into the dating scene. I'm trying to get more comfortable with just meeting new people and talking to them. Forget trying to put together dates, forget deciding if this person is marriage material, I just want to meet someone new and talk to them. I did that on Friday night and it was a good time. I didn't feel like there was anyone new that I should really start trying to see again, but I had fun just chatting with new people. Previously I had a lot of inhibition about doing this because everyone else drank and I didn't and I'd go out by myself and feel like a lonely loser. But I've recently discovered the miracle that is beer and it's made everything a lot more fun with a lot less stress.

Next week I'm flying out to Maine and then I'm flying out to IL for Halloween with my brother. He's a social guy and can have a good time without me feeling like I have to babysit him like some of the people I've been hanging out with. Really, he completes this element I'm missing, which is just having someone else who knows how to have fun to go out and do stuff with. It's funny because he's always kinda been the Ying to my Yang in a sense, so I should have really thought about this before, but he's been out in IL so that's been the limiting factor. It should be a great time so I'm really looking forward to it.

Tired

2008-10-24T10:13:00.001-04:00

Today is going to be tough. I haven't gotten ample amounts of sleep the last couple of days so I'm dragging. But that's not that important.

I'm packing in a lot of activities right now. I do Toastmasters every 1st and 3rd Monday of the month, plus the time outside to organize and write speeches. I see a chiropractor on Tuesday every two weeks, plus hit the gym to do upper body work. Wednesday is trivia night plus I try to do a 2 mile run. Thursday is usually the only free night I have, but I've been trying to do this Yoga class and I do lower body weight lifting. Fridays I usually have a shift at GameStop. So the week is pretty full, plus I now have the basketball season starting up.

So yesterday I was looking into different running groups in the area. I'm trying to find something I can join so that I know what races are coming up and I don't have to run by myself all the time. I figure, I already have a bunch of activities I like to do, why not find groups of people that enjoy them as well? There seems to be a couple of groups in the area but they have a 90/10 ratio of guys to girls. I told myself before that I wasn't going to join anymore sausage fest groups. I need a new way to find people my age, particularly females, and sadly all the stuff I have been doing doesn't seem to promote that (Toastmasters, coaching basketball, working at GameStop).

A coworker and I were brainstorming about how I could just start a running group that targets people my age. It sounds like a great idea, and in all honesty I'm a big fan. The problem is that it'll take a lot of time to setup, and frankly I don't want to take on more stuff that may or may not work. If there isn't already a demand, I don't want to spend all my time trying to create one. I did that for the last two years or so and it sucks. I want to do activities that other people actually want to do. It's really depressing to have to spend all your time badgering people and trying to get them to do something and the constant rejection makes you start to feel like you are somehow a lesser person.

Which brings me to another topic. I've found a good group of friends recently. They make me realize how crappy some of my previous friends were. If people don't want to spend time with you or never seem to have time for you, then frankly, they aren't your friends. They may say they are, they may even think they are, but they aren't. Friends are the people you call when you want to do something or you need to talk to someone and they find the time for you. If they don't want to do that, then it's time to find people who will. Also, I'm getting tired of all the cynicism and pessimists. I'm naturally an optimistic person, but other people get to me and their negative attitudes ruin things for me. So I'm just not going to deal with people like that anymore. I'm making the choice to be happy, and if they aren't, then they can be unhappy alone.

A friend of mine recommended I do some speed dating. I hadn't thought about that recently. I tried it a while back with poor results and swore off it, but I might try the actual speed dating thing since what I tried was a little different. I'll have to go into DC to do it this time, since all the people in this area seem to be older.

Another thing that's popped up recently is that I found this girl on one of the free dating sites. For some reason I felt like an intuitive connection to this girl, like I should actually put some effort out to meet her and contact her. She's into swing dancing, so I sent her a message about it. She sent me some info about it, so I'll have to try to go and maybe even meet up with her at an event. Sounds like it could be a lot of fun.

Too Human and Dead Space Review

2008-10-21T16:29:00.000-04:00

As of late I haven't had too much time to play the games I've borrowed, so unfortunately these are incomplete reviews.

Too Human is an interesting game built on a good system of game play but it has some clear and crippling flaws. Right off the bat, the plot was entertaining, but there didn't seem to be enough background to know what the main issues are. You are some kind of god character and you are fighting a bunch of robots maybe? I didn't get far enough in to learn more and the new plot elements of the fates was just annoying rather than more interesting.

There are a lot of options for RPG like development for your character. You upgrade weapons, armor and different skills in a tree similar to Diablo. You also choose a character class much like Diablo or Mass Effect. The combat was pretty straight forward as your character would jump from bad guy to bad guy, slaughtering whatever current one you are facing.

The biggest issue I ran into was that some bad guys actually seemed to require a strategy, which was hard to do after being so use to just random button pressing. When you die, you will regenerate at the beginning of the section you were just at after a long unskippable cut scene. This seems completely pointless since you lose your experience but all the bad guys stay dead and you just end up running right back to where you were.

I ended up playing the game for about an hour, got sick of it and had no motivation to play it anymore before I had to return it.

Dead space is awesome. I only played it for about an hour and barely got into the meat of the game, but I can tell you that it is fantastic. The environment the game creates for you will creep you out. After the opening I was sitting, muscles clenched, freaked out at every turn. There is just this overwhelming sense of inability to know what is coming next.

If you are into being scared and that thrill of adventure and danger, then you won't be able to put this game down.

Choice - Toastmasters Speech #6

2008-10-21T16:18:00.000-04:00

A brilliant American writer, David Foster Wallace once said, "It is unimaginably hard to do this, to stay conscious and alive, day in and day out." He was recently found dead by a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head.

Madam Toastmaster, fellow toastmasters and guests.

I've read a lot of books. Books on business, books on philosophy, and even self help books. There are all kinds of ideas out there about how to live your life, what is important in life and what is the meaning of life. A lot of them are different but there does seem to be a common thread to it all.

Everyday you have a choice.
You have a choice as to the life you live.

I use to roll my eyes when I heard people say this. I'd think, "Yes, of course. I can choose to be happy. Everything is just that simple." Then I'd move on, planning out my day and what I had left to get through, drifting through it till the end. It never really registered in my reality as something more than just words. All those nuggets of wisdom are like that, just clever sayings until you have an experience that clarifies it all for you, makes it sink in, makes it click, makes it real.

That happened for me with this just recently. I decided to pick up a part time job working at GameStop in the mall. This is an odd choice, and a lot of people gave me puzzled looks when I told them I was thinking about it. The first reaction always seemed to be, why?

Before I get to that, let me tell you about this job. You spend hours alphabetizing shelves of games, just to turn around and see some kids start mixing it up right after you finish. Sometimes people come in and scream at you or at their kids right in front of you and everyone else in the store because they are having a bad day. And if you've ever worked a job where you stand on your feet for hours straight, then you know how painful it can be.

So now you’re probably thinking why as well. The answer to why and the beauty of the job is in the choice. I work there because I want to. I enjoy every shift because I want to be there. It is my choice. And I choose to work there because the environment is great, the coworkers are friendly and I love to talk to and help people.

How many times in your day are you given an opportunity to help someone?
To put a smile on their face?
To make them feel special?
At GameStop there is always a new customer coming in who you can help. A new chance to have an impact on someone else, even if it’s just that one pleasant encounter.

The other key element for me is the people. There are a lot of jobs out there that are hard labor. Sitting in a cubicle or an office all day working on a computer is not one of those jobs. It comes with its own price, but it is easy to lose sight of how nice it is when you always focus on how much better it could be. I've found that the people who do some of the hardest jobs are some of the best people I've ever met.
I have my theories about why this is. Maybe it takes a selfless person to do a thankless job. Maybe there is a Zen quality to the hard, repetitive manual labor. Maybe they're just nuts!

But the people you surround yourself with are a key part of that choice, because they are making the choice too. If you surround yourself with people who choose to find happiness even in the toughest times, then they are a beacon of inspiration to you and everyone else around them.
There are a lot of things in life that we wish we could control. Many of us have been through hard times that we had no say in – things like a divorce, a freak accident, or a loss of a loved one. These are just a few of the examples of the challenges that weigh on our spirits, that make it hard to make positive choices. They make the world look ugly and gray and feel cold and lonely. These are the hardest times to make a positive choice. Hardest, but also the most important.
In the end, remember this. Even though it is unimaginably hard to stay conscious and alive, day in and day out, you have the power to make that choice. That choice determines everything else.

Make the right one.

Madam Toastmaster.

Confused

2008-10-15T14:05:00.001-04:00

This is very strange. Everything is going well for me. My relationships with family members and friends is as good as it has ever been. I'm doing a good job at work, making friends, accomplishing tasks. I've even taken some risks and done some new things as of late.

But now I'm wondering, what next? I feel like there is so much I don't know but I have very little way of assessing where I am. It's not even about comparing myself to someone else, or wanting something I don't have. It's more about, am I really reaching my potential? Could I do more? Should I be looking to do more?

Maybe it's a lack of a goal that resonates with me that is the problem. I'm doing a lot of things and making steady progress, but the question is, to what end?

A good example is working out. I'm probably in the best shape I've ever been in currently. But now what? Do I just keep doing what I'm doing, maintaining what I have and maybe continuing to push it up a notch here and there? Or do I try to set some goals with deadlines? Maybe it's more about what speed to operate in.

Maybe that was always the problem before. I was unhappy with where I was, so I wanted everything else to change quicker than it should or maybe than it can. Or I expected more and more from everything, rather than just taking the time to let things develop. Now that I am happy where I am, I should probably "relax and enjoy it". Why rush a change when things are going so well?

Illusion

2008-10-14T09:53:00.003-04:00

It always amazes me how learning small things can completely change your perspective. Maybe just reading about body language and starting to see the little clues that people give off without realizing so you can tell their feelings. Or seeing how computer graphics are made to look real or 3D from simple 2D designs. The biggest one has been seeing how sales really works.

Basically, it's all smoke and mirrors. The average customer probably has no real need for your product or service. If they never met you, they would keep going on with their daily life completely ignorant that they don't have your product. So the idea of sales is to manufacture that need. True or false, however you want to do it, you build a scenario in their mind that involves them and what you are selling that is better than their current scenario. Basically, your ability at transferring your vision to them determines how much you can sell your product for. You're matching the proposed value of your product against their proposed value of the money they have.

This was well summed up in a line from Pirates of Silicon Valley when the character playing Bill Gates says, "You have to make people need you". That's what it all comes down to. Your goal is to get the person to be shocked they were able to take that last breath without your product. It's an amazingly simple concept, but at the same time so powerful and effective.

Sales truly is in every element of life. Everywhere you go, everything you see is designed to sell you an idea or concept, to make you believe what someone else wants you to believe. If you haven't developed an eye for it, then you are at a severe disadvantage.

Previously I posted about determining when you are an expert. When is the point where you can charge someone for goods or services. I've realized now that if you are asking that question, you are never going to get to that point. It's not about asking people for money. If you give them control, if you let them determine what is valuable enough to pay for, then you will never get paid. It is about knowing, better than the person you are selling to even, that you are giving them something worth more than what they are giving you in return. Once you have developed the confidence that that is true, then you are unstoppable because all you have to do is paint the picture for them to see what you already know.

Comfort

2008-10-14T09:42:00.000-04:00

So, as I mentioned previously, yesterday was the first time I realized how much money I've actually lost in the stock market. I even met with a Financial Adviser yesterday thinking that maybe moving to an asset allocation approach would be a better solution going forward. After meeting with them, I've decided it is not. I was still pretty distraught at that point, and that's when it happened.

Sometimes I start thinking, I'm a good person, I help other people, I try to do my best, why do I never seem to get what I want? It's a dangerous path to start walking down. As of late though, I've had my eyes open enough to see the little good things that pop up and prove that these things are happening for a reason, and in the long run it will end up better for me than I see in the short term.

What happened yesterday was a random conversation I had. I walked out of the financial adviser's office with my head down. Tired, stressed and still recovering from the shock of realizing my loss, I looked like the world had beaten me up. Then the security guard for the area shouted out to me. He basically acknowledged how I looked and I agreed with him, it had been a long day. So we got to talking and he told me about the weekend he had had (he hit some bars with his nephew and from the sounds of it had a good time). He even told me a few jokes that he had learned over the years going to different bars and now remembered them because he retold them here and there.

It was a great time. His jokes were funny, he was a very friendly guy and he really brightened my day. Sometimes the pick-me-ups come from the most unexpected places.

Distraught

2008-10-13T10:45:00.003-04:00

I'm meeting with a financial adviser today. I want to setup an asset allocation rather than just this random conglomeration of mutual funds.

Part of the prep work is to write out your financial portfolio. So today is the first time I've realized how much it has gone down in the past month. I think total I'm down about $35,000. If you take out taxes, medicare, and social security, that's probably about as much money as I'd make in an entire year.

So at this point I have to leave all that money in the market and wait for it to come back. That means my assets are essentially frozen for probably 5 years.

It makes you wonder about if I had put the money all into a savings account and waited to put it into the market till right now.

Viva Pinata

2008-10-10T11:26:00.001-04:00

This week I'm borrowing Viva Pinata for the Xbox 360.

There is a very Zen beauty to this game. Not only is the attitude of the game colorful and fun, but the simple, repetitive actions are very soothing. If you don't know much about the game, it reminds me of Harvest Moon since you are essentially creating a garden and "raising" animals.

There are numerous elements to the game. First is just general land management, breaking up dry soil, planting grass, growing trees, creating a pond, putting up fence. There are plenty of options for creating a certain look and feel to your garden area that will make it aesthetically pleasing to your tastes. Some of the pinatas are attracted to certain elements, so by creating a mix of all the options available you will slowly pull together a large ecosystem of creatures.

The second element are the pinatas themselves. They are essentially animals, just in pinata form which makes the food chain more child friendly. They visit and then will reside in your garden if you meet certain requirements. Then you can find ways to "get them in the mood" and they will breed and an egg will be delivered that will hatch a new pinata of that type. There are some mini games associated with this, one that is like operation in that you have to guide one pinata to the other without hitting any of the bad guys that line the perimeter.

Third are the towns people. They offer advice and services that will benefit you as you create your garden. One runs a general shop, one will build homes for your pinatas, one will find pinatas in the wild for you, another hosts an Inn where you can hire laborers. There are more that provide a variety of other services as you continue to progress.

The game is more addictive than you'd think and I found myself saying, "I'll just do this one more thing before I stop playing..." over and over again. It appeals to the perfectionist inside of us who always sees more potential and another thing to do, giving us a garden filled with opportunity to craft and create to our own liking.

If you're looking for something playful and fun to kill some time, this is the game for you.

Inside Out

2008-10-10T11:11:00.001-04:00

I've done a lot of thinking recently about what exactly I want to accomplish and the best ways to go about it. But one of the key findings I've had is that you really do have to start with yourself. Only be growing strong yourself will you have the strength needed to reach out and help other people. If you build yourself up and put yourself in a position to succeed, then you become a beacon for others.

The hardest part of helping yourself is that since you see things through your eyes all the time and you are always present in what you are working on, you lose the ability to see change over a long period of time. For example, when you start working out and getting in shape, you see the gradual improvements and your mind starts to adjust to them, expecting them instead of remembering the contrast. So you don't store up that feeling of accomplishment unless you have a snapshot from farther back to compare to.

The nice thing about this is that it provides a great opportunity for other people to help. Since they pop in and out of your life at different intervals, they will be able to point out the bigger changes that you can't pick up on. They can feed you encouragement by giving you a greater range of time to contrast from.

The question I'm left with in all of this is, how do you get an even bigger perspective? How can you tell that the path you are going on it getting you to the right place, or that the place you are trying to get to is actually the right place? I have these 'epiphany' moments at times where I get this understanding and clarity about something I'm doing and then I can't remember why I thought the way I did before.

I imagine that those moments are the real value of experience. You can have all the raw talent and detailed knowledge of some subject, but until you temper them with experience you will never have that clarity of understanding.

Debate

2008-10-08T10:26:00.001-04:00

Watching the debate last night was a really interesting experience. First off I'm going to say that honestly, I don't know which candidate is really going to do a better job. Each campaign is well designed to exploit the weaknesses of the other and create a web of rhetoric that prevents them from actually nailing down the actions they are going to take to fix the problems we are facing.

I did like how McCain's approach to the economy is to stop the housing market's free fall, since I think that creating a stable base to build on would actually make a difference. Renegotiating your mortgage at the real value of the house would take back that easy money people thought they were getting without robbing them of everything like losing their house would. It sounds like a good middle ground. I'm not sure what Obama's plan is, all I can remember is this idea of taking money from Wall Street and giving it back to Main Street. But that doesn't make any sense since most people on Main Street have their money in 401ks, which is governed by Wall Street. I imagine he's just trying to say that he's going to take the money from the rich and give it to the poor, but that sounds pretty stupid because the poor people lost the money in the first place trying to be like the rich people, so doesn't that just create an endless cycle of having to keep robbing the rich to give back to the poor so they can keep giving to the rich? I'm less concerned about pinning down the blaim for why we are in this position and more concerned about what is actually going to be down to fix the problem and prevent it from happening again in the future.

I thought another big point that should have been emphasized is how can the government, and specifically the president, help push for more innovation towards energy independence. I don't care about off site drilling, I care about alternative energy, specifically stuff that works like nuclear and wind power. Are they going to cut the subsides for turning corn into ethanol and instead shift money into places like the National Science Foundation or consumer credit for people who install green technology in their homes (where appropriate)? Neither candidate talked about this. There was a lot of vague generalities about nuclear power and drilling, but no factual details about what real steps can, should and will be taken. I wish the debate would at least show more of the candidates thought process on these issues even if they don't actually commit themselves to one action or another.

The final large point of emphasis was foreign relations. Again I had to agree more with McCain since he really seemed to be confident and know what he was doing. Foreign relations is like the ultimate chess game, you have to be strong and fortified, not over extending too early and leaving yourself weak, but also always holding a card up your sleeve in case things go the wrong way. McCain seemed to understand that you can't always just sit down and talk everything out, because if the person you're trying to talk to isn't meeting you at the same level then nothing good will come from it. When you're the alpha male, you have to keep a certain image, and if you lose that image then you open up ideas that you have weakness and can be overthrown. I think it was a misstep for Obama to say too much about his plans for Osama Bin Laden, esp since it made him seem like he's acting emotionally rather than rationally. If you're going to lead you need to be able to pull back enough from the raw emotion so you can focus on the bigger perspective.

Girls

2008-10-07T20:54:00.000-04:00

So I finally figured it out. The ups and downs, where it all comes from. It's all just about whether or not the girl I like that given week responds favorably to me or not. That's it.

It's that simple. If the girl blows me off, then I'm pissed. If the girl is nice, then I'm happy.

Now I'm going to go eat some comfort food because I'm pissed off.

Inspired

2008-10-06T16:18:00.000-04:00

http://reno.wsj.com/article/SB122178211966454607.html

My goal is to be able to write like this.

Quick Note About Sales

2008-10-04T09:48:00.001-04:00

Here's the thing. You can read all about sales. There are specific, very well documented techniques, that can almost guarantee you a high success rate. A quick search will find them or you can go to a used car dealership and they'll give you a whole walk through as long as you're savvy enough to pick up on it.

The thing though, is your success rate will be zero until you try it. The techniques require a certain amount of practice because our inherent nature is to back down. Well, that is unless you were the bully in the school yard. :) But once you do start to practice, to get through that first no, to start having those flashes of how to counter arguments and read people's body language, then it all starts to fall in place.

Sales is a universally needed skill. Once you get it, you see it in every interaction. Every communication is one party selling the other party on a piece of information or an idea. The question in the end is how good are you at getting yours through.

Sinking

2008-10-04T00:55:00.000-04:00

You want to know how depression works? Well, I can give you the insider's picture.

It's start very slowly. It creeps up on you unexpectedly, very sneaky in order to get in under your radar. The first step is that you don't wake up feeling rested. You're always in a slight daze, almost like a fog. If you try to sleep longer, it only gets worse. It's like being dehydrated but the more water you drink, the more the thirst grows.

But then it starts to get worse. The world starts to dim. Colors start to gray. The things that use to bounce off you now start to stick and linger. Each one clings on longer than it should, adding extra weight. It starts to get harder to see things that make you happy, like they are hidden, always slightly out of view. Then the anger starts.

Why anger? Because you're drowning. You're sinking slowly below the surface and every part of you is reaching up, begging for help. But no one seems to notice. You start to feel alone, insignificant, almost non-existent. It's like you're living in the world, but a step outside, watching everyone else. They move so effortlessly, so easily, completely unaware of what you see and of you. You're dying for them to notice you, to want to help you, but they don't, almost like they can't.

So you get angry. You hate them for being different than you. For being happy. And then is all gets so much worse. Now you start looking for reasons to sever your connections. You doubt they even existed in the first place. All that's left is fear and mistrust. You pull back within even more, shouldering all the weight. The water is too high now and you start to resign to your fate. But it doesn't end. That loss of air, that moment of pain doesn't go away to any release into the next life. Instead you sit there on the edge.

You keep clinging on, why? Because that's all you can do. All that's left is numbness or pain.

Knowing Yourself

2008-10-03T11:21:00.001-04:00

This is the third speech I wrote and gave for Toastmasters:

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

Madam Toastmaster, fellow toastmasters and guests. These words by Ralph Waldo Emerson have always rung very true in my life. It seems like everywhere you go – school, work, home – everything you see – TV shows, movies, billboards – there is a new message of who you should be, what you should want, and how you should think. But the reality is that there is only one person you can be, and that is yourself. But you can’t be true to yourself if you don’t know who you really are. So the question is, how do you know yourself?

Everyone has some general sense of self. How could you not? You live your life through your eyes, you experience the world through your senses, and you make decisions based on your thoughts. But is this enough to really know yourself? Can you accurately depict what decision you would make in any given situation? You may think you can, but you may end up like I do, describing the person you wish you were, rather than who you really are. So then, if you can’t even trust yourself, where do you start?

You start by building a basic model. The Myers Briggs Type Indicator is an assessment test that is centered on four dichotomies. These dichotomies are assessed based on three main descriptive categories of a person: attitudes, functions and lifestyle. The targeted questions in the assessment help you to understand your preferences towards extroversion or introversion, intuition or sensing, thinking or feeling and adaption or judgment. By determining these preferences you determine which of sixteen personality types you largely fit. Once you have determined your type, you will have a stronger idea of what your natural inclinations are going to be in a variety of situations and you will have a better grasp of the elements that make you who you are, as well as your strengths and weaknesses. This knowledge of yourself can help you to see patterns of behavior that you tend to follow that you may have never noticed before.

Now with a basic model, the next step is to look at who your friends are. It has been said, show me who your friends are and I will show you who you are. If you look at the six people you spend the most time with, they are a true reflection of who you are. Think about this for a second, it makes a lot of sense. When you have a question or a problem, who do you go to? When you have an idea or come across something of interest, who do you share it with? Your closest friends are the ones that you feel comfortable enough to show your true self. You chose them for a reason, maybe one that you are unaware of, but regardless, you chose them and you continue to choose them. By looking at what makes them who they are, what are their characteristics and values, you will be able to have a perspective of yourself and what really matters to you.

Now with a model and a perspective, the last major elements that make you uniquely who you are, are your beliefs and passions. Originally your beliefs may have been modeled after your parents, or from the religious teachings you follow, but there are core things that you have taken to heart and made your own. These meant more to you because they rang true or resonated with you because of the experiences you have had and the situations you have encountered. The difficult situations you have faced, the pressures and challenges you have endured and overcome have molded and shaped you into who you are. Your passion is evident through your accomplishments because it is what has fueled you to continue on during the hardest times; sticking with decisions to pursue one goal over another, succeeding against greater odds of failure.

Knowing your passions and beliefs, having a perspective of who you are, all built on a model of your preferences is a strong foundation for knowing yourself. By knowing yourself, you are equipped to stand your ground and be your unique self in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else. To be who you are and share yourself with the world is truly the greatest accomplishment.

Life Purpose

2008-10-03T11:18:00.001-04:00

So one of the big questions everyone takes on in life at least at some point or another is, what is the purpose of my life? Or another way of putting it, why am I here?

While there are many articles out there about how to find your life purpose (http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/01/how-to-discover-your-life-purpose-in-about-20-minutes/), I've still not pinned mine down completely. I have taken different steps that seem to resonate better than the path I was previously taking. Before I focused more on doing something challenging that not everyone could do and would have a high potential for helping me to find a job. Now that I have a job, I have been allotted the chance to look at my life with more perspective and start looking for something that fits with who I am and what mark I want to leave on the world.

One of the key steps happened recently when I realized my personality is more INFP than ENFP. It seems like a little thing, and to some people I imagine a stupid thing, but when being more truthful about who I am it has helped me stop thinking that qualities that didn't match up were deficiencies of mine. Now that I've found what seems to be the best match, it's more of a boost than a discouragement because it's all in alignment. It also helped to clarify what other types match up with me and in what roles.

Another key step was joining Toastmasters. I love to write and give inspirational speeches, which is probably why I started coaching. Now that I have a forum where I can do that and continue to grow and refine my skills, I feel like whatever happens with my job I'll have the skills to find a new one doing something that I love. I'm not exactly sure what specifically to use it in, if I should try to become a motivational speaker or a priest or even just get into marketing and sales, but at least I have knowledge of what direction to look.

Finally, the last key step of late has been writing on this blog. I enjoy writing and openly and honestly expressing my thoughts. It helps me to clarify what I'm thinking, see the progress over time, and map out my growth. Plus I hope that it helps to inspire other people to do the same. One of the hardest things is to be truly honest with yourself because it's easy to create cognitive dissonance or let things slide when you are the only one who is suffering, but it does catch up with you eventually. Writing has helped to keep me honest with myself and force me to dig deeper into my thoughts.

So I'm not sure what my Life Purpose is yet. But I'm getting closer and I'm continuing to realign myself with each step, making the next step easier. I use to go to this chiropractor who said that when you fix the initial problems, sometimes it unveils the underline causes. That's what seems to be happening, there are all these layers I've built up with the wrong core fundamental goals. Now, with the right perspective and goals in mind, I'm starting to peel them back and find the truth underneath.

I still have this one goal that I really want to accomplish that trumps everything else. I want to write something that is quoted by lots of people and used to express some wisdom or insight to people even long after I'm gone.

Lego Batman Review

2008-10-02T11:08:00.001-04:00

Again, one of the best perks, if not the best, of working at GameStop is that I get to take home games and try them out for free. With this privilege, I feel like it is my responsibility to also share my thoughts on the games with the world. So here goes.

Over the weekend, I borrowed the new Lego title, Lego Batman. If you've played the other Lego games (Indiana Jones and Star Wars) you know what to expect with these titles. I had not played them, so while I had some clue as to how playing with Legos was going to work, this was still new for me.

The game is broken down into 6 main Chapters. The first three have five parts each and you play through them as Batman and Robin. The second three are the flipped side where you play as the villains. Over the weekend I only finished the first three Chapters as Batman and Robin and then played one of the villain missions where you are the Riddler and Clayface. I imagine with the other missions you will rotate through the different villains as well, but didn't have the time to get through all of them.

Some of the main game dynamics are general fighting, item collection, collection of Lego "stubs" (which is basically the currency for the game) and destroying objects in order to open up Lego pieces that are then built into objects that allow you to advance or operate some new device. Along with just your normal operations, you can also change suits which gives you a new ability such as being able to glide or dive underwater. Each Chapter also has a mission where you use a vehicle, such as the Batmobile or the Batplane.

This game is not designed to be some epic revolution of game play. You're basically playing around with Legos, in Lego environments with a lot of smash and grab repetition. There is some humor and clever little environment combinations thrown into the mix to keep things fresh, but the bottom line is that there is just a lot of stuff to collect and it's going to take a while to do it. You'll have fun doing it for as long as you can keep interest, but inevitably the repetition will add up.

A few side features exist that reward you for your efforts. You can purchase information about the Batman franchise, you can buy access to new characters, you can do a mix and match to determine what you want your super hero to look like, you can wander around the "trophy room" to see what you've collected, and there seems to be some mini games scattered throughout like collecting money lying around Wayne Manor.

There weren't any real flaws with the game that I could think of as long as you understand what you are getting into. I ran into some confusion early on because it didn't do a very good job of explaining the controls to me as well as what options I had available in order to know what I could and could not do at the current time. Some of the stuff you have to come back to in the "Free Play" mode of the levels in order to collect (at least that's my assumption since I couldn't find any other way of doing it), so not knowing that produced some frustration in the beginning as I looked around trying to figure out what I was missing.

Overall, I played it more during the weekend than I thought I was going to because it was fun. There wasn't a lot of thought involved, and I imagine if you've got a buddy and want to play co-op, it can be a lot of fun to tag team the bosses and just go through the levels smashing stuff. The bottom line is that you're playing with Legos, so if you're cool with that, you'll enjoy the game.

Happy Place

2008-10-01T16:29:00.000-04:00

So I've been powering through this big project at work, pushing to meet the final deadlines. It's been really tiring but all the work is paying off and I'm almost finished. The whole process has been draining, but today I got to go to my happy place.

So, before I continue, what is a happy place? For me, my Happy Place is a real location that I actually physically travel to. The reason it is my Happy Place is because no matter what else is going on, how tired I am, what mood I'm in when I enter, I always leave feeling refreshed. It's like a wellspring of joy and energy that I dive into and everything outside melts away. Another way to put it is its a place that I go to when my batteries are low and I can sit and charge back up.

My Happy Place is GameStop. This is the main reason I wanted to work there. The best though is when two specific coworkers are working. Something about those two, esp when they are there together, creates an awesome environment that makes you happy to be alive.

Part of it is because they are so good at what they do. At GameStop no one makes a commission, but we do like to get people to sign up for the Edge cards and reserve games coming up. A lot of people think, oh who cares about that, they just want my money. The Edge card is like $14 for a whole year, you get 12 issues of Game Informer, 10% off used games, 10% additional for any trades as well as an assortment of other little perks and bonuses. Reserves are great because they guarantee you're going to get your game, esp for hot titles that are going to fly off the shelves. If we get enough reserves for a game, we can do a midnight launch, which is an awesome experience.

Anyway, now that I've gone off on my tangent, the beauty is in how they sell. Again, they don't get any commission or anything, it's more just because they truly believe in the value to be had. But watching them talk to customers and explain the benefits, parrying different objections, and how the presentation has different pieces that they throw in a different times, it really is a work of art. Life is filled with little moments that shine forth with true beauty and one of the greatest crimes a person can commit is to rob themselves of appreciating them. Watching those two work, for me at least, is one of those moments. It is a display of true, pure beauty.

After watching them, I'm filled with inspiration. It's like because I've seen them exercise their talents and abilities so well, I too want to go out and release what I have out into the world. And that is why it's my Happy Place.

Progress or Depression

2008-09-30T23:42:00.001-04:00

So everyone has something. Maybe you don't know what it is yet, but you have something, some little defect that makes you who you are. It could be OCD, it could be an eating disorder, it could be any number of things. But it's something. I have Depression.

It seems that the current theory is that my new passive trend may just be the first step towards a seasonal relapse into a Depressed state.

I thought I had beat this. I work out so that I'm in good shape. I changed my diet so that I get Vitamin D and I even take fish oil supplements for the Omega 3. I keep a pretty strict sleep schedule.

I can't even write about this.

I'm probably bipolar, since that's what my great grandmother was. That nervous energy I wrote about is probably a manic state that just recently came to an end and now comes the depression state.

I hate this.

I guess we'll see.

Rent vs Buy

2008-09-30T14:10:00.001-04:00

Renting makes more financial sense than homeownership

Very interesting argument with a lot of valid points. Currently, I'm still a renter and probably will be for at least a while since housing prices have inflated to such a ridiculously high amount, but that's more a personal choice of what works best for my current situation. Personally, I still believe with the right consideration of the following points, buying trumps renting.

The first thing to consider is the specific market you are analyzing. In the NY market, I could see why there is a significant difference between monthly rental rates and ownership mortgage payment rates, but in other markets the balance is the reverse, you can actually end up in a situation where the rent is more per month than the mortgage payment. A year or so back, I did some sample evaluation in North Carolina and found a market where the prices were almost equal, something I have never seen in my home market. There is enough public information out there that you can research markets across the country to find ones with better ratios so that the odds of finding a deal in that market is statistically favorable. This of course assumes you have the freedom to choose where you are buying, which works better for an investment property than a primary residence.

The second thing is the price and method of purchase. Just like how rental price can be negotiated, a house purchase price shifts by the laws of supply and demand. You don't have to buy a house through a Realtor, you can purchase a foreclosure, a bank auction, or do a lease option. Regardless of how the national market is, there will always be people desperate to sell and offering great deals if you are willing to look for them. It comes down to a matter of preference, esp if this is your primary living space, but with an investment property it becomes more about finding numbers that work in your favor for making a profit off of the rent.

I will say this, there is no blanket right or wrong answer for whether renting or buying is better. The bottom line is your individual financial situation, expectations and desires. Business and real estate are great investment tools, stocks and bonds being better for the passive investor and real estate better for the active investor, so it comes down to your preference for level of involvement. Sometimes the burdens that come with buying a house add a level of stress or frustration that tips the scale against the value any monetary gains would give.

Quiet Confidence

2008-09-29T00:33:00.001-04:00

So I've noticed this shift recently. I wrote about this previously, about feeling like being in a current and always trying to fight against it. Now that I've stopped fighting the current and started to go with it, everything in my life is dramatically changing, and for the better. It's like this. Previously, I'd read something, understand the concept, appreciate the inherent beauty of it, and then try to change my life to be more like it. But the problem with this approach is that you are constantly trying to be like someone else. That doesn't work though because you can only be you.

I want to say, it's like I've accepted who I am instead of fighting it. Now when I read something inspiring, it's more like I incorporate it into my philosophy, or see how it applies to what I am doing, but it doesn't change my core goals. Instead of trying to do what seems to be successful for someone else, I just apply the new knowledge towards what I am working towards already, what is important to me. I'm not going to be happy even if I'm successful accomplishing someone else's goals, I'm only going to be happy being successful in being me and accomplishing my goals.

Sadly, the more I write about this the more it seems like obvious common sense, but I say again, it's not so obvious when you're too close to the action.

The result though is that I'm developing this quiet confidence. This greater understanding of who I am, what unique gifts and talents I have, and how I can develop them and use them to benefit a greater and greater number of people. Growing up, I always felt like I had to be someone else in order to do something people would see as valuable. Like I had to be a engineering type major in order to end up successful or be paid well. But now I'm starting to see the truth in that being a person of value, who has developed their natural strengths and used them to do something in a successful way is always going to be valuable to someone. The better I develop, the more value I'll have.

Previously, all my actions were reactionary, or almost in desperation. I was uncertain of who I was, so I'd be the person I thought other people wanted me to be instead of being true to myself. Now, I'm more honest with myself and what is important to me. Now I have a core philosophy that governs my actions, helps me to see what choice is correct for me regardless of the situation or person I'm dealing with at the time. It's like with the Catholic church, any new issue that comes up, they already have a position on it based on their core belief structure. I know what I believe to be true, and I act accordingly. I had this to some degree before, but before there was always this fear like what I believed was wrong or unacceptable, like everyone had to agree with it or if they didn't something I was doing was wrong. But now I understand that I have to do what works for me, based off of what I want and what I believe to be true, otherwise I'll never be confident in my actions. Now I follow what comes naturally because I have more trust in my own decision making.

In part I have to thank Steve Pavlina for this. Reading his book and writings has gone a long way in giving me a proof of example as to how being yourself is rewarded by the world. I'm a little sadden though, because in this move he's made to a pure raw diet, he seems to have made a shift that's made it harder to relate to him. It seems to be very good for him, but it's not something either I'm ready for or that I'm considering in my own life at this time, so I feel like we're falling more and more out of sync. I truly hope that this is not the case and that he'll keep writing in a way that I can continue to grow from, but as of now I'm worried based off some of his most recent posts.

The Price of Success

2008-09-25T17:05:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking today about this concept of "The Price of Success". I have read a lot of books about habits, ways to be successful, different techniques and skills to learn. All kinds of things that, if applied correctly, should lead to success, happiness, all your wildest dreams...

Here is what bothers me though. They don't talk about what you give up. In order to be successful, it seems you almost have to be a slave to a routine and a certain way of thinking. Sure that sounds fine and dandy because you don't focus on it, all that is focused on is the rewards. But it's all starting to sound like a sales pitch again. I've learned the secret to a great sales pitch is never to talk about the product first, always start by establishing the customer's goals and dreams, then find some way to incorporate how your idea or product is essential to fulfillment of that dream. That way they're so fixated on something ethereal and far out that they forget about the short term inconvenience of what they are giving up to you, essentially their freedom.

Now, this may be totally off balance. Maybe these people really are trying to help. Maybe the success and happiness promised that they say they have attained is the end goal everyone should strive for. Maybe being a slave to this routine and habits and way of thinking is really the best way to develop as a human being, and secretly we think we want freedom but the reality is that we just want the freedom to pick out our cage.

The question though is, what if I want to make "bad" choices? What if I don't want to be frugal? What if I want to not think about the consequences of my actions? What if I want to gorge? Maybe I would never read their book or advertisement. But does having doubt, having this sense of a conscience, this uncertainty about the direction I'm taking with my life really just make me a pawn that's easily coerced by their speak?

What if the real answer is your answer? What if reading this advice is just a deterrent from you actually just doing what you want but by providing it, I'm feeding your insecurity and weakness, perpetuating your fixation on needing someone else to tell you what is right because you don't have the confidence to believe in yourself?

Maybe the reason people reach a level of success is because they stopped listening, they stopped looking, they just did what they wanted to do, fought through the resistance and became free of the lack of trust in themselves? That's why people who lose and lose big do so well. They forget about everything else, loss all the inhibitions that they've collected because they reach a point where it's just about survival, not about the shallow constructs that are so easy to build around yourself and trap you where you are.

But how can you be sure I'm right about this either? I'm just a talking head like the rest of them.

Personal Development

2008-09-25T09:58:00.001-04:00

Just recently I ordered, received and started reading through Personal Development for Smart People, The Conscious Pursuit of Personal Growth by Steve Pavlina. Let me just say first, this has been the best personal development book I've read so far. I am only about 100 pages into the book, but already the format and explanation of concepts has been very clear and concise. Also, I've found what he writes about to be inline with what I've been intuitively learning through experiences and trial and error for the last few years.

What I find funny about the book is the logical building blocks he uses to formulate fundamental tenants for putting together a life that will provide you with happiness, success and purpose. It's almost like he is writing a mathematical proof, first defining the core tenants than using them to build higher. I mean, the approach really makes sense once you see it written out, esp since the fundamental tenants he has chosen seem dead on, but it's unexpected in this field since I imagine most people that gravitate to it don't have formal training in logic.

Also what I've found interesting is how much overlap there is between this book and the Rich Dad, Poor Dad coaching and philosophy. The terminology is different, but the concepts and general ideas are the same. Basically that you grow rich in life through development, hard work and working towards goals through experimentation, learning and perseverance through failure. Also, that people who are rich become rich by helping as many people as possible. I find the whole thing to be similar to the concepts in Maslow's hierarchy. (http://sagerave.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/maslow.gif)

I'm intrigued about what the rest of the book has in store since I haven't even finished the initial section about the principles. The second section seems to focus on application. That also seems like the Rich Dad program, but that is also where I struggled there, so hopefully I'll have better results with the exercises here.

Dealing with Disappointment

2008-09-25T09:39:00.000-04:00

One of the things they teach you in Quixtar is when you make an appointment with someone, always restate the details of the appointment and make sure that they wrote it down in order to confirm. Apparently, most people are not good with keeping appointments.

This was always, and still remains, a foreign concept to me. I strive to be as truthful as I can, which actually seems harder to do when making commitments to myself rather than to other people. But for some reason this is not the case for other people, which surprises me because of my perspective towards it. I remember in the Rich Dad Poor Dad Coaching tapes this one interview with a guy who studied wealthy people. He said they all seemed to share two things, real estate and their word was their honor. Apparently for a lot of people, making a verbal or written commitment is more of a guideline than a commitment or a maybe than a yes.

Again I say how this seems strange to me because I firmly believe that in any relationship the most important things are trust and communication. If you cannot keep your word, how can a person believe anything you say or come to count on you if they need your help? What is the good of having an unreliable friend other than if you feel like there is value in "being friends" with a large quantity of people? If you are missing the trust, how can you have good communication? I personally would not share anything personal or important to me with someone I don't trust because it would be like giving money to a known thief and expecting some positive return on investment. It just seems so contradictory.

The final thought I have about this is a question about why people make the commitment if they don't intend to keep it. I'm more disappointed when I'm expecting someone to do something and they don't than I am upset if they just say no outright. Usually these happen in situations that don't contain any sense of urgency, like if someone says "Oh, I'll call you tomorrow". If they expect to be busy tomorrow or they know that calling me back is not a high priority so they'll probably end up pushing off, then don't commit to tomorrow. Just be honest, because then at least I know the truth. If I'm not happy with the truth, then it is my responsibility to make the truth more inline with what expectation I have or what I want, but if you just lead the person on then how can you validly say that it's the other person's problem rather than your own? If you just have a bad memory and you forget, at least you can be honest and offer the other person the opportunity to remedy the situation by taking over responsibility to remember contacting you.

I guess you could make the argument that you try to say what you are saying without actually saying it, by giving clues that are "obvious". I would argue though, that nothing is more obvious than just saying what you really want to say directly rather than trying to spare the person's feelings.

Buy maybe I should just change my base assumption of trustworthiness and instead only trust through validation. They say when approaching a business deal you should always trust by verify, so maybe all encounters should be treated this way.

Walking Zombie

2008-09-25T09:14:00.001-04:00

So I've been shifting my schedule earlier all week. Part of the motivation has come from the numerous articles I've read about the advantages of getting up early. Part of the motivation came directly from talking to a good friend of mine who goes to bed early and gets up early (I figured if I'm more aligned with her schedule, I'll be more likely to meet more people like her). This is day four of waking up a half hour earlier (not a half hour earlier each day, just one half hour earlier than I'm use to). The experience so far has taught me a lot of things.

First, if other people are as tired as I am now, but on a normal basis, that would explain a lot. I'm irritable, crabby, lazy and quick to anger. My fine motor coordination has dropped significantly, I almost feel like I'm drunk. Today on the way to work, I honked at a few people and maneuvered around them because their driving, which was pretty on par with the standard poor driving, was too much for me to be on the defense for. I just wanted some separation from everyone else because I knew I wasn't going to have the reaction speed necessary to do emergency maneuvering if they started edging into my lane or cut me off.

Second, I understand this addiction to coffee that everyone seems to have. While I personally have not submitted to drinking coffee, I have bought myself some candy bars the last few days just to try and get a boost that will help carry me through the rest of the day. The idea of a 9-5 work day seems really stupid in my eyes. Personally, I'd be more productive if I had just stayed in bed until I got enough sleep to function correctly and then came in and worked the rest of the day. I see how this isn't the employer's fault, but allowing a more flexible work schedule as long as the work gets done cannot possibly be a bad thing. I'll have to reevaluate once I've fully adapted to the new schedule.

Finally, this has been my experience with the change. So far it has been almost impossible to actually fall asleep earlier. I imagine I could take some supplement like melatonin or serotonin (whichever it is, memory problems have also started to occur with sleep loss) and that would help me to fall asleep. I did fall asleep a little on the early side last night, only to wake up 4 hours later. This had the unfortunate side effect that taking a nap when you really want to go to bed for the night would. I couldn't fall back to sleep for about 3 hours after this. On the other end, waking up has taken a little more effort just with the initial step of getting out of bed. I've read and found to be true that if you get up when your alarm first goes off you are more likely to stay awake and the process is easier. The only additional difficulty has been going through my normal morning routine with less fine motor coordination. I've actually run into a few walls, I guess because I figured that I had walked far enough to get around the corner or through the door.

I'll report further once I have adapted to the change better, but so far the costs have been outweighing the benefits. I'm hoping with the daylight shortening, I'll at least have the benefit of enjoying a little extra sunlight than I would have gotten. If this does start to work and I end up pushing earlier, I hope to be able to exercise some in the morning before going to work. I'm not sure how early I'll have to get up in order to do this, or what the best time to get into work in the morning is, but that'll be thoughts for down the road.

Bad Customer Service

2008-09-23T14:35:00.000-04:00

I'm writing this not to settle a personal gripe but more because I feel this needs to be said. I've had experiences with three businesses lately that have shown very poor Customer Service. In business, I believe that Customer Service is, if not the most important part, one of the most important pieces. One of the reasons I decided to work at GameStop part time was because of their emphasis and understanding of the importance of Customer Service. If you do not treat your customers correctly, providing them with prompt and courteous service and solution to their need, then they will not remain your customer for long. In this day and age, word of mouth advertising is one of the few genuine, trustworthy sources of recommendation left. Bad recommendations are an even purer source with much larger reach and less hesitancy to spread.

That being said, here are my three recent example of bad Customer Service.

First is Chipotle. This is not a universal criticism, but rather specific to one location and one employee, but as an employee of the company you are a representative of the brand. Recently I went in to a local store, waited my turn in line and ordered my common order, which is hard tacos to go. The lady placed the aluminum foil down and pushed it along. The next lady in line filled the customer before me's order, paused, removed the aluminum foil for my order from the line and proceeded to fill the next customer in line's order. No explanation was given. I politely asked about my order, but no response was given. The next person in line's order was filled and the line started to move along past me. I inquired again, but still no response. At this point I looked around at the other customers, then left the store. I'm still not sure why exactly my order was left out and why the ladies behind the counter were ignoring me, but I have not returned since and do not plan to any time in the near future.

Second is Three Brothers. Being lactose intolerant, it is always a nuisance to have to tell everyone at restaurants to hold the cheese or not put cheese on, but I always make a special emphasis of the point. I ordered a normal order of a chicken cheese steak, without the cheese (making special emphasis because this store has gotten it wrong probably 3/5 of the time I've ordered there). Not surprisingly, they got it wrong again. Normally, I'm very forgiving of this and would not make a big deal out of it. This time was different. The manager there, after finding out that they got my order wrong and were going to have to remake it, came up to me and said, "Next time, make sure that they type it into the order." There were several things that bothered me about this. The first was the tone, which doesn't come through in print. The second was that, even though I made special note of this when ordering, apparently it is my responsibility as the customer to make sure her staff does their job correctly. Something rang false about that to me. I'm paying them for a service, and apparently I am now responsible for supervision on that service. That sounded more like her job to me than mine.

The third and final example is Sprint. I'm not sure exactly where it all started. It may be the poor level of service, it may be that they have hung up on me so many times, but Sprint is probably my least favorite company. In my most recent conversation with Sprint, they called me during the work day (for the fourth time or so) to tell me that I have an old crappy phone that I should upgrade. They of course want to provide me the upgrade for free (minus the new commitment to a 1 or 2 year contract). After the lady was laying into my phone for a while, I stopped her and said that I wanted to speak with her manager about my account. She put me on hold for about 10 minutes, then hung up on me.

So there you have it. Each of these small, almost petty seeming encounters have left a bad taste in my mouth as a consumer. We have the choice to vote with our dollars and my patronage at these companies has been lost.

New Direction Thoughts

2008-09-22T15:58:00.000-04:00

Some men have had a deep conviction of their destiny, and in that conviction have prospered; but when they cease to act as an instrument, and think of themselves as the active source of what they do, their pride is punished by disaster. …The concept of destiny leaves us with a mystery, but it is a mystery not contrary to reason, for it implies that the world, and the course of human history, have meaning.

I found this quote in a blog I was reading earlier today.
(http://www.soulshelter.com/2008/09/21/how-to-work-without-working/)

It felt very inline with what I've been thinking and experiencing lately.

For a long time I've had this sense like I have to force all these things to happen in my life because I have this sense that I'm destined to do more than I'm doing. Usually, the result of this is me expending all this time, effort and energy into making something happen, with the end result being frustration and more of the same.

So instead, I'm trying to take the perspective more of the observer. I have certain talents and abilities and I'm going to continue to work on developing them. While I do it, I'm going to keep my eyes open for the opportunities that come along, rather than trying to force them to appear. That way it's more of an organic growth, rather than something manufactured and over hyped. I'm focusing on something I enjoy and am good at, rather than trying to be someone else just for perceived benefits.

While the opposite approach seems to work for some people, it doesn't seem to work for me. I have this deep belief that you have to work for and earn what you have, that your status changes as you grow. So when I try to take shortcuts, I sabotage myself because I don't believe it is either fair or honest or I get this sense of guilt.

I have noticed an improvement since I've shifted in my thinking. An example is with running. I like running, I do it for fun and enjoyment. But now I'm getting to the point where I can run further distances, so I've started doing 3K, 5K and 10Ks. This has opened up new topics of conversation, helped me to meet new people and has just been an overall positive experience in my life. It all happened without me having to beat everyone over the head around me and get them excited in it, or rely on other people to help inspire me to want to do it. I don't do it because I think I "should" do it, or because other people have told me to, I do it because I enjoy doing it.

Somewhat related to this is another concept I've heard about a lot recently. The idea of "media fasting" or "commercial fasting", basically avoiding other input for a certain amount of time in order to get in better touch with what you want. I'm finally starting to understand why and how this works. By removing the influences around you, the focus starts to shift more onto what you naturally like or dislike in your life. For example, if you work at a job you hate just to pay the bills so you can live in a large house, something may be wrong. Maybe you'd be happier working somewhere else for less pay and the overall total happiness would be higher even if you had to move to a smaller place. It seems pretty logical since you have to work so long or hard that at the end of the day you can't even enjoy the large house anyway.

Stars Wars: The Force Unleashed

2008-09-22T15:19:00.004-04:00

One of the perks of working at GameStop is that you get to borrow games from the store for four days at a time. Apparently, it's so that we can do 'research' and be up-to-date with new titles and experienced with games that we are selling at the store.

In keeping with this, I've been borrowing a game each week. The first week I borrowed "Infinite Undiscovery" for the Xbox 360. I ended up playing it for 30 minutes, not really liking the controls and then not playing it the rest of the four days. I hear the plot picks up about four hours into the game and I imagine you get use to the controls but I didn't enjoy it and it doesn't get my recommendation.

Second, I borrowed "Mercenaries 2: World in Flames" for the Xbox 360. It seems to be very similar to Grand Theft Auto, except with the addition of being able to destroy different parts of the environment. I played this for a couple of hours, got bored and sick of completing the little objectives and that was it. Fun, but not a must play.

Finally, over this last weekend, I borrowed Star Wars: The Force Unleashed for the Xbox 360. I feel obliged to review my thoughts on this game.

First of all, a disclaimer. I only played the 360 version of the game and I played through on the easiest difficulty, one because I had four days to beat it, and two because I'm lazy and wasn't looking to play something challenging.

The concept behind the game is that you are playing as Darth Vader's secret apprentice between the time frame of the third movie and the fourth movie. He sends you out to hunt down various Jedi and then through some plot twists you end up gathering together the Empire's enemies in order to start the rebellion.

This is a very linear, action game with some platforming elements tied into the game play as well as "button time sequences" when fighting against bosses or various larger enemies. As you progress you get "level ups" in a sense that allow you to unlock new combos, force powers (strengthen really since advancing the game unlocks the new powers), and status increases that enhance various categories. Also, there is a collection element to the game in the form of different power ups that will either give you force points, some item like a light saber crystal or a cloak, or a rank up point that can contribute to upgrading one of the three different elements I mentioned earlier.

What I enjoyed about the game was mainly the Force Lightning. Being able to shoot lightening out of yourself and fry everyone around you is one of the most enjoyable things a person can do. It's small and simple, but frankly, it made this whole game for me. There are lots of force powers available, like the force push, being able to pick up things and people and throw them around, a force lightning shield and this force shockwave, but the lightning was the main power I used because it is so effective. As you go through and gain access to all these abilities, I imagine you'll end up like me, forgetting about all but one or two of them for long stretches and sticking mainly with whatever is your favorite.

The only major gripe I had with the game was the platforming elements. They give you free control of the camera, so you can rotate it around, but it doesn't make it any easier to determine exactly where you are going to land. By "using the force" you have the ability to double jump, but it isn't always clear what is a platform you can land on and what is part of the background. I wish you could use your force grip ability to levitate or lift yourself onto higher platforms, but sadly this is not an option.

Overall, I enjoyed playing through the game. I don't think I'd buy the game, but it's worth a rental if you have 10 hours to kill and you're looking for something fun to do with the time.

Today

2008-09-18T14:43:00.000-04:00

Today is one of those days.
It's hard to accurately describe it,
it's like your soul is sucked out of your body,
and you just sit there numb.

It's like you have a certain number of ways you can lie to yourself about your situation being better than it really is but eventually,
you run out and you're just stuck staring at the cold reality.
The question is, what is better;
finding some way to keep killing the pain because you don't know how to find a better solution,
or just sit in that state until it is so unbearable that you just snap and force some dramatic change?

Sadly, I'm going to go buy a candy bar and numb the pain some more.

Cleansing Fire

2008-09-18T11:26:00.001-04:00

If you're like me, you've gotten the privilege of watching your stocks drop in value a significant percentage over the last week. Nothing helps to ruin a day like seeing those red numbers come up all over your portfolio, almost like watching your net worth bleeding away.

Unfortunately, I don't have any magic advice to save your portfolio. Instead, I'm going to just sit and ride it out, continuing to dollar-cost-average as I wait for my portfolio to recover over the next couple of years.

I do want to interject some perspective. The linked article talks about how this is just technology starting to creep into the finance industry and how it brings about destructive but progressive change. I like to think of it like a cleansing wild fire. Times change, humanity advances and people's needs change. If businesses don't change with them, then they become like rotting, dead wood, waiting for a spark to set them aflame. The healthy, growing and changing businesses are strong enough to not be engulfed by the flames, and then grow stronger from the ashes of their competitors and the new space opened up by their removal.

The economy is cyclical. It's always been that way and it will always remain that way as long as the basic principles of supply and demand remain true. We are in the midst of a down cycle. It was going to happen eventually, despite the government's best efforts. Things are going to be very different from the up cycle we are all use to, but that doesn't mean that the opportunities are gone, or that the new challenges presented cannot be overcome. It's just time for us as individuals to shift our thinking and adapt, much like the businesses have to. Just make sure that you aren't stuck being dead wood.

Different

2008-09-17T10:09:00.001-04:00

I feel really different today. I'm not sure what to make of it, like if it is a good thing or a bad thing.

Normally I have this anxious or almost nervous energy, like I have to do something big and dramatic right now to change something in my life so that it's better. But today, I feel different. It's like this content happiness.

I think I normally picture this world where everything is this idealization that seems so perfect, and I want that to be my life, I want to change everything to be like that world. But recently I've started to let it go. I don't really think it exists.

Now, you're probably thinking, what? How is that a good thing to give up on your goals and just start to be content?

Well, I think it's a little different than that. It's more like I have goals, I want to be happy, and I do want some areas of my life to change. But at the same time, the ideal world I picture is never reality, it's always just a fantasy. And usually, it's a fantasy so outlandish that it's just not possible. So by thinking I can have that, or that I should want that, I miss out on the little things that make me happy, or that will start to change my life in positive ways, because I'm always looking for bigger things that will cause instant and dramatic change. But it just doesn't work like that.

It's like working out. If you're out of shape and you think there is some pill or some magic exercise that's going to make you have a perfect body, then you're going to get very discouraged and quit. But if you realize that taking a small step now, and progressing at a steady pace, eventually you can achieve your goal, then you have a better chance of making it a reality.

I've used the analogy in the past of this feeling like I'm trying to walk upstream against the current. Well, I think the reason for that is that I'm trying to make everything happen on my own. I'm trying to be this dynamo that's going to make the water start flowing the direction I want it to. But I'm starting to think that is what is causing all my unhappiness. By trying to force everything to work, I just get frustrated and stuck where I am, rather than working with the environment around me to get to a better place. I put so much pressure on myself that I become terrified of messing up, and that forces me to mess up.

So instead, I'm just going to start going with the flow. I'm going to do what comes naturally, trust my instincts and intuition and be open to what comes along, rather than trying to optimize everything and passing on every opportunity because it doesn't seem perfect enough.

Again, I'm sure this seems like common sense to everyone else, but it's hard to see what is the cause of the problems in your life, esp when it turns out to be you.

Fear

2008-09-16T13:02:00.000-04:00

So I have a new theory about fear. The problem with it is that usually it's based around some misconception or some perception we create that makes whatever we are afraid larger than it really is. Larger in the sense of, harder to overcome, a bigger problem than it really is, or just actually seem physically larger (like a fear of insects).

So when you try to overcome this, the longer you wait the larger it becomes, until you get to the point where it's too large to even think about it. So you push it off or try to focus on something else.

This leads to the problem. The fear has made the task so large that you as an individual can no longer seem to conquer it on your own. So the only way to conquer fear, is to work with someone else. Someone who may have fears of their own, but not the same fears that you have. This is why expanding your social circle or experiencing something new is so vital, because it forces you to alter your perspective and it helps to shrink fears back to reality.

Growing up, my parents were never ones to ask for help. Maybe on occasion they would have certain people they would call on for specific tasks, but when it came to new problems they were all about tackling it on their own. In observing them, I picked up this trait. While I feel like I've developed into a capable individual, learning how to ask others for help is a necessary skill that I was lacking and am only now learning to develop.

Asking others for help is a tool for breaking down barriers, building relationships, and presenting other people with an opportunity to feel useful and helpful. We all have our own individual strengths and weaknesses, by understanding that and overcoming the pride that prevents us from reaching out to others, we helps create a chain of growth and opportunity. I've found from personal experience that any thoughts or actions that help us to feel connected to other people around us cannot be bad, but those that create a sense of isolation only lead to negative recourse.

This all sounds like common sense, and I'm sure it is, but sometimes it's hard to look at our own lives and see what mistakes we are making. Being too close to the action makes it difficult to see the alternative paths that we miss out on.

A little Differnt

2008-09-15T13:29:00.002-04:00

This is a little different than normal, but I really enjoyed this story so I figured I'd link to it:
http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1761516

ENFP or INFP?

2008-09-15T11:07:00.000-04:00

So, I took this personality test last night and the result has been bothering me.

At this point, I've taken the test so many times that if I wanted to I could steer the result to any of the sixteen types. But this time I was trying to be as honest as possible. On the questions that I wasn't too sure about, I stuck with just the middle of the road choice since I couldn't make a hard decision one way or the other. In the cases of S vs N, I'm sure I had some bias towards N because I know that I am an N and that just felt right, but the rest I just let whatever my first impression was come through.

The interesting part of all of this was that I ended up with INFP as my type, which is different than the ENFP normal result. So I'm wondering, maybe I was wrong about the E, maybe I am an I. It wasn't like the I was a dominant result, it was pretty close to the border, but I could see why I would make the mistake of thinking I'm an E. Normally my Mom likes to analyze people and determine their types, but she's very introverted, so I imagine anyone that seems more extroverted than her she categorizes as an extrovert. She is the one who is very adamant about me being an ENFP, but that E could just be her personal bias.

Viewing things from my perspective, I do tend to be hesitant in crowds of new people, and in any groups greater than three. It's not that I don't enjoy outgoing experiences with lots of people, but I also don't jump in head first. One of my brothers and my sister are extroverts and they do seem to react very differently in crowds. They don't have the hesitance that I do, they just engage. I'm usually better with one on one conversations or groups of three people. I'm tentative about when to speak in a larger group and don't like to push my thoughts into conversation over other people. I tend to express myself more openly in my writing than I do when talking to people, and am very introspective about my thoughts.

The real kicker for this is that my Aunt is an ENFP. She and I are very different when it comes to social situations. She is always talking, and usually constantly pushing some viewpoint she has about whatever topic is at hand or on her mind. She likes to be the center of attention, but I actually like one on one conversations where I feel I have more control and can focus on different topics of conversations that I share interest with the person I'm talking to.

So I'm really starting to jump on the band wagon of this INFP thing. I realize there is a pretty big overlap between the two types, but at least this way I feel like I understand better why I have that tentative feeling in social situations that I imagine most (if not all) extroverts don't have. Plus I see why, even thought I don't like spending eight hours a day in a cubicle, I do like to have some time to myself to decompress rather than being up and out all the time during the day. Usually I'm good with social situations where I am introduced to the new people and have some common ground to start building on, rather than just the cold entry.

Anyway, here is the description for the INFP personality type:

http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html

Second Job

2008-09-13T02:08:00.001-04:00

So I finished my second shift at my second job tonight. It's enlightening to work in a manually labor job. For example, after standing up for five hours, I can fully understand why people go to bars after work.

I'm picking up some things quicker. I've gotten better at reading the customers, growing interactions and helping to close sales, or at least be more helpful and develop a repoire. I'm not good at moving past the first no to at least the second one when I try to push products. I still think it's "wrong" or feel bad about putting pressure on people, but the reality is that people are just always going to react with a no first in 90% of the cases.

One thing I don't understand still is how to make plans for a Friday night. I guess since I worked Friday nights when I was in high school and I went to a school a 30 minute drive away from where I lived, I kinda missed out on how all that works. It'd be nice to have some friends that actually called me up and invited me out instead of trying to generate some activity myself all the time. In Bill Simmon's article, his wife talks about the concept of "pursuers" and "pursuees". I need to find more "pursuers" who will generate activities to do. I guess in the past I've blown them off, thinking that whatever activity they were offering wasn't something I wanted to do. I need to change that and start participating.

I still have this feeling like, "why don't people have any interest in doing the things that I want to do?". Maybe I'm still targeting the wrong audience.

Unstopping the Cork

2008-09-12T00:59:00.001-04:00

Have you ever had those moments in life where there is just this big rush or flurry of activity after a long time of nothing? Like all your energy and motivation towards something is just unleashed all at once?

I feel like it's like unstopping the cork. Like you have a goal, but something is holding you back, and you keep wanting to do something about it, but for whatever reason you don't and the energy almost seems to bottle up. And then some event occurs, and the obstacle blocking your path is removed and you just burst forward.

Robert Kiyosaki likes to talk about "expanding your context", this idea that you have to believe something before it can become reality. I'm starting to understand more and more what he means as these things happen. Once my context shifts, then something happens in my life and all of a sudden the problem is solved and it's hard to even imagine what it was like before.

What I find strange about this is how sometimes the event happens without me causing it. Sometimes it's almost like a direct action of me NOT doing anything. I almost think that I try to force things too much, and that the reason I feel like I'm walking upstream in a fast flowing river is because I'm doing that to myself, fighting the current instead of going along with it. It's almost like I have this intuition about what to do, but instead of trusting myself and believing that the right thing will happen for me, I keep trying to make something happen that I think is right or I think is what I want.

Does any of this happen to other people, or is it just me?

Quick Story

2008-09-11T11:32:00.001-04:00

So, just because it's 9/11 I'm going to share this quick story.

I remember the events of 9/11/2001 for one main reason. It was my senior year of high school and I was in AP Econ at 9:11 AM. I remember looking at my watch and thinking, "Wow, it's 9:11 on 9/11, weird how that's a lot of 9-1-1". The next class they turn on the TV and you see the towers on fire.

It just kinda left this weird impact on me and now whenever it's 9:11 AM or PM and I happen to look at the clock I almost expect something significant to happen in my life or the world in general.

Take the Time

2008-09-11T11:26:00.000-04:00

So, to put this in context, this is my fifth speech for Toastmasters. I joined the club in January and am now the Treasurer. It's been a great experience so far since I've met a lot of quality people, I've honed some of my writing skills, I've gotten practice giving speeches and I've gained some self confidence. I give this speech on Monday. It's suppose to be at least 5 minutes, but right now it runs about 3:15. It should run longer when I say it by memory and input gestures and movement, but I still need to add more to it since 1:45 is a lot of time to make up.

I might post my earlier speeches as well, just because I put a lot of time into crafting them, and sadly when I deliver them I don't always say them right and they are designed with certain wordplay and content ordering that doesn't end up coming through because of that.

In life, our most precious resource is time.
You cannot turn back the clock.
You cannot change the past.
You cannot freeze time.
Time is always marching forward. Worst of all, you never know how much time you actually have left.

Mister Toastmaster, fellow toastmasters and guests.

Does this subject make you anxious?
It should.

Everyone should have a list of things they still want to do with their lives. If you don’t, then are you really living? Goals are our lifeblood. They keep us moving forward, growing, working towards a better future.

But even knowing all of this, I present you with a contrary thought. Take the time.
Take the time to enjoy the journey.
Take the time to experience life.
Take the time to soak it all in, absorb all you can.

The time spent between actions quickly disappears from memory. Sometimes, this time is even spent in an unconscious fog. I remember a time in high school when I would wake up, throw on some clothes, grab my books, get in the car and the next thing I knew the whole day had gone by and I hardly remembered any of it. So do not spend all your time in transition.

Do you remember the trip to work this morning? Maybe you do if it was stressful, or unusual. But if it was just like the day before then it’s already a blur with all the others just like it. And if you only remember it because it was stressful, is that a good thing? If you only remember bad things, how can you feel positive about your life? Spend your time in the moments of your choosing.

Sometimes at work, I like to walk to the strip mall where I buy my lunch.
Yes, it would be much quicker to drive.
I could rush there, buy my food, rush back and eat at my desk. Then at the end of the day I could get home a little earlier. But something is wrong with that.
That is a life always spent in transition, waiting to get to the next big thing.

When I walk, I take my time.
I stretch a little.
I look around.
I am conscious of the ground under my feet.
I take the time to “smell the roses”. Rather than focusing on where I’m going and finding the fastest route there, I’m focused on where I am. I am in the moment. And I enjoy the experience. It’s nothing special, but it’s time that I am choosing to spend in the manor that I want to spend it. It is my time.

Think of it like this:
After much research, you find an $80 bottle of wine that fits with your tastes. You open it up and pour out the first glass.
Would you chug that glass?
Would you race through the bottle, downing one glass after the next?
Would you pour it down the drain so you can open the next bottle?
Of course not!
You’d probably look at the wine in the glass. Swirl it around some, smell the aroma, take one sip at a time. And you would savor it. You would drink it slowly, noticing each hint of flavor, enjoying all it has to offer and feeling the reward of the effort you put into finding it.

And that’s just a bottle of wine. Something that is simple, expendable, and replaceable.
Look at your life.
Think about your time.
Once the time has passed, you cannot have it back. The time is going to pass. You do not have control over it; all you have control over is yourself, your actions, and your choices.

So I say this:
Enjoy it.
Savor it.
Live it.

When your time runs out, you’ll be glad you did.

Mister Toastmaster.

Funny Story... for everyone but me

2008-09-09T23:47:00.001-04:00

So after trying to find ways to see this girl that I like for something like 5 weeks, I finally get the nerve to get her number.

The problem though, as it turns out, is that she is currently living with her girlfriend and is a lesbian.

Some guys have all the luck...

I did get her number though, for whatever it's worth.

Reality

2008-09-09T00:48:00.000-04:00

So, I'm starting to accept more and more the reality of my life and what I've been refusing to accept for a long time.

The main thing I've realized recently is that I've let my financial situation get out of control. Instead of taking control of it and making it what I want, I've passed off control as much as possible. I keep putting money into my 401k and Roth as well as my house fund, but I end up with more stock and the same total monetary value.

The theory is that eventually the market slump will pass and I'll be better off for buying into the bear market. But I could be doing more to meet my goals and then I'd be working towards something instead of just sitting in wait.

I should be putting money into a very stable holding place until I have the exact amount I need for a down payment that will get the mortgage payment for a 3/2 house to an affordable rate. Then I should be looking for houses on the market till I find the right motivated seller and get in for as low as possible. Then I should rent the extra rooms and start saving for an investment property.

On top of this, I should set up the website I have planned out but have yet to execute. Then I should be passing out business cards and driving up interest in some of the skills that I have that I could help people with part time for a fee. As the demand increases, I can increase the price I charge. That would expedite all my real estate plans as well as give me a vehicle to put a corporation over and start shifting some of my expenses to my business.

Eventually, the price for my time will get higher and I can start doing some business consulting because I'll have the experience needed, or I'll have enough money to purchase a franchise or other small business.

So knowing all of this, I'm still not going to change anything. After laying it all out like that, you're probably asking why? Well, that's why.

What you need as motivation is a why. I don't have a why. In my life, I have everything I need for me for now, but in order to move up the Maslow pyramid of happiness I'm missing something. I'm searching for someone who will understand me and my goals and want to work with me.

My mom always says that your significant other is your witness in life. The person who validates your existence, who cares about even the smallest details. The person who makes you significant.

That's what I want. That's what I need before I can really have the true motivation to execute my plans.

It's hard to find someone who understands though, who wants to be more than just an employee. Someone who wants to do the work to take control of their lives and be the best person they can be. Most people cop out easily with some manufactured excuse. They feed you lines about how rich people are evil or greedy.

Frankly, it's just stupid. I'm sure some of the rich are, but if you don't have money you can't magnify your efforts. I can do charity work or donate some money here and there now, but I have the potential to do so much more, everyone does if they're willing to put in the effort.

Anyway, I don't want to argue about it, I just want to find someone who sees the beauty in it and believes. I don't want to convince them, I want them to develop the same fire I have so we feed off of each other and work together, lifting each other up.

It's a tough find though, so each day I keep searching.

Tired

2008-09-03T12:53:00.001-04:00

Today I'm tired. Tired of trying to keep up with everything. There are so many outlets of advice as to what you should do that it is becoming impossible to determine what is right and what is not.

Who would have thought that a world of choice and opportunity would actually be a bad thing? It seems that way though, since there are too many conflicting viewpoints, and not enough universal truth. What criteria do you use to filter out options? What lifestyle choice is actually going to result in happiness?

My head is swimming, my body is exhausted and I'm just tired. I'm stuck sitting here for another 4 to 5 hours, dreaming of a better life, seeking anything to kill the boredom and finding too much to process.

Here is what I don't understand. Is it all really just about doing what will make you happy? Or are you suppose to help other people? Can you help other people if doing something to help them makes you unhappy? What if your happiness really is dependent on people around you? What if you naturally pick up on body language cues that betray deeper emotions people are feeling that they hide? Do you just learn to ignore it and just focus on getting what you want?

I don't know what is right and what is wrong anymore. I feel very lost. I keep trying, trying to be a good friend, trying to be a good worker, trying to be a good person, and trying gets me nowhere but farther lost.

Maybe I just need to start having faith - faith in myself and my ability, my instincts and my intuition to guide me in the right direction.

Today solace is only found in quotes from one of my favorite movies, "Thank you for smoking".
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0427944/quotes

Thoughts

2008-09-02T17:53:00.000-04:00

So I'm starting to accept more and more that I can only be who I am. You can't really pretend to be someone else in hopes that the world will embrace you. Most of the time, the world is just not going to like you regardless. The only thing you can do is be true to yourself, laugh in the face of the world's rebuke, and just do what you are going to do.

Something I ponder a lot is how the world is going to remember me. You read people's wikipedia articles and there are usually one to three main points that are emphasized that are basically the summary of that person's life. I've never wanted to be summarized that way, but I guess it's a fate that is inescapable. Again, all you can do is be yourself and the world will decide what it will remember you for.

The final point is that, while you can't decide how the world will receive you, you can be the world to someone. That's my focus now. Finding someone or someones that accept me for who I am, enjoy spending time with me, and want to be a part of my life. Those are the only people whose opinion of me really matters. It's so cliche, but sadly it's true. If people can't accept who you are, then there are plenty of other people.

Life if just a big numbers game.

I Give Up

2008-08-27T00:25:00.002-04:00

So I've decided that I give up. I'm always fighting this up hill battle, and frankly, I'm sick of it.

I keep trying to put together events or things to do in order to see my friends, but they never come and never even respond on most occasions. And I just end up alone, with nothing to do. Plus, I live with this "manpire" as I like to call him, since he is only awake during the night and hardly even comes out of his room. I moved in with him as to not live alone, but now I'm thinking I would have just been better off getting my own place.

So rather than keep trying again and again only to be disappointed, I'm just going to stop. Instead, I'm going to put the effort into finding people who I don't have to work to be friends with. People who actually have common interests with me and want to go out and do things.

I don't understand why this always seems to be so hard. It doesn't seem to be hard for other people, they're always posting pictures of themselves with their friends doing different fun activities.

Maybe everything will change after I interview for this second job tomorrow. I'm applying there because I already like and get along well with the people who work there, plus we have a common interest right off the bat. So maybe as they say, it's darkest right before dawn.

What Makes Someone an Expert?

2008-08-26T10:27:00.001-04:00

When you read advice from someone, or buy a product that they sell, what is the criteria that makes them worth listening to or spending money on?

I've read hundreds of articles, books and reports involved with personal finance, stock valuation, real estate valuation, and personal development. Yet, I still feel like the advice I can offer people isn't something I should charge them for. But, when will it be? What credentials would I need in order to be considered a "professional" who should be paid for their expertise?

Is it more about the marketing, how something is presented, rather than some innate value that they offer? If I wrote up a bio of myself that listed all the things I've done, would that validate my request for someone's money? Or is it all about how I sell it? If I come in confidently, like I know what I'm talking about, even in situations where I don't, does that make me worth taking your money just because you don't know enough to know better?

Or is it all about experience? If I come up to you and say that I've been learning about personal finance for 5 years, does that make me an expert? I feel like experience is all a crock, because I could read 1 article a month for 5 years and say the same thing as a person how reads 10 articles a day for 5 years and how would you really know the difference if all you go by is the duration?

I guess what it all comes down to is figuring out what I personally see as valuable credentials, obtaining them, and then changing my image of myself so that I do see myself as more of an expert. I guess it's also about taking action and doing something, because you become more of an expert by trying and failing than anything else.

I still feel like it's wrong to take someone's money unless you give them something of value enough to match what you charged. But I guess I just have a problem seeing the value I bring to other people.

Reaction

2008-08-14T12:42:00.002-04:00

Read this:
http://sivers.org/tim-ferriss

Stuff like this makes me hyper ventilate.

Why? Because he's right, and I know he's right. I've read so many books about how to run a business, how to live your life, how to do things in effective ways. And it's all right and it all gives me the same reaction. I feel excited, I feel like there is this wave pulsing through my veins, I feel alive.

And it bothers the hell out of me, because I can't use it in my life. I can, but I can't. Not how my life is now. But I don't know how to change.

I feel very trapped in my current job. I do bullshit work and waste most of my time and it eats away at me because it's so pathetic and I could be doing so much more. Not necessarily spending more time, but making a bigger difference. But instead I play this role of a kid who doesn't know anything because older people don't believe that younger people could know more or different but useful things than they do. It sucks.

My sister said to me at one point, "Everyone thinks they know everything when they get out of college and get into the working world." Maybe that is true, but everyone is not the same as me. Everyone doesn't read the books I read. Everyone doesn't naturally turn everything into a system. Everyone doesn't adapt and learn as fast as I do. I'm genetically built for this, I'm the Michael Phelps of systemization of businesses. That was what was the only thing that attracted me to Computer Science. I don't like to sit around and type out code, I like to figure out how to make something work in an efficient, creative, new way.

But I don't know how to change my life. I don't know who I need to talk to or where I need to go to actually have the chance to do it. I keep thinking about "As a Man Thinketh" or some book that I read that talked about people giving up everything looking for an opportunity when all along the opportunity was sitting right under their nose. So I keep trying to make this work, or see what I'm missing, but I can't do it all on my own.

So that's why I'm doing something very different. I'm picking up a part time job at Game Stop, which sounds ridiculous. But I'm doing it because of something I read on Steve Pavlina's blog. He said, start today earning any money at all doing something you love, and eventually you'll change the way you think so you see more and more opportunities to make money doing what you love. You just have to take that first step.

So I'm doing it. I'm going to work at this specific Game Stop because I love the environment there and the people that work there are great. So I'm taking the risk and I'm hoping it will start opening up the world of opportunity that I know is out there but I cannot seem to see.

Rejection and the Darkness

2008-08-12T00:48:00.001-04:00

I can feel it. I was scared of this and now I see it happening.

It starts with the internal mental battle. Something goes wrong and then you start coming up with reasons why it went wrong. Then you validate those reasons with examples of other things that have gone wrong. Soon, you're going through every element of your life, seeing only the problems and writing everyone in your support structure off as against you.

It's so hard to fight it.

I don't deal well with rejection. It makes me doubt myself. It makes me feel like an outsider. It makes me feel like I'm less important than everything else. I look at my job, I look at my friends, I look at how I always seem to be by myself and I wonder why am I where I am.

Am I doing something wrong?

Maybe I'm just not getting enough sleep. But then I try to sleep and I can't.

Ugh. All I want is to just be happy. To have a job I feel some kind of identification with. To have friends that call me and want to spend time with me. To live somewhere where I'm not by myself all the time. Why is that so difficult?

Do other people feel the same way, or is it just me?

Confidence

2008-08-11T15:34:00.002-04:00

Original Article

I think this is more about confidence and growth then anything else. RK from "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" fame talks about this as expanding your world. He uses the analogy of a glass with water pouring in, if too much is put in it overflows. If you increase the size of your glass, you can hold more water.

I think it's more about confidence. If you act like something is normal, other people will think it is normal. If I tell you I'll give you advice for $50/hr, and act like it's routine, you would probably pay it without a second thought (as long as you didn't know that I don't charge other people more or less). If you feel like I'm pulling a fast one on you, you're not going to oblige.

I ran into this situation with my Dad at one point. He was trying to decide what his rate should be now that he's retired. I said he should go high, but he shot low. So they said yes, and maybe long term it will get him more work, but I still think he could have shot high and spent the extra hours marketing himself to keep the demand up and he would have ended up making more money in less time with less overall effort.

The problem I run into in my own life is that I don't have enough confidence in myself. I keep doing stupid, menial tasks at work, much below the level I should be doing, so I end up lowering my confidence rather than raising it. Also, instead of getting better and better at one thing (or at least believing that I am), I switch between things and then feel like I've lost ground.

Maybe eventually I'll start a motivation/personal coaching service and bill myself out at an hourly rate. I keep telling myself that I have to be at a certain point with my own life before I do that though, because I don't want to feel like some kind of hypocrite.

Anyway, this is a good read at least, since we should all be working towards growth and having a greater and greater belief in our own personal value.

Not Alone

2008-08-08T16:18:00.002-04:00

Interesting that I run into different things at opportune times. I guess it's just that since it's what I'm thinking about, I'm more likely to see it when other times I would just pass over.

Check out this article though:
http://smartnow.com/page/5991

Fear

2008-08-08T11:21:00.000-04:00

So my life has been getting better at an exponential rate for the last few months. It's to the point now where it's hard to understand why I thought the way I did before. Which is really scaring me right now.

You're probably thinking, "Everything is getting better, what are you scared about?", right? Well, if you don't know why things happen, the tendency is to let it happen again. This is summed up in the quote "Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them."---George Santayana

So at this point I'm trying to figure out how I let myself get to that point. Clearly there were a lot of different factors at play.

Back then I was living at my parent's house, which was very constricting and my parents can be very negative people, so I could see how the environmental factors set the foundation. On top of that, I was driving their car, which they would constantly remind me, so I would feel guilty every time I went anywhere, which led to me being extremely confined and sitting at home all the time.

Further, I was still dating my ex at that point, and while we had an open relationship, which you wouldn't think was restricting, actually had a very negative impact on me. I feel like in a relationship you are either moving forward or you are moving backwards. At that point we were not moving forward, so the end result makes a lot of sense. It was really draining and frustrating to watch a relationship I had tried so hard to make work for five years fall apart. My social structure had eroded to pretty much her at that point as well, so it felt like everything in my life was decaying away from underneath me.

Along with all that, I had just switched jobs. I was use to hanging out at work with people I really liked and were very social. Now I had moved to a company where a majority of the people had nothing in common with me (different age, culture, interests), so that was very isolating. Plus it is the first real job I've had that uses my technical knowledge, but with no overlap with the experience I had learning it in college, so it was like starting all over from scratch.

So with all that against me, I can see why I had become so negative. I guess I shouldn't fear this coming winter, since so much has changed. I'm still cautious though, afraid that it could all melt away again. I guess I should believe that since I was able to come back from all that once, I should be able to do it again, but it's hard when you remember how you felt and how bad it really was. I never want to go back to that.

I'm very thankful for the support structure I have now. My friends are really great, it makes me happy to be associated with such quality people. Also, all the people at Toastmasters have really made me feel welcome and have given me the opportunity to use my gifts to help others, which is such a rewarding experience. And of course there is my family, while they can be judging and harsh at times, I know that at my lowest points, they will always be there for me.

Observation

2008-07-15T11:52:00.001-04:00

So I finally made an interesting observation today which explains why I'm so miserable all the time. I'm an ENFP surrounded by Ts.

I live in a dry, emotionless world of logic and procedure and it's slowly choking the life out of me. I'm upset all the time because I feel like no one cares, no one seems to be able to tell how I feel instinctively.

It's like the way I think and feel is different than everyone else I surround myself with, so I assume something is wrong with me.

That's why it's so hard to talk to girls now, because I feel like they can actually read how I'm feeling. I can't fool them as easily as I can fool everyone else.

That's why my mom was so upset when my grandma died. My grandma was her outlet in a house filled with Ts.

That's why I was so unhappy when I moved back home from college.

That's why breaking up with my ex was so devastating.

It's such a simple observation, and someone kept trying to tell me that over and over again and I totally didn't see it until now.

So hopefully now that I actually understand the problem I can start working on fixing it.

Thoughts on Art and Society

2008-06-19T12:53:00.002-04:00

It seems that what makes something truly remarkable, or a great work of art, is when it
accomplishes one of the following: when something, seemingly complex, is done in a
beautifully simplistic way; A commonly accepted or known way of doing things is challenged
by a completely radical idea; or when a body of work is used to indirectly cause the same
conclusion to be drawn by anyone who sees it.

The common theme between the people who have created works of art throughout history, that
have then gone on to alter its path going forward, is the straddling of the line between
genius and insanity. Like Tesla says in the Prestige, "Society only tolerates one change at
a time." This is because one level of thought different is considered genius and is rushed
to acceptance, but extrapolating further passes the breaking point of acceptance for society
as a whole, requiring at least a generational change before society can be bent again to
accept it. Too radical an acceptance of change would allow a chaos beyond acceptable for
growth, which would put at risk the evolutionary growth achieved so far. In other words,
universally, preservation is preferred over growth since it prevents the current progress
from being jeopardized.

Another definition I've come up with for art, is that art is the right brain's science.
Diametrically opposed, the two are really the same, just so many can only seem to understand
one or the other. At a deeper level, it seems that humanity is constantly struggling to
better understand the world it inhabits, and does so incrementally through the passage of
time. This understanding is then shared through a medium, which catches the next generation
up to the level that the previous understood, so it can than carry the torch farther in the
future. This medium is classified as art or science based on how it appeals to the mind,
but in reality is still accomplishing the same task.

Extrapolating this out further, a way of looking at this is to say that the environment we
exist in, including the other humans outside of the singular one we perceive through, is
what is commonly referred to as "God". Our lives are a constant struggle to make peace with
God by finding a way of living that quenches our desire for greater understanding through a
channel that appeals to what suits our particular vessel's understanding.

Maybe the reason the human brain is so complicated is that no one brain is exactly the same
as any other. The unique connections that form constantly alter our way of perceiving the
world from everyone else's, making our understandings infinitely different. Only the
simplest concepts that can cut to the core are seen as appealing because of their universal
ability to communicate, despite the radical differences.

Question

2008-06-14T01:30:00.004-04:00

I haven't posted in this blog in forever. I realize this. That's probably not going to change.

I've been going through a lot of stuff since my last post, and frankly, I don't really want to share it with the whole world. There have been good things, I bought a car and moved, but the bad stuff has been, well, bad.

One thing I do want some feedback on though is the following questions that I'm pondering:

Where is happiness found? Is it really living paycheck to paycheck to buy nice clothes and go out to bars and clubs to show them off? Paying out money on drinks to forget about what you do during the day and be free to do whatever you want at night? Is it more important to do what everyone else does so that you fit in, or to blaze your own trail doing what you think is right? Is there some middle ground that actually works, or once you compromise your principles have you lost everything?

Everyone else seems so happy with themselves and their lives. I'm always striving for more, pushing myself and those around me. I can't stop, it's just who I am, but people seem to reject me for it.

I don't understand why I seem to see things so differently from everyone else. Am I really that different or have I just separated myself?

I've tried to change who I am. I've tried to be like everyone else, but it just makes me miserable. Does anyone have any answers?

Holidays and Changing Times

2008-01-02T23:16:00.000-05:00

I've put my business goals on hold for the time being as I shift focus on to some important changes I need to make in 2008. I'm turning 24 this year and will need a car and a new place to live, and potentially a new job as well. So while I do the leg work behind these ventures, I'm going to do some entertainment features on this blog.

First up is the Game Trailers pick for Game of the Year. While I haven't actually player through their pick, their choices for which games were the best this year were dead on. I'll let you watch it for yourself, but these guys do a great job talking about all the best games of 2007.

Another Business Owner

2007-12-21T10:43:00.000-05:00

So after what seemed like a drought of ability to find business owners, I've met yet another one. This guy is a friend of a coworker of mines and he owns and runs his own landscaping business. Again, while this isn't necessarily a business that I want to get into, it was nice to talk about the different things he does and how his business has evolved over time.

Apparently he employs some guys from Mexico who come over on 10 month VISAs and then they are away during the winter months when business is slow. This has allowed him to pick and choose the different stuff he wants to do when it comes to the actual work on someone's yard and frees him up to do more common business accounting and marketing tasks.

It's been very motivating to talk to a couple of people who own and run their own business. While my previous attempts have been unsuccessful (mainly because I keep giving up), it restores some optimism about building a business and a steady flow of income when you see how other people have been successful. The thing I seem to be lacking that these others have is the motivation that pushes you to keep going when things get tough. If these guys fail (at least two out of three), they don't eat or can't pay their bills. So they have to keep going, they can't pick and choose or switch to something else.

On a side note, today is the first day I really take a step in implementing the Little Book that Beats the Market's approach to value investing. I sold off two of my stocks a couple of days ago before the year mark since they had lost money. Today I sold off my winners that are now long term gains, and I purchased four stocks to replace them. I also took a gamble at some GE stock since they are favored well in the upcoming energy crisis and need to switch over to alternative power sources.

After a couple of weeks you get a good idea about how the stocks performance will range for the year, so I'm hoping that the picks I made from the screened list will be good ones. I tried to base it off of my knowledge of the state of different industries as well as how much upside potential a company has. So we'll see how it goes.

Business Owners

2007-12-20T11:41:00.000-05:00

In the past couple of days I've run into a few business owners. What's ironic about this, is that just a few days before this I was complaining to someone that it's hard to find these elusive individuals. Apparently, I was wrong.

The first one I met at Toastmasters. The guy runs a heat pump/air conditioning repair company. While not the kind of business I would probably be good at, just talking to him about how he started his business and how it has evolved was inspiring and educating. Apparently, years back, he was out of work and running out of money with a wife and three kids to feed. So he had to do something and he had to do it fast. He told me that he didn't like fixing heat pumps for apartments and preferred individual residential houses, but when he started out he needed an income fast, so he did whatever work he could find. He always gives his clients a 10% discount of the cost of any work he does, and has built up a client el from word of mouth and the basic advertising he does on the truck he drives. While I didn't ask how much money he makes each year, he said that he has enough business now that he only does private homes and not apartment buildings anymore.

I guess the lesson to learn is that you just need to keep plugging away, working on doing a good job and building a reputation. With a good enough reputation, the word of mouth advertising, which is increasingly becoming the only form people trust, will grow your business. Also, you shouldn't be worried about competition, since by doing a good job and making a name for yourself, there will be enough people willing to pay for quality work to keep you happy.

The second one turned out to be a coworker of mine. Apparently he created a small software client, a web service that it sends messages to, and a website where people can sign up for the software and service. It all seems simply now that he has it in place, and there are lots of ways for him to expand his services. The wider benefit from it, other than the added income, is that putting in the time and effort to make the business has taught him new skills and kept him sharp in different areas. I'm not sure how much money it pulls in, but an automated, subscription based service seems like a perpetual money making machine after the upfront cost and effort.

I guess the lesson to learn is to keep practicing to keep your skills up, but find a way to do it that benefits you outside of just your job. With a little bit of foresight and the willingness to put the time and effort into learning new things and making something that could be useful, not only do you gain confidence but you can gain comfort as well.

I'm glad to meet more and more entrepreneurs because it challenges me to keep going. Also, they are very open and encouraging, willing to offer up advice about what they did or what to avoid doing.

Toastmaster's Club

2007-12-18T15:48:00.000-05:00

I attended my first Toastmaster's Club meeting yesterday. I had been on the fence of whether to go or not, and I even blew it off two weeks ago, but this week I decided to go. It's not too far from where I work, so I opted to just stay late and then head on over.

The club is built like almost all the clubs I've ever been to before. You basically have some people who have been there for a long time who are the club leaders, then you have tiers below that. Each person is assigned a mentor to help guide them to becoming better and better. If you join, you get a packet with information about the elements that make up a good speech, how to frame your speech, how to incorporate your body movements and make eye contact with the audience. Also, there are apparently different packet levels and types for specific skills or development paths.

The meeting itself is run by a member who is deemed the meeting leader for that session. They are in charge of keeping the meeting moving, introducing speakers, and doing all the transition work between the coordinated events. Also, they develop the schedule and coordinate who will speak. There are three main sections, the planned speeches, the table topics (improvisational speeches) and then evaluations. In between there is some club news and then it concludes with an evaluation of the meeting itself. As a person goes up to speek, they shake hands with the person already there in an effort to make sure that the focal point is never left empty.

For the planned speeches, there is a timer, an ah/uh counter and the vote collector. Each person there will rate the speaker compared to the other ones in that group and a winner is determined at the end of the meeting. The speeches are given by people at different levels who are primarily focused on specific parts of a presentation. The goal is to talk from 5-7 minutes, there is a stop light device that goes on when you hit the 5, 6 and 7 minute marks.

Anyone can volunteer for the Table Topics portion. The goal is to talk from 1-2 minutes, with the lights going on at the 1, 1.5 and 2 minute marks. Since I wanted to give it a shot, I volunteered for the first topic. I improvised on the spot and talked for a minute and sixteen seconds about the topic of what is something you do every year at this time that you can only do during the winter.

The final big section, evaluations, are focused on the planned speeches. The evaluators are actually giving speeches about the speeches they evaluated and what was good and bad about them. After they finish, the group votes on who was the best evaluator as well. I don't think there is a time limit for the evaluations. The idea of the evaluation is to talk about what the person did well and then a few areas that they could improve, but the group is mainly focused on positive support and encouragement, esp since it is entirely volunteer based. Each individual can write up a little evaluation of the people who spoke during the meeting and give it to them afterward.

In the end, they give out the ribbons for best planned speech, table topic and evaluator. I got the ribbon for best Table Topics for my speech, so that was encouraging.

Overall it seems like a great way to get some practice speaking in public. There is a quote that goes something like, "I'd rather die than speak in public", so clearly there is a lot of trepidation about it. Toastmasters seems like a great place, with a lot of good structure and foundation to move past any fears as well as learn a new skill that can be useful in your career. Worst case you become more comfortable organizing your thoughts and discussing a topic and you gain confidence from knowing you can do something that others may shy away from.

Enchanted (Review)

2007-12-17T15:20:00.000-05:00

There was one critical thing I forgot after reading reviews and deciding to see this movie. It's a Disney movie. That of course means that there are going to be certain characteristics and predictable patterns as mandated by the brand. Mainly, there is going to be some predictable happily ever after ending that is usually slightly askew from the conclusion you are setup to expect at the beginning. This movie did not fail to disappoint in that respect.

The big draw for me to see this movie was that it took the normal fairy tale and slapped it into the real world. You have a girl in a big princess dress wandering around New York and her prince trying to find her, stabbing buses and singing in the middle of a park. The problem though, is that they kept the fairy tale events in the real world. At one point, the princess sings in the park and some perfectly choreographed dance breaks out and goes on for something like 10 minutes. These kind of things just don't happen, I don't care if you're some magical princess, you're not going to have influence over everyone in this manner. People who never sing or dance aren't going to break out into perfect rhythm and synchronous movements on a spur.

Another thing that just didn't make sense was that the princess would sew together a new dress for herself every day out of the drapes or the carpet or whatever was lying around. While somewhat amusing, where did she get all the equipment she would need to do this in the allotted 5 minutes it seems to take her? Also, at one point she and a few animal friends clean up this guy's apartment, aiding by a helpful working song. But the lyrics of the song include common household devices, like a toilet or a toaster, that the princess should have no knowledge of, since they don't exist in the fairytale world.

Alright, if I let all of that go, overall the movie was pretty entertaining and held my interest. At some points I actually laughed out loud in the theater. There was just something about the situations and the wordings chosen that were weaved together brilliantly. While the Disney brand mainly appeals to kids, they do have a lot of talent putting these films together.

If you have kids (esp a little girl), or you're looking for something to see on a date, you won't be disappointed. Just go in knowing what to expect.

Slack Effect ( Mass Effect Review )

2007-12-14T10:00:00.000-05:00

So I beat Mass Effect on Wednesday. And then I beat it again on Thursday. There are two ending choices in the last 5 minutes of the game, so I figured I'd try them both out.

I imagine that's one of the main reasons I've been slacking recently. It's a very entertaining and engrossing game, so it seems to suck in your attention and hold it until you've completed it. I figure, since I spent so much time playing it, I might as well write out a review of my opinion of it.

I started out very slow. I think after Halo 3 and some other first person shooter games, the direction each stick moves you in seemed awkward or wrong from what I was familiar with. Once I got through that and started to be familiar with what each button does in each situation, things got a lot better and my progress really picked up.

Even before any of that though, is the fun of the character creation menu. There are some restraints, like hair type, so you can't necessarily get a perfect representation of you. Also, when you are trying to determine if you have the cheek bones correct you have to move the view from side to side so that you can see how you look from those in between angles, and that can be somewhat of a hassle. Another problem is that if you go by just the head alone, nothing is going to seem correct. You have to either upscale or downscale the ratio of the size of your features to match the body below, or everything will just look off. In the end, I actually ended up making the character look more like a likeness of my brother instead of me. Turns out that was a good move because I don't think it would have been good to watch myself (or a very close look alike) do some of the things I did in the game. Which takes me to the fun part.

The game gives you an enormous amount of choice options. I had decided to be evil on my first play through. There is a difference between evil and jerk though. Jerk usually just means not doing a side quest or just giving some curt answer that makes you sound like a rogue. The only real evil choices are when you use intimidation to get what you want versus the standard option or the charm option. That was a little disappointing.

The only other evil situations are when you choose to kill someone instead of letting them go. The first time I did this was by accident. I thought I was going to tell the guy that he had to stick around and help me. What the option, "I can't let you go" really meant was that the guy would be on the floor in a bloody heap in about 3 seconds. In the long run it was no big loss.

The variety of choices leaves you thinking that you missed something every so often, esp in high pressure situations where you are just taking your best guess. While I didn't do each of these situations more than once, there are enough non-high pressure situations where you can repeat the dialog that it makes me think that either choice will pretty much end at the same or very similar conclusions. So just have fun with it and don't worry about your selections too much.

The game offers the whole galaxy to explore. Usually this boils down to going to a star cluster and then selecting one of the available solar systems. Then you survey the available planets, check for lose asteroids and survey them and then land on the one planet available to land on and explore it. The exploration is done in a warthog like machine, also similar to an all terrain tank, called a Mako in the game. The Mako gets old after a while, esp when you're going up mountain after mountain to survey some mineral just like you did on the previous planet. I discovered way too late how valuable the map was in these planet exploration pieces, so don't make the same mistake. It would have been much more helpful if they had added rockets to the back of the Mako to make it move faster, rather than the rockets that propel it off the ground. Regardless, it gets the job done and there aren't so many situations that it just gets tedious to do these parts. Each time you're doing a side quest, the purpose of the mission is at least entertaining enough to make it worthwhile.

The powers and equipment for the game took a little while to get the hang of, but worked well enough. Some of the powers I found to be pretty useless since usually the fighting segments broke down into a similar pattern. I usually used the barrier power and then went at the bad guys guns blazing, using the shield boost when I took too much damage, marksman to prevent my gun from overheating and adrenaline boost to make sure I could repeat the cycle if I needed to. That was pretty much all I ever needed with some med gel used in emergency situations. The warp and throw powers were pretty annoying to deal with when the enemy uses them on you, but I didn't care enough to make them useful for me. I did enjoy that there was no magic meter or limit on how many times you use your powers. There is a cool down period you have to wait out, but again, the adrenaline boost power usually takes care of that.

The final thing to note was the "romantic interest" side quest. I was going to pursue the blue girl (asari) at first, but once she said that there idea of reproduction was some kind of mind meld thing, I was turned off. In the end I just went after the human girl. She wasn't very exciting and seems to be a bigot in this new alien populated universe, but I was patient and fed here what she wanted to hear. I feel like I should have gotten evil points for saying some of the crap I did since it was so obviously just to get her to sleep with me. In the end, my charming wit won out. The game gives you more of a reward than I was expecting, but this is obviously just a game, so don't expect too much.

Overall, it was a great game and definitely worth playing. I'll probably give it a rest and watch some siblings play through it, but there are enough options for you to want to play through it multiple times. Like any video game, there are some tedious parts that seems to repeat over and over, but they usually only deal with side quests, so you're free to skip them or stop them when you grow tired of it. Definitely worth at least a rental, if not a buy.

Honest

2007-12-11T14:50:00.000-05:00

So I'm gonna be honest. I've been really slacking with my business ever since I read that article talking about how all these people are doing it better then me. I probably would still be more enthusiastic about it now, but I haven't had any luck reaching my latest investor. The prospect of paying $20 a week in parking and trying to get up to a farther away county every Friday just to get 5-10 leads isn't very inviting either. At this point I think I just need to regroup and find a better approach.

The best idea for now would probably be to attend some REI meetings, not as a "Jobber" trying to find investors to work with, but just as someone who wants to learn more about the industry. I think just taking some time to do market research and learn about the purchasing process while I look for my own house would be extremely helpful. Not only would it save me money but after going through it, I'll have experience to look back on and compare with, rather than just playing with the ideas I've read in various books.

Also, I might be able to just volunteer to work with an investor on the weekends who is already doing these deals. That way I see what they do and get some advice, since usually having a mentor to learn from is a great shortcut and extremely valuable. I've noticed that at my day job, whenever I work with a more experienced member of the staff I pick up different tips and tricks that save me time in the future. Plus, by working with an investor, I can get a better idea of the information they want and where they would go to get it.

So for now I'll keep working on trying to find a car, building up my stock portfolio and putting money into my house fund. While I do that, I can start attending REI meetings and see how things go from there. Also, I'm planning on going to a Toastmaster's club meeting this Monday, so we'll see how that goes as well.

Update of Financial Plans

2007-12-06T16:38:00.000-05:00

So I've finally reached the point where I've "primed the pipe" when it comes to my stock portfolio.

If you've read what I've written previously, you know that I'm following the advice of The Little Book that Beats the Market in how I screen my stocks and when I buy and sell. Basically, it screens on two filters, the overall price/earnings ratio of the stock and the ROA the company gets. Each month I've been buying a couple of stocks off of the report it creates and now a full year has gone by. This is significant because owning a stock for 1 year qualifies it as a long term investment so I will have to pay the lower long term capital gains rate on the profits instead of short term capital gains.

One thing I did not do correctly based off of the books suggestions, is that I bought stocks every month this year. Instead I should have determined the total amount I wanted to invest and then put a percentage of it in every couple of months for 3 years. Since the formula is suppose to average a >=20% ROI each year over the course of a three year period, unless I continue to add to my portfolio for the next two years, I will be very heavily front loaded. If this was the market highpoint of the three years, I will have bought less for more.

Regardless, I am excited to have finished building my portfolio base. While I will most likely continue to add to my portfolio, having set this future fund up, it gives me more security. I'm planning on doing some rebalancing of where I move my money, esp since I am planning some large purchases for the next year ( a car and a house). I will most likely stop funding my separate Roth IRA and move to my company's Roth 401k program.

Another reason I'm very encouraged by this, is that now that I have a security base, I can move into a little more concentrated and riskier investment. After consulting various sources for information over the last year and a half, I've determined one source that seems to have excellent stock filters and a very broad market view. I think I'm going to build up a risky investment fund and direct the resources towards their recommendations to test what kind of results they can produce. So that will be a side project for the year to come.

Also, I've been reading Having it All. The descriptions it has about how the mind and body work have been very interesting. Some of the ideas about each person's personal beliefs shaping their reality corresponds to what is discussed in The Greatest Salesman in the World and Rich Dad, Poor Dad. It seems the part of the book I'm at now is moving in the same direction as The Pathfinder right where I am on hold. They start discussing how to figure out what your dream life would be like and how to move towards it through goal setting, positive affirmations, and directing your subconscious through positive speak and such. While this is all good stuff, I've actually come to peace with where I am for the time being. While I plan on changing things in the next year, I have established the goals I want to reach and for now I'm trying to live in the present and enjoy the situation instead of ratcheting up more and more expectations on myself. So while the advice will be helpful in the future, I'm putting it on hold until I really want to focus on it.

Things have also picked up at work. I've moved away from doing testing and bug fixing (finally) and am back to doing some development work. This is actually the main part of the job that I enjoy, so I'm trying to learn from the people I'm working with and develop a real skill that I can rely on in the future. That way, no matter how things turn out I'll have the safety net of knowing I have a desirable skill that people will be willing to hire me for.

Courthouse Update

2007-11-30T17:00:00.000-05:00

So I pulled myself out of bed early today and headed to the distant county to pick up some leads. I found a closer parking garage, but it turned out to be for a hospital next door, so the price ended up being higher than the $12 normal. I did manage to snag about 10 leads or so for the zip code my investor wanted me to look in. The housing may be below his normal price range, so we'll see how he responds. The other issue is that I couldn't find the court dates, only the dates the information was filed, so I don't know how happy he'll be about that.

I've been really frustrated recently. I feel like I've put a lot of time and effort into learning about business, stocks, real estate and various other fields. But then when I actually try to put my knowledge into practice I get nowhere. I can't tell if I'm just young and ignorant, if I'm not trying hard enough, if I'm working in the wrong direction or whatever else could be the problem.

I'd like to find a mentor of some kind to steer me in the right direction. I don't know anyone who is successful in all of those fields though, so it seems the only compass point I have is the information I read. The problem though, is that most of the stuff seems theoretical or introductory, so it doesn't help me to determine what I'm doing wrong in my specific situation, only more of an overall outlook or philosophy. I guess that's where the lack of experience comes in, I make mistakes because I don't know and haven't done things before, so I have no way of telling if what I'm doing is correct or not.

After reading Made to Stick, I feel like I run into a lot of situations where I want to get information or learn from someone, but the "curse of knowledge" stands in the way. They know what they're talking about but can't articulate it to me in ways that I can understand. So it seems all I can keep doing is plugging along.

The other thing I've been thinking about is at what point do I reach that big goal. It's like people say about making the first million is the hardest and once you've reached that point it's all downhill. I don't know if it's still the first million now or not, but if I just go by salary it's going to be a long way off before I reach that point. I'm hoping that all my efforts to move my money into less taxable but still profit making vehicles will start to pay large dividends in the future.

I guess I just put too many expectations on myself. A lot of people my age have much less than I do and very little goals or direction. I've only been working for almost two years and I basically started with zero. Most people my age probably have student loans and car payments that eat away at their earning potential, so I should be gratefully that I'm already in the position I'm in, instead of impatient at not being farther.

Regardless, I hope everyone has a good weekend as we slide into the final month of 2007.

Busy Busy

2007-11-29T16:10:00.000-05:00

I haven't been posting much because things are shifting and picking up at work. Also, I'm trying to add some activities so I get more done, develop new skills and start working towards the future I want. Plus, I'd like to have more actual experience to write about because I feel it brings more value.

Currently, the biggest thing going on is that I'm coaching a basketball team. It's an all boy 5-6th grader team. It's a little unstructured but I enjoy coaching and seeing the changes in the players throughout the season. Our first game is coming up next Friday so I'm hoping that what we've done in the practices will make an impact on their play.

I started reading Having it All since I couldn't find anything at the bookstore and I happened upon it after reading a review of it on GeniusTypes (link). I'm not too far in yet, but I've seen a lot of the "big perspectives" promoted so far in other books. The most noticeable was the goal visualization, which is practically word for word from The Science of Getting Rich. The idea of the formless intelligence is also pretty much word for word. So we'll see if he comes up with anything original. Worst case scenario, he seems to include enough stores of his life that I might be able to learn from or get some better perspective.

On Monday I'm going to try and go to a meeting of the local Toastmaster's club. I don't really have a problem with public speaking, but I figure getting some practice might lead to more opportunities to use my skills, and being able to discuss your ideas in a large crowd is always a positive. The larger the crowd you can speak to, the more you are worth in the speaking world.

Before I picked up Having it All, I finished reading Made to Stick. I highly recommend this book. It helps to illustrate what really matters to another person when you are trying to get a message across. The idea they talk about that I really loved was "The Curse of Knowledge", essentially the idea that once you know something it's hard to imagine not knowing it, which makes it hard to teach someone else. The way they described it as moving from small, concrete examples to more abstract concepts, felt dead on to me.

I'm going to try to make a courthouse run tomorrow. Hopefully there will be some new listings in the right zip code and I'll have something to send out to my client. I want to get some feedback from him because that would help me get an idea of where I stand and if the information I'm obtaining and providing is valuable. So we'll see how that goes tomorrow.