Cage

I've built a cage around myself. From the outside it looks like a comfortable place, nice place to live, quiet workplace, weekly routine of things to do. Still a cage.

There is this idea that I and I'm sure many others subscribe to in our everyday lives. You commit to a routine, convincing yourself that you're progressing. Each day earns some more money and you're building to this day when you can finally be free. You can turn in your 9-5 for that peaceful, happy retirement that you've earned through sacrifice of all the best years of your life. There are just enough small victories along the way to keep a person appeased into continuing to live quietly.

I feel it's all an illusion. The society we've built up around ourselves along with the ideas that keep it going are really just a house of cards keeping the truth out. There are many people on the other side, shouting to us to come outside, but its so hard. Once you get into the routine, you've set a standard. How can you not work to keep it? Why would you want to lose now for the hope of an uncertain future regardless of the potential benefits?

Why? Because it's the truth. Outside of our cages is the lifestyle people were suppose to live. Maybe it doesn't include as much modern luxury but it does include what we desire at our core. Meaning.

We all desire to matter. To be something great. To make a difference.

I know for myself that I am not making that difference in my cage. I'm the hamster running on the wheel. I desire to do something that matters but that is not what is asked of me in the cage. Just keep spinning, don't disrupt the flow. That is what is asked of me.

But there is no reprieve. All that exists is wrestling with the fear that keeps you where you are until, hopefully, one day you break through. I just hope I have what it takes to make it to that point.

Question

I haven't posted in this blog in forever. I realize this. That's probably not going to change.

I've been going through a lot of stuff since my last post, and frankly, I don't really want to share it with the whole world. There have been good things, I bought a car and moved, but the bad stuff has been, well, bad.

One thing I do want some feedback on though is the following questions that I'm pondering:

Where is happiness found? Is it really living paycheck to paycheck to buy nice clothes and go out to bars and clubs to show them off? Paying out money on drinks to forget about what you do during the day and be free to do whatever you want at night? Is it more important to do what everyone else does so that you fit in, or to blaze your own trail doing what you think is right? Is there some middle ground that actually works, or once you compromise your principles have you lost everything?

Everyone else seems so happy with themselves and their lives. I'm always striving for more, pushing myself and those around me. I can't stop, it's just who I am, but people seem to reject me for it.

I don't understand why I seem to see things so differently from everyone else. Am I really that different or have I just separated myself?

I've tried to change who I am. I've tried to be like everyone else, but it just makes me miserable. Does anyone have any answers?