Moving to the City

I've decided to make some shifts in my life. The major one I'm working on is moving to the city.

Packing is always an interesting experience. Only by physically going through all your stuff and attempting to figure out how to transport it from location to location do you realize its real value. Some things you gladly find ways to transport. Others you realize are just slow accumulations of things you don't want to invest the time into dealing with.

While moving can be stressful and require a large amount of invested time and effort, I feel like it would be in people's best interest to move every two years. If you have a house and mortgage, maybe you shouldn't actually move but instead still pack up and then unpack all of your stuff.

This sounds absurd I'm sure. It takes a lot of time to move all the stuff around and when you unpacked it the first time you put mental energy into determining where and how you wanted it. The thing though, is over time it is easy to get stuck in a rut. If everything is always done the same, how can you really expect anything to change in your life?

Maybe you're happy with your life and don't want it to change. That's fine. But if you aren't happy, breaking up the routine and changing things around can potentially give you that boost to making life better.

Change can be difficult and often reverts back to old ways. Sometimes though, you can trigger a difference that makes all the effort worth it.

Life Area Effects

I've been noticing lately the combined effects of areas of my life. Say you break an individual down into the following areas:
Physical Health, Employment (Work / Job / Contribution), Financial, Relationships
Each of these elements contributes to some degree to their overall happiness level. Having a strong foundation and support structure in one area will help make up for deficiencies in others. As things change, it could topple over existing structures.

I wish I had a better grasp of this concept. Right now my work life has gone up and down, sometimes adding positive support, other times dropping the floor out from under me. My living situation is in flux as I prepare for a big move, so that has caused some stress. I've developed some good relationships that are adding to my life and providing some solid support.

It's hard to quantify and qualify all these influences and come up with any kind of model for actually objectifying how they impact my life. In order to do that I would need to spend some time clarifying the parameters and logging enough information to start creating definitions and logging real conclusions.

My current goal is to put together a program around this kind of foundation. I'm going to take my business coaching company and turn it into a life coaching company. I'll work with individuals to lay out specific life improvement goals and then design steps they take towards them as well as ways to measure them and record the results.

This is all in a very soft, formative stage at this point, but my interest has been in this kind of thing for a while. I feel like I have a clearer idea of what I want to accomplish with this approach than I had with the business coaching, so making this switch will be a step in the right direction. It's going to take a lot of time and focus though, so I've got a lot of things to take care of first.

I'll try to continue to update the process.

Winds of Change

I'm getting this feeling today. I have no scientific evidence to prove that it means anything. All I know is that I feel like a wave is building on the horizon, gaining strength and speed as it moves closer. A wave of change.

I posted previously about looking to find a new job. I've poked and prodded here and there with little result so far. I don't know if that will be the change or something else. I feel almost like a restlessness, like a tired patron watching the end of an act of a play before the curtain followed by the start of a new scene.

Tomorrow I embark on a trip to the Midwest. I'm capitalizing on the opportunity by stopping in Las Vegas for a few days on the way back. I feel like it's the intermission during the scene change and when I get back, the shift will occur.

Again, I don't know what this really means. Maybe nothing will come of it. But at the same time I trust my gut.

How to Deal with Uncertainty

A little background information first. Recently I've been feeling good and thinking a lot clearer. I'm not sure the exact cause of this, my current theory is that by switching to sleeping on my stomach instead of my back is preventing me from rolling around in my sleep, so I actually get more REM sleep and my body is actually healing and recovering.

So, having this new found energy, I've been putting a lot of thought into my life and how to improve my current situation. For the past year or so, I've been thrashing around between ideas, not really knowing what direction I want to take or what I really want to do. This is partially because even though I have an idea of where I want to go, I have no idea what steps to take to actually get there. I keep trying things, but not with any consistency or effort to actually get anywhere.

Along this line, a recent post on Steve Pavlina's blog talks about the 'Abuse of Power' and how a person can end up in a self-defeating cycle that imprisons them rather than enabling them (http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2009/05/abuse-of-power/). This is precisely what I had been doing by constantly answering the question, "What do I want to do with my life?" with "I don't know". The reality is that I do know. I want to work in a situation like Toastmasters, where there is a structured program for growth with clear steps and milestones of achievement. I want to take what I learn and then mentor others who want to learn those skills. I want to become a leader and take on larger challenges.

At my current job, I have begun to do this in some ways. I'm doing business analysis work on a health care system in CNMI. I'm running the QA and Testing effort for the DJS. I created a new structure for how documentation should be stored and used internally so that it can be shared and used as an asset. Unfortunately, I have no interest in electronic health records or Mental Health and Substance Abuse treatment. Therefore, I'm currently focusing my efforts on finding quality companies that work in sectors that I am interested in, such as Green Technology and Military Defense.

What this all comes back to is goals. It is easy to start drifting through life when you have too much uncertainty about what you want. The problem with this is that no one is going to come into your life and tell you what you want. The only way to figure it out is to cut down the options to a manageable number and then make the effort to start trying them. Pick one thing, put your best effort out to making it happen. If you don't like it, you cross it off the list and move onto the next thing.

Trust me, I know I make it sound easy but is actually really hard to do. No one likes failing, no one likes rejection. As much as they hurt, they are less painful than the feeling of regret of seeing time go by and having nothing to show for it. Nothing is as disheartening as the feeling of drifting, uncertain what to do.

One of the member of my Toastmasters club just won the International Speech Competition at the District level. His speech centered around one key point that is important for everyone. To be a leader, to accomplish your goals, to be respected and create value, you need to start with three words.

I am responsible.

Strange Twist

So after acting like I don't exist for a few weeks, my employer has thrown a strange twist at me. They want me to fly out to Idaho to do some training. But before I get into that, there is a reason this is so odd.

On Monday I went for a run so I could think about my future and what I want now that I know I'm not going to Austin. I ran through some scenarios in my head and there was only one that really felt like it resonated. I need to quit my job.

After a little more thought, I realized that it all lines up just right. I can quit on May 29th, which is the two year anniversary of when I started working here. That gives me a month to make arrangements and make sure I'm not jumping into a big pile of nothing or some fleeting hopes and dreams of magic success.

My idea is to switch to doing consulting work on a case by case basis. That way instead of having my employer be my only customer, I can start to diversify and build a bigger base of skills and contacts. If I build my income back up to the current level in that model, there is still a growing potential for more income sources and areas to test out. Also, there is more risk but more control since the more time and effort I put into it, the more I should get back out.

Following this line of thought, I'd have to give my two week notice on May 15. Interestingly enough, now they want me to fly out on May 19-21.

So I'm a little torn. At this point this is all still a work in progress. Most of the advice I've gotten since I came up with the idea has been to not jump into something unless I have a plan. I have two weeks to put something together, so I'm going to see what I can do. The Toastmasters conference is this weekend so I figure that and Craig's List will be my best bets for starting to build up a network of clients.

So, here goes nothing.

Plan B

I've spent the last 3 months working on an application to a business school in Austin, Texas. As I've mentioned in the past, my goal is start my own business, and I've attempted this several times now. This school is built around accelerating students through the learning curve so that they have all the tools they need to do just that. Unfortunately, I was rejected.

So the question is, now what?

Before I answer that, what really bothers me about this is something that happened that made me apply to the school. I was reading their website after hearing about it from my brother and I got this feeling. It was more than a gut feeling, it felt like it came right from my bones. Like everything that makes me who I am was pulling me toward this school. It just felt so absolutely right. So to get that feeling, put all the work in to apply to the school and then get rejected is soul crushing.

So now what? Now I figure out what Plan B is and do that. The nice thing about this process is that it has helped me identify the areas in my life that must change and the strong areas that I don't want to change. So I have to start cutting out the bad and building on the good. Even though I won't be doing what I so desperately wanted to, at least I know what needs to be done. I think it's false to pretend like rejection is really something good, I mostly think people are just lying to themselves when they say that. I am going to try and get at least something from it to help soften the impact of the blow.

Cage

I've built a cage around myself. From the outside it looks like a comfortable place, nice place to live, quiet workplace, weekly routine of things to do. Still a cage.

There is this idea that I and I'm sure many others subscribe to in our everyday lives. You commit to a routine, convincing yourself that you're progressing. Each day earns some more money and you're building to this day when you can finally be free. You can turn in your 9-5 for that peaceful, happy retirement that you've earned through sacrifice of all the best years of your life. There are just enough small victories along the way to keep a person appeased into continuing to live quietly.

I feel it's all an illusion. The society we've built up around ourselves along with the ideas that keep it going are really just a house of cards keeping the truth out. There are many people on the other side, shouting to us to come outside, but its so hard. Once you get into the routine, you've set a standard. How can you not work to keep it? Why would you want to lose now for the hope of an uncertain future regardless of the potential benefits?

Why? Because it's the truth. Outside of our cages is the lifestyle people were suppose to live. Maybe it doesn't include as much modern luxury but it does include what we desire at our core. Meaning.

We all desire to matter. To be something great. To make a difference.

I know for myself that I am not making that difference in my cage. I'm the hamster running on the wheel. I desire to do something that matters but that is not what is asked of me in the cage. Just keep spinning, don't disrupt the flow. That is what is asked of me.

But there is no reprieve. All that exists is wrestling with the fear that keeps you where you are until, hopefully, one day you break through. I just hope I have what it takes to make it to that point.

Perspective

I think I'm starting to get a better understanding of how people see me. This is mainly because of the people who are doing to me what I must do to other people.

Let me take a second to explain. When people send me emails, I respond usually within the hour if not immediately. When people call me, even if they don't leave a message, I call them back, usually right when I see the missed call.

Recently I've met some people who respond constantly with no delay to any message they are sent. It's nice at first, but then after a while you start running out of stuff to say back. They're all about results, results, results. I don't have any results for some of the stuff I'm working on. It's because I'm afraid and don't put the effort into it that I should. I know this, I hate this, but it's extremely hard to force yourself to act on something, even when you don't have anything else to do.

So clearly I do this same thing to other people. They're doing what they want and moving at their own pace and enjoying it and I keep making demands of them to do more or do what I think they should. That must be really annoying.

Knowing this, I'm not sure what is a good solution. Most people seem to be able to generate stuff to do when they are bored. Maybe my lack of focus on detail is what saves me time but then kills me later because of the lack of recall. Also, my jumping from thing to thing leads to a large amount of projects left uncompleted or pending. I never seem to make the time to accomplish big things.

Ironically enough, the big things that I have accomplished and taken the time to do right are the ones I usually end up happy about. An example is my car. I took a long time searching around to determine all the criteria that mattered to me. Then I tried out a lot of cars and finally had put together all the info I needed to make a decision. To this day I'm extremely happy with and excited about my car.

I think the reason I have a problem at work is because of my location. Being in the middle of an open cubicle room, I feel like people can always see what I'm doing. This makes me think I have to always have the appearance that I'm working or busy, even when I'm not. Even when I am working, I feel like any distraction pulls my focus away even when wearing headphones. So I have a situation where I'm setting myself up for failure.

Having these thoughts is always a dual edged sword. It's like now you know what the problem is, but most of the time the solution seems out of my control. So you end up just stewing in the problem.

Long Journey

So, after a long year, I think I'm finally back to about where I was a year ago. What I mean really, is that I'm ready to start my own business again. But I'm going to do it a little differently this time.

Last time, my idea was to do the Rich Dad approach, which basically says that it doesn't matter what business you start, just go do it. The only problem though, is if you start a business and you don't care about it, then you're not going to get very far. So that line of thinking had me deliberating for about a year about what kind of business I actually want to start. What is something that I actually care about and want to do.

I finally figured it out. I'm going to start a business doing business consulting. What this essentially means is that I'm going to find small businesses that are already operational and go in and help them to become more profitable or grow. I'm building my own model for how to do this based off of a mixture of the plethora of sources I've read that suggest different ideas. I'm going to add in my knowledge of the new technology that is available and help these small shops in this dark economic time.

Finally I feel like I have all the tools I need, the initiative and the plan as well as the confidence. There are a lot of other little tricks and details that I'm not going to elaborate on because they are my clever innovations that I don't want people to take and run with. The point though is that finally I have a solid goal again, something I can break into steps and start working towards.

It's been way too long :)

Context Change

So I'm out in Idaho for work this week training various groups of providers on how to use our software. Just being out in the West is completely different from the normal East Coast atmosphere. The wide open spaces and clean mountain air really gives you a different feel about life. You actually see the land in the phrase "Land of opportunity" and there is this sense that you could just grab 50 acres and do whatever you inclined to, just make it happen.

On top of that, I've been traveling with this remarkable man. I don't even know where to begin in describing his life story. He started working for his dad at age 8, washing the trucks for his dad's crews and restocking them every morning at 4:30 before school. He had more money and was at a more mature stage in his life at the age of 14 than I'm probably at even now at 24. From there he went on to being a professional skier, then when couldn't compete anymore he taught ski lessons on one the most challenging resorts in the country. From there he did IT consulting for various banks, then when he wanted to retire a company that had contracted to his forced him to come work with them since they had invested so much into him. He revolutionized the way they built fire engines, allowing the customer to pick and choose the options on the cabs by selecting different radio buttons in a list and showing them in real time a CAD drawing of what their engine would look like. After enough time there, he ended up doing some work for the state of Wyoming counciling mental health and substance abuse youth. He came up with some ideas for how they could run their system better, but they told him he didn't have the credentials to tell them what to do. So from there he headed off to Oxford to get a couple of masters degrees and some PhDs. After teaching there for some time after graduation, he went back to the state and started implementing some of his programs.

That's really only the tip of the iceberg. Each story is more phenomenal than the previous one, and the guy is just a constant inspiration for the "Yes I can" spirit. I feel like he's changed my life, and honestly I want to emulate him as much as I can. There is only one problem. I know already that what is most likely to happen is that after working with him, he'll move on to the next thing and I'll move back to my normal surroundings and that inspiration will seep out, leaving me right back where I was.

It's almost like a natural animal instinct. I play a certain role in my family and at my job, and everyone else has their roles. I'll come back wanting to change my role, to shift everything and have it different. They won't like that so they'll resist and since there is more of them trying to put me back in place and my inspiration for leaving places will be gone, it'll just be a constant effort to try and make change until one side wins, most likely the other side.

So the question is, what do I do? I know what's going to happen in advance. I still want the change. What is it going to take for it to actually happen, for the elements and relational dynamics of my life to actually change?

Recently, there has been some change in my life that has led me to where I am. But it's been slow and it's been hard and I've even had to change my appearance by growing a goatti just to have a physical and real reminder everyday that I'm not some kid anymore and that I should have some power and respect in my community. What does it take to break through the dynamic keeping me in place?

I'm hoping that writing this will at least help. That way when I look back at it later I can think about what I'm feeling now and at least try to remember that rather than having it disappear completely. Maybe while I'm out here I can start taking some steps. A friend called me about the possibility of doing some contracting work, so that's one avenue I can get in motion. I can finally put together the website I've been thinking about doing. Also, a friend at work keeps trying to motivate me, so maybe with his support there is a greater chance that I'll be able to change dynamics.

The sad thing is that it's really my family and some of my friends that are holding me in place. They have very small world views and have adopted the mindset that they have to be employees and that they have to just move up the ladder at someone else's pace because there is some invisible barrier in their minds between where they are and where they would want to be and they are unable to break through it. I've actually known this for about two years now, ever since I did the Rich Dad Training. I also knew that if I wanted to change I had to change who I surround myself with, but I've been very hesitant to do it because I don't want to give them up. But what are you giving up really when you let go of people who want to hold you back and keep you in place? It's sad because they are trying to help, but they are trying to help from their context.

I know eventually everything has to change. I think when I moved back home from college, it was such a dramatic setback that it's taken me years to recover from. The momentum has been building up though, and there has been an increasing change, so maybe this time it will be enough to break free. And if it is not, at least I have this record to look back on and reawaken these ideas in the future. I may lose the battle, but the hope I have is that I can still win the war.

Tired

Today is going to be tough. I haven't gotten ample amounts of sleep the last couple of days so I'm dragging. But that's not that important.

I'm packing in a lot of activities right now. I do Toastmasters every 1st and 3rd Monday of the month, plus the time outside to organize and write speeches. I see a chiropractor on Tuesday every two weeks, plus hit the gym to do upper body work. Wednesday is trivia night plus I try to do a 2 mile run. Thursday is usually the only free night I have, but I've been trying to do this Yoga class and I do lower body weight lifting. Fridays I usually have a shift at GameStop. So the week is pretty full, plus I now have the basketball season starting up.

So yesterday I was looking into different running groups in the area. I'm trying to find something I can join so that I know what races are coming up and I don't have to run by myself all the time. I figure, I already have a bunch of activities I like to do, why not find groups of people that enjoy them as well? There seems to be a couple of groups in the area but they have a 90/10 ratio of guys to girls. I told myself before that I wasn't going to join anymore sausage fest groups. I need a new way to find people my age, particularly females, and sadly all the stuff I have been doing doesn't seem to promote that (Toastmasters, coaching basketball, working at GameStop).

A coworker and I were brainstorming about how I could just start a running group that targets people my age. It sounds like a great idea, and in all honesty I'm a big fan. The problem is that it'll take a lot of time to setup, and frankly I don't want to take on more stuff that may or may not work. If there isn't already a demand, I don't want to spend all my time trying to create one. I did that for the last two years or so and it sucks. I want to do activities that other people actually want to do. It's really depressing to have to spend all your time badgering people and trying to get them to do something and the constant rejection makes you start to feel like you are somehow a lesser person.

Which brings me to another topic. I've found a good group of friends recently. They make me realize how crappy some of my previous friends were. If people don't want to spend time with you or never seem to have time for you, then frankly, they aren't your friends. They may say they are, they may even think they are, but they aren't. Friends are the people you call when you want to do something or you need to talk to someone and they find the time for you. If they don't want to do that, then it's time to find people who will. Also, I'm getting tired of all the cynicism and pessimists. I'm naturally an optimistic person, but other people get to me and their negative attitudes ruin things for me. So I'm just not going to deal with people like that anymore. I'm making the choice to be happy, and if they aren't, then they can be unhappy alone.

A friend of mine recommended I do some speed dating. I hadn't thought about that recently. I tried it a while back with poor results and swore off it, but I might try the actual speed dating thing since what I tried was a little different. I'll have to go into DC to do it this time, since all the people in this area seem to be older.

Another thing that's popped up recently is that I found this girl on one of the free dating sites. For some reason I felt like an intuitive connection to this girl, like I should actually put some effort out to meet her and contact her. She's into swing dancing, so I sent her a message about it. She sent me some info about it, so I'll have to try to go and maybe even meet up with her at an event. Sounds like it could be a lot of fun.

Confused

This is very strange. Everything is going well for me. My relationships with family members and friends is as good as it has ever been. I'm doing a good job at work, making friends, accomplishing tasks. I've even taken some risks and done some new things as of late.

But now I'm wondering, what next? I feel like there is so much I don't know but I have very little way of assessing where I am. It's not even about comparing myself to someone else, or wanting something I don't have. It's more about, am I really reaching my potential? Could I do more? Should I be looking to do more?

Maybe it's a lack of a goal that resonates with me that is the problem. I'm doing a lot of things and making steady progress, but the question is, to what end?

A good example is working out. I'm probably in the best shape I've ever been in currently. But now what? Do I just keep doing what I'm doing, maintaining what I have and maybe continuing to push it up a notch here and there? Or do I try to set some goals with deadlines? Maybe it's more about what speed to operate in.

Maybe that was always the problem before. I was unhappy with where I was, so I wanted everything else to change quicker than it should or maybe than it can. Or I expected more and more from everything, rather than just taking the time to let things develop. Now that I am happy where I am, I should probably "relax and enjoy it". Why rush a change when things are going so well?

Comfort

So, as I mentioned previously, yesterday was the first time I realized how much money I've actually lost in the stock market. I even met with a Financial Adviser yesterday thinking that maybe moving to an asset allocation approach would be a better solution going forward. After meeting with them, I've decided it is not. I was still pretty distraught at that point, and that's when it happened.

Sometimes I start thinking, I'm a good person, I help other people, I try to do my best, why do I never seem to get what I want? It's a dangerous path to start walking down. As of late though, I've had my eyes open enough to see the little good things that pop up and prove that these things are happening for a reason, and in the long run it will end up better for me than I see in the short term.

What happened yesterday was a random conversation I had. I walked out of the financial adviser's office with my head down. Tired, stressed and still recovering from the shock of realizing my loss, I looked like the world had beaten me up. Then the security guard for the area shouted out to me. He basically acknowledged how I looked and I agreed with him, it had been a long day. So we got to talking and he told me about the weekend he had had (he hit some bars with his nephew and from the sounds of it had a good time). He even told me a few jokes that he had learned over the years going to different bars and now remembered them because he retold them here and there.

It was a great time. His jokes were funny, he was a very friendly guy and he really brightened my day. Sometimes the pick-me-ups come from the most unexpected places.

Inside Out

I've done a lot of thinking recently about what exactly I want to accomplish and the best ways to go about it. But one of the key findings I've had is that you really do have to start with yourself. Only be growing strong yourself will you have the strength needed to reach out and help other people. If you build yourself up and put yourself in a position to succeed, then you become a beacon for others.

The hardest part of helping yourself is that since you see things through your eyes all the time and you are always present in what you are working on, you lose the ability to see change over a long period of time. For example, when you start working out and getting in shape, you see the gradual improvements and your mind starts to adjust to them, expecting them instead of remembering the contrast. So you don't store up that feeling of accomplishment unless you have a snapshot from farther back to compare to.

The nice thing about this is that it provides a great opportunity for other people to help. Since they pop in and out of your life at different intervals, they will be able to point out the bigger changes that you can't pick up on. They can feed you encouragement by giving you a greater range of time to contrast from.

The question I'm left with in all of this is, how do you get an even bigger perspective? How can you tell that the path you are going on it getting you to the right place, or that the place you are trying to get to is actually the right place? I have these 'epiphany' moments at times where I get this understanding and clarity about something I'm doing and then I can't remember why I thought the way I did before.

I imagine that those moments are the real value of experience. You can have all the raw talent and detailed knowledge of some subject, but until you temper them with experience you will never have that clarity of understanding.

Life Purpose

So one of the big questions everyone takes on in life at least at some point or another is, what is the purpose of my life? Or another way of putting it, why am I here?

While there are many articles out there about how to find your life purpose (http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/01/how-to-discover-your-life-purpose-in-about-20-minutes/), I've still not pinned mine down completely. I have taken different steps that seem to resonate better than the path I was previously taking. Before I focused more on doing something challenging that not everyone could do and would have a high potential for helping me to find a job. Now that I have a job, I have been allotted the chance to look at my life with more perspective and start looking for something that fits with who I am and what mark I want to leave on the world.

One of the key steps happened recently when I realized my personality is more INFP than ENFP. It seems like a little thing, and to some people I imagine a stupid thing, but when being more truthful about who I am it has helped me stop thinking that qualities that didn't match up were deficiencies of mine. Now that I've found what seems to be the best match, it's more of a boost than a discouragement because it's all in alignment. It also helped to clarify what other types match up with me and in what roles.

Another key step was joining Toastmasters. I love to write and give inspirational speeches, which is probably why I started coaching. Now that I have a forum where I can do that and continue to grow and refine my skills, I feel like whatever happens with my job I'll have the skills to find a new one doing something that I love. I'm not exactly sure what specifically to use it in, if I should try to become a motivational speaker or a priest or even just get into marketing and sales, but at least I have knowledge of what direction to look.

Finally, the last key step of late has been writing on this blog. I enjoy writing and openly and honestly expressing my thoughts. It helps me to clarify what I'm thinking, see the progress over time, and map out my growth. Plus I hope that it helps to inspire other people to do the same. One of the hardest things is to be truly honest with yourself because it's easy to create cognitive dissonance or let things slide when you are the only one who is suffering, but it does catch up with you eventually. Writing has helped to keep me honest with myself and force me to dig deeper into my thoughts.

So I'm not sure what my Life Purpose is yet. But I'm getting closer and I'm continuing to realign myself with each step, making the next step easier. I use to go to this chiropractor who said that when you fix the initial problems, sometimes it unveils the underline causes. That's what seems to be happening, there are all these layers I've built up with the wrong core fundamental goals. Now, with the right perspective and goals in mind, I'm starting to peel them back and find the truth underneath.

I still have this one goal that I really want to accomplish that trumps everything else. I want to write something that is quoted by lots of people and used to express some wisdom or insight to people even long after I'm gone.

Quiet Confidence

So I've noticed this shift recently. I wrote about this previously, about feeling like being in a current and always trying to fight against it. Now that I've stopped fighting the current and started to go with it, everything in my life is dramatically changing, and for the better. It's like this. Previously, I'd read something, understand the concept, appreciate the inherent beauty of it, and then try to change my life to be more like it. But the problem with this approach is that you are constantly trying to be like someone else. That doesn't work though because you can only be you.

I want to say, it's like I've accepted who I am instead of fighting it. Now when I read something inspiring, it's more like I incorporate it into my philosophy, or see how it applies to what I am doing, but it doesn't change my core goals. Instead of trying to do what seems to be successful for someone else, I just apply the new knowledge towards what I am working towards already, what is important to me. I'm not going to be happy even if I'm successful accomplishing someone else's goals, I'm only going to be happy being successful in being me and accomplishing my goals.

Sadly, the more I write about this the more it seems like obvious common sense, but I say again, it's not so obvious when you're too close to the action.

The result though is that I'm developing this quiet confidence. This greater understanding of who I am, what unique gifts and talents I have, and how I can develop them and use them to benefit a greater and greater number of people. Growing up, I always felt like I had to be someone else in order to do something people would see as valuable. Like I had to be a engineering type major in order to end up successful or be paid well. But now I'm starting to see the truth in that being a person of value, who has developed their natural strengths and used them to do something in a successful way is always going to be valuable to someone. The better I develop, the more value I'll have.

Previously, all my actions were reactionary, or almost in desperation. I was uncertain of who I was, so I'd be the person I thought other people wanted me to be instead of being true to myself. Now, I'm more honest with myself and what is important to me. Now I have a core philosophy that governs my actions, helps me to see what choice is correct for me regardless of the situation or person I'm dealing with at the time. It's like with the Catholic church, any new issue that comes up, they already have a position on it based on their core belief structure. I know what I believe to be true, and I act accordingly. I had this to some degree before, but before there was always this fear like what I believed was wrong or unacceptable, like everyone had to agree with it or if they didn't something I was doing was wrong. But now I understand that I have to do what works for me, based off of what I want and what I believe to be true, otherwise I'll never be confident in my actions. Now I follow what comes naturally because I have more trust in my own decision making.

In part I have to thank Steve Pavlina for this. Reading his book and writings has gone a long way in giving me a proof of example as to how being yourself is rewarded by the world. I'm a little sadden though, because in this move he's made to a pure raw diet, he seems to have made a shift that's made it harder to relate to him. It seems to be very good for him, but it's not something either I'm ready for or that I'm considering in my own life at this time, so I feel like we're falling more and more out of sync. I truly hope that this is not the case and that he'll keep writing in a way that I can continue to grow from, but as of now I'm worried based off some of his most recent posts.

Walking Zombie

So I've been shifting my schedule earlier all week. Part of the motivation has come from the numerous articles I've read about the advantages of getting up early. Part of the motivation came directly from talking to a good friend of mine who goes to bed early and gets up early (I figured if I'm more aligned with her schedule, I'll be more likely to meet more people like her). This is day four of waking up a half hour earlier (not a half hour earlier each day, just one half hour earlier than I'm use to). The experience so far has taught me a lot of things.

First, if other people are as tired as I am now, but on a normal basis, that would explain a lot. I'm irritable, crabby, lazy and quick to anger. My fine motor coordination has dropped significantly, I almost feel like I'm drunk. Today on the way to work, I honked at a few people and maneuvered around them because their driving, which was pretty on par with the standard poor driving, was too much for me to be on the defense for. I just wanted some separation from everyone else because I knew I wasn't going to have the reaction speed necessary to do emergency maneuvering if they started edging into my lane or cut me off.

Second, I understand this addiction to coffee that everyone seems to have. While I personally have not submitted to drinking coffee, I have bought myself some candy bars the last few days just to try and get a boost that will help carry me through the rest of the day. The idea of a 9-5 work day seems really stupid in my eyes. Personally, I'd be more productive if I had just stayed in bed until I got enough sleep to function correctly and then came in and worked the rest of the day. I see how this isn't the employer's fault, but allowing a more flexible work schedule as long as the work gets done cannot possibly be a bad thing. I'll have to reevaluate once I've fully adapted to the new schedule.

Finally, this has been my experience with the change. So far it has been almost impossible to actually fall asleep earlier. I imagine I could take some supplement like melatonin or serotonin (whichever it is, memory problems have also started to occur with sleep loss) and that would help me to fall asleep. I did fall asleep a little on the early side last night, only to wake up 4 hours later. This had the unfortunate side effect that taking a nap when you really want to go to bed for the night would. I couldn't fall back to sleep for about 3 hours after this. On the other end, waking up has taken a little more effort just with the initial step of getting out of bed. I've read and found to be true that if you get up when your alarm first goes off you are more likely to stay awake and the process is easier. The only additional difficulty has been going through my normal morning routine with less fine motor coordination. I've actually run into a few walls, I guess because I figured that I had walked far enough to get around the corner or through the door.

I'll report further once I have adapted to the change better, but so far the costs have been outweighing the benefits. I'm hoping with the daylight shortening, I'll at least have the benefit of enjoying a little extra sunlight than I would have gotten. If this does start to work and I end up pushing earlier, I hope to be able to exercise some in the morning before going to work. I'm not sure how early I'll have to get up in order to do this, or what the best time to get into work in the morning is, but that'll be thoughts for down the road.

New Direction Thoughts

Some men have had a deep conviction of their destiny, and in that conviction have prospered; but when they cease to act as an instrument, and think of themselves as the active source of what they do, their pride is punished by disaster. …The concept of destiny leaves us with a mystery, but it is a mystery not contrary to reason, for it implies that the world, and the course of human history, have meaning.

I found this quote in a blog I was reading earlier today.
(http://www.soulshelter.com/2008/09/21/how-to-work-without-working/)

It felt very inline with what I've been thinking and experiencing lately.

For a long time I've had this sense like I have to force all these things to happen in my life because I have this sense that I'm destined to do more than I'm doing. Usually, the result of this is me expending all this time, effort and energy into making something happen, with the end result being frustration and more of the same.

So instead, I'm trying to take the perspective more of the observer. I have certain talents and abilities and I'm going to continue to work on developing them. While I do it, I'm going to keep my eyes open for the opportunities that come along, rather than trying to force them to appear. That way it's more of an organic growth, rather than something manufactured and over hyped. I'm focusing on something I enjoy and am good at, rather than trying to be someone else just for perceived benefits.

While the opposite approach seems to work for some people, it doesn't seem to work for me. I have this deep belief that you have to work for and earn what you have, that your status changes as you grow. So when I try to take shortcuts, I sabotage myself because I don't believe it is either fair or honest or I get this sense of guilt.

I have noticed an improvement since I've shifted in my thinking. An example is with running. I like running, I do it for fun and enjoyment. But now I'm getting to the point where I can run further distances, so I've started doing 3K, 5K and 10Ks. This has opened up new topics of conversation, helped me to meet new people and has just been an overall positive experience in my life. It all happened without me having to beat everyone over the head around me and get them excited in it, or rely on other people to help inspire me to want to do it. I don't do it because I think I "should" do it, or because other people have told me to, I do it because I enjoy doing it.

Somewhat related to this is another concept I've heard about a lot recently. The idea of "media fasting" or "commercial fasting", basically avoiding other input for a certain amount of time in order to get in better touch with what you want. I'm finally starting to understand why and how this works. By removing the influences around you, the focus starts to shift more onto what you naturally like or dislike in your life. For example, if you work at a job you hate just to pay the bills so you can live in a large house, something may be wrong. Maybe you'd be happier working somewhere else for less pay and the overall total happiness would be higher even if you had to move to a smaller place. It seems pretty logical since you have to work so long or hard that at the end of the day you can't even enjoy the large house anyway.

Different

I feel really different today. I'm not sure what to make of it, like if it is a good thing or a bad thing.

Normally I have this anxious or almost nervous energy, like I have to do something big and dramatic right now to change something in my life so that it's better. But today, I feel different. It's like this content happiness.

I think I normally picture this world where everything is this idealization that seems so perfect, and I want that to be my life, I want to change everything to be like that world. But recently I've started to let it go. I don't really think it exists.

Now, you're probably thinking, what? How is that a good thing to give up on your goals and just start to be content?

Well, I think it's a little different than that. It's more like I have goals, I want to be happy, and I do want some areas of my life to change. But at the same time, the ideal world I picture is never reality, it's always just a fantasy. And usually, it's a fantasy so outlandish that it's just not possible. So by thinking I can have that, or that I should want that, I miss out on the little things that make me happy, or that will start to change my life in positive ways, because I'm always looking for bigger things that will cause instant and dramatic change. But it just doesn't work like that.

It's like working out. If you're out of shape and you think there is some pill or some magic exercise that's going to make you have a perfect body, then you're going to get very discouraged and quit. But if you realize that taking a small step now, and progressing at a steady pace, eventually you can achieve your goal, then you have a better chance of making it a reality.

I've used the analogy in the past of this feeling like I'm trying to walk upstream against the current. Well, I think the reason for that is that I'm trying to make everything happen on my own. I'm trying to be this dynamo that's going to make the water start flowing the direction I want it to. But I'm starting to think that is what is causing all my unhappiness. By trying to force everything to work, I just get frustrated and stuck where I am, rather than working with the environment around me to get to a better place. I put so much pressure on myself that I become terrified of messing up, and that forces me to mess up.

So instead, I'm just going to start going with the flow. I'm going to do what comes naturally, trust my instincts and intuition and be open to what comes along, rather than trying to optimize everything and passing on every opportunity because it doesn't seem perfect enough.

Again, I'm sure this seems like common sense to everyone else, but it's hard to see what is the cause of the problems in your life, esp when it turns out to be you.

Unstopping the Cork

Have you ever had those moments in life where there is just this big rush or flurry of activity after a long time of nothing? Like all your energy and motivation towards something is just unleashed all at once?

I feel like it's like unstopping the cork. Like you have a goal, but something is holding you back, and you keep wanting to do something about it, but for whatever reason you don't and the energy almost seems to bottle up. And then some event occurs, and the obstacle blocking your path is removed and you just burst forward.

Robert Kiyosaki likes to talk about "expanding your context", this idea that you have to believe something before it can become reality. I'm starting to understand more and more what he means as these things happen. Once my context shifts, then something happens in my life and all of a sudden the problem is solved and it's hard to even imagine what it was like before.

What I find strange about this is how sometimes the event happens without me causing it. Sometimes it's almost like a direct action of me NOT doing anything. I almost think that I try to force things too much, and that the reason I feel like I'm walking upstream in a fast flowing river is because I'm doing that to myself, fighting the current instead of going along with it. It's almost like I have this intuition about what to do, but instead of trusting myself and believing that the right thing will happen for me, I keep trying to make something happen that I think is right or I think is what I want.

Does any of this happen to other people, or is it just me?