Conversations in my Head

Now, before you jump to "Wow, this guy is a crazy.", let me explain.

Sometimes when I'm stressed out, or I feel like someone is expecting something from me that I can't fulfill, I start to have these conversations in my head. Essentially it is very simple. The person I feel like has some demand for my time or some expectation of me is who I converse with. Usually it goes something like this:

"I thought we were going to "

"I'm sorry, I have too much going on and I'm struggling to keep up with it. I feel really overwhelmed."

"Yes, but you know we do , so I'm expecting to do it"

"Yes, I know. I can't though! I'm sorry. What am I suppose to do? I can't do everything for everyone."

"Yes, but still, I don't want to be disappointed."

"I'm sorry, but it can't be about you all the time. This time it's about me, I'm the one who needs help."

"Yes, but I can't help you."

"I know, but you could at least not add more stuff."

"Yes, but..."

After actually writing it down, I'm starting to see why I'm so stressed out all the time. First, I seem to create obligations in my mind that may or may not actually exist. Second, I have an inability to actually let other people help me. Third, I'm always trying to do everything, even though it just isn't possible.

Ok, now you can go to "Wow, this guy is crazy."

Moving to the City

I've decided to make some shifts in my life. The major one I'm working on is moving to the city.

Packing is always an interesting experience. Only by physically going through all your stuff and attempting to figure out how to transport it from location to location do you realize its real value. Some things you gladly find ways to transport. Others you realize are just slow accumulations of things you don't want to invest the time into dealing with.

While moving can be stressful and require a large amount of invested time and effort, I feel like it would be in people's best interest to move every two years. If you have a house and mortgage, maybe you shouldn't actually move but instead still pack up and then unpack all of your stuff.

This sounds absurd I'm sure. It takes a lot of time to move all the stuff around and when you unpacked it the first time you put mental energy into determining where and how you wanted it. The thing though, is over time it is easy to get stuck in a rut. If everything is always done the same, how can you really expect anything to change in your life?

Maybe you're happy with your life and don't want it to change. That's fine. But if you aren't happy, breaking up the routine and changing things around can potentially give you that boost to making life better.

Change can be difficult and often reverts back to old ways. Sometimes though, you can trigger a difference that makes all the effort worth it.

Life Area Effects

I've been noticing lately the combined effects of areas of my life. Say you break an individual down into the following areas:
Physical Health, Employment (Work / Job / Contribution), Financial, Relationships
Each of these elements contributes to some degree to their overall happiness level. Having a strong foundation and support structure in one area will help make up for deficiencies in others. As things change, it could topple over existing structures.

I wish I had a better grasp of this concept. Right now my work life has gone up and down, sometimes adding positive support, other times dropping the floor out from under me. My living situation is in flux as I prepare for a big move, so that has caused some stress. I've developed some good relationships that are adding to my life and providing some solid support.

It's hard to quantify and qualify all these influences and come up with any kind of model for actually objectifying how they impact my life. In order to do that I would need to spend some time clarifying the parameters and logging enough information to start creating definitions and logging real conclusions.

My current goal is to put together a program around this kind of foundation. I'm going to take my business coaching company and turn it into a life coaching company. I'll work with individuals to lay out specific life improvement goals and then design steps they take towards them as well as ways to measure them and record the results.

This is all in a very soft, formative stage at this point, but my interest has been in this kind of thing for a while. I feel like I have a clearer idea of what I want to accomplish with this approach than I had with the business coaching, so making this switch will be a step in the right direction. It's going to take a lot of time and focus though, so I've got a lot of things to take care of first.

I'll try to continue to update the process.

Strange Twist

So after acting like I don't exist for a few weeks, my employer has thrown a strange twist at me. They want me to fly out to Idaho to do some training. But before I get into that, there is a reason this is so odd.

On Monday I went for a run so I could think about my future and what I want now that I know I'm not going to Austin. I ran through some scenarios in my head and there was only one that really felt like it resonated. I need to quit my job.

After a little more thought, I realized that it all lines up just right. I can quit on May 29th, which is the two year anniversary of when I started working here. That gives me a month to make arrangements and make sure I'm not jumping into a big pile of nothing or some fleeting hopes and dreams of magic success.

My idea is to switch to doing consulting work on a case by case basis. That way instead of having my employer be my only customer, I can start to diversify and build a bigger base of skills and contacts. If I build my income back up to the current level in that model, there is still a growing potential for more income sources and areas to test out. Also, there is more risk but more control since the more time and effort I put into it, the more I should get back out.

Following this line of thought, I'd have to give my two week notice on May 15. Interestingly enough, now they want me to fly out on May 19-21.

So I'm a little torn. At this point this is all still a work in progress. Most of the advice I've gotten since I came up with the idea has been to not jump into something unless I have a plan. I have two weeks to put something together, so I'm going to see what I can do. The Toastmasters conference is this weekend so I figure that and Craig's List will be my best bets for starting to build up a network of clients.

So, here goes nothing.

Plan B

I've spent the last 3 months working on an application to a business school in Austin, Texas. As I've mentioned in the past, my goal is start my own business, and I've attempted this several times now. This school is built around accelerating students through the learning curve so that they have all the tools they need to do just that. Unfortunately, I was rejected.

So the question is, now what?

Before I answer that, what really bothers me about this is something that happened that made me apply to the school. I was reading their website after hearing about it from my brother and I got this feeling. It was more than a gut feeling, it felt like it came right from my bones. Like everything that makes me who I am was pulling me toward this school. It just felt so absolutely right. So to get that feeling, put all the work in to apply to the school and then get rejected is soul crushing.

So now what? Now I figure out what Plan B is and do that. The nice thing about this process is that it has helped me identify the areas in my life that must change and the strong areas that I don't want to change. So I have to start cutting out the bad and building on the good. Even though I won't be doing what I so desperately wanted to, at least I know what needs to be done. I think it's false to pretend like rejection is really something good, I mostly think people are just lying to themselves when they say that. I am going to try and get at least something from it to help soften the impact of the blow.

Perspective

I think I'm starting to get a better understanding of how people see me. This is mainly because of the people who are doing to me what I must do to other people.

Let me take a second to explain. When people send me emails, I respond usually within the hour if not immediately. When people call me, even if they don't leave a message, I call them back, usually right when I see the missed call.

Recently I've met some people who respond constantly with no delay to any message they are sent. It's nice at first, but then after a while you start running out of stuff to say back. They're all about results, results, results. I don't have any results for some of the stuff I'm working on. It's because I'm afraid and don't put the effort into it that I should. I know this, I hate this, but it's extremely hard to force yourself to act on something, even when you don't have anything else to do.

So clearly I do this same thing to other people. They're doing what they want and moving at their own pace and enjoying it and I keep making demands of them to do more or do what I think they should. That must be really annoying.

Knowing this, I'm not sure what is a good solution. Most people seem to be able to generate stuff to do when they are bored. Maybe my lack of focus on detail is what saves me time but then kills me later because of the lack of recall. Also, my jumping from thing to thing leads to a large amount of projects left uncompleted or pending. I never seem to make the time to accomplish big things.

Ironically enough, the big things that I have accomplished and taken the time to do right are the ones I usually end up happy about. An example is my car. I took a long time searching around to determine all the criteria that mattered to me. Then I tried out a lot of cars and finally had put together all the info I needed to make a decision. To this day I'm extremely happy with and excited about my car.

I think the reason I have a problem at work is because of my location. Being in the middle of an open cubicle room, I feel like people can always see what I'm doing. This makes me think I have to always have the appearance that I'm working or busy, even when I'm not. Even when I am working, I feel like any distraction pulls my focus away even when wearing headphones. So I have a situation where I'm setting myself up for failure.

Having these thoughts is always a dual edged sword. It's like now you know what the problem is, but most of the time the solution seems out of my control. So you end up just stewing in the problem.

Qualified

I had written a post a while back about what it takes to be able to charge someone for services. In other words, how much knowledge and experience does it take to justify billing someone. The answer is surprising.

If you are like me, you grew up going to a school till you graduate and then moving up to the next school. You may have stopped at high school, college, post graduate studies, or maybe you are still going. The idea though, is that by completing all the school programs you are gaining a specific knowledge that makes you qualified to be payed. After growing up with this, you are conditioned to the idea, thinking that is the only way things work. The reality is different.

We see alternatives all the time. The guy selling flowers on the side of the road doesn't have a degree or certification in biology or horticulture. He just has flowers. You have a need for flowers, so it is worth it to you to exchange for them. All he had to do was get the flowers and position himself in a place where the price he is set is less than the value of the flowers to the people passing by.

So there you have the answer to qualifications. What qualifies you is your ability to secure a resource, set a price, and get a level of exposure. Nothing else is required.

This can be misleading though, because it brushes over the hardest part. That is, actually doing it.

The main reason the average person has one job as their sole source of income is because it is easy. You gained the qualifications, you got through the interview, now your reward is to just show up everyday and then receive a paycheck for your efforts. You have earned the right to put in your eight hours and then go home and watch TV, with two days out of the week left free for you.

So now the question is no longer are you qualified but rather, are you willing to do the work.

Social Dynamics

I had this idea that after everyone graduated from middle and high school, and even perhaps college, that there would be this shift away from clique and pack dynamics. I thought that when you "become an adult", there is this transition process where each person can act as a fully functioning unit. I was wrong.

It turns out that this almost instinctive, even animal-like desire to be part of a group, and the pecking order that goes along with it, does not leave us as we get older. All that changes is how it is expressed, mainly in the shift to the work place or in your family life.

Each group has a leader, the alpha male (or female depending on the situation) that decides the direction the pack takes. Below are different classes, usually specialists in different tasks that are needed to supply the pack with various resources required for survival. Finally at the bottom are the sick and/or weak members that are supported by the strength of the rest of the group.

Now that I understand this, my goal has been to become the alpha male in every group that I am in. What's interesting about this is that it is entirely possible, and everyone can do it by adopting certain habits. For example, your posture when with others is critical. Do you slump your shoulders? Do you pull arms and legs tight around you? These things project a lack of openness as well as weakness. Standing tall with legs shoulder width apart and arms by your side is more open and inviting while still being strong and assertive. In situations that require leadership, like planning or preparation, do you hesitate and wait for direction or permission from others, or do you jump in and start running the show? If you want to be a leader, you can not wait for permission to become one, because if you're waiting for permission then you aren't the leader.

I do offer this warning though. If you are not a leader and do not know what you are doing, then stop. Take the time to learn first, then once you have reached a level of comfort in various fields, then start directing others. Do not take control of situations that you are not ready for or your weakness will eventually come out and you will lose your status, or worse. Being an alpha means that there is always others beneath you trying to rise up that you have to guard yourself from. It's not an easy path to be on top, but it reaps the best rewards.

If you want to learn more about this, let me know and I'll expand on it.

Long Journey

So, after a long year, I think I'm finally back to about where I was a year ago. What I mean really, is that I'm ready to start my own business again. But I'm going to do it a little differently this time.

Last time, my idea was to do the Rich Dad approach, which basically says that it doesn't matter what business you start, just go do it. The only problem though, is if you start a business and you don't care about it, then you're not going to get very far. So that line of thinking had me deliberating for about a year about what kind of business I actually want to start. What is something that I actually care about and want to do.

I finally figured it out. I'm going to start a business doing business consulting. What this essentially means is that I'm going to find small businesses that are already operational and go in and help them to become more profitable or grow. I'm building my own model for how to do this based off of a mixture of the plethora of sources I've read that suggest different ideas. I'm going to add in my knowledge of the new technology that is available and help these small shops in this dark economic time.

Finally I feel like I have all the tools I need, the initiative and the plan as well as the confidence. There are a lot of other little tricks and details that I'm not going to elaborate on because they are my clever innovations that I don't want people to take and run with. The point though is that finally I have a solid goal again, something I can break into steps and start working towards.

It's been way too long :)

Context Change

So I'm out in Idaho for work this week training various groups of providers on how to use our software. Just being out in the West is completely different from the normal East Coast atmosphere. The wide open spaces and clean mountain air really gives you a different feel about life. You actually see the land in the phrase "Land of opportunity" and there is this sense that you could just grab 50 acres and do whatever you inclined to, just make it happen.

On top of that, I've been traveling with this remarkable man. I don't even know where to begin in describing his life story. He started working for his dad at age 8, washing the trucks for his dad's crews and restocking them every morning at 4:30 before school. He had more money and was at a more mature stage in his life at the age of 14 than I'm probably at even now at 24. From there he went on to being a professional skier, then when couldn't compete anymore he taught ski lessons on one the most challenging resorts in the country. From there he did IT consulting for various banks, then when he wanted to retire a company that had contracted to his forced him to come work with them since they had invested so much into him. He revolutionized the way they built fire engines, allowing the customer to pick and choose the options on the cabs by selecting different radio buttons in a list and showing them in real time a CAD drawing of what their engine would look like. After enough time there, he ended up doing some work for the state of Wyoming counciling mental health and substance abuse youth. He came up with some ideas for how they could run their system better, but they told him he didn't have the credentials to tell them what to do. So from there he headed off to Oxford to get a couple of masters degrees and some PhDs. After teaching there for some time after graduation, he went back to the state and started implementing some of his programs.

That's really only the tip of the iceberg. Each story is more phenomenal than the previous one, and the guy is just a constant inspiration for the "Yes I can" spirit. I feel like he's changed my life, and honestly I want to emulate him as much as I can. There is only one problem. I know already that what is most likely to happen is that after working with him, he'll move on to the next thing and I'll move back to my normal surroundings and that inspiration will seep out, leaving me right back where I was.

It's almost like a natural animal instinct. I play a certain role in my family and at my job, and everyone else has their roles. I'll come back wanting to change my role, to shift everything and have it different. They won't like that so they'll resist and since there is more of them trying to put me back in place and my inspiration for leaving places will be gone, it'll just be a constant effort to try and make change until one side wins, most likely the other side.

So the question is, what do I do? I know what's going to happen in advance. I still want the change. What is it going to take for it to actually happen, for the elements and relational dynamics of my life to actually change?

Recently, there has been some change in my life that has led me to where I am. But it's been slow and it's been hard and I've even had to change my appearance by growing a goatti just to have a physical and real reminder everyday that I'm not some kid anymore and that I should have some power and respect in my community. What does it take to break through the dynamic keeping me in place?

I'm hoping that writing this will at least help. That way when I look back at it later I can think about what I'm feeling now and at least try to remember that rather than having it disappear completely. Maybe while I'm out here I can start taking some steps. A friend called me about the possibility of doing some contracting work, so that's one avenue I can get in motion. I can finally put together the website I've been thinking about doing. Also, a friend at work keeps trying to motivate me, so maybe with his support there is a greater chance that I'll be able to change dynamics.

The sad thing is that it's really my family and some of my friends that are holding me in place. They have very small world views and have adopted the mindset that they have to be employees and that they have to just move up the ladder at someone else's pace because there is some invisible barrier in their minds between where they are and where they would want to be and they are unable to break through it. I've actually known this for about two years now, ever since I did the Rich Dad Training. I also knew that if I wanted to change I had to change who I surround myself with, but I've been very hesitant to do it because I don't want to give them up. But what are you giving up really when you let go of people who want to hold you back and keep you in place? It's sad because they are trying to help, but they are trying to help from their context.

I know eventually everything has to change. I think when I moved back home from college, it was such a dramatic setback that it's taken me years to recover from. The momentum has been building up though, and there has been an increasing change, so maybe this time it will be enough to break free. And if it is not, at least I have this record to look back on and reawaken these ideas in the future. I may lose the battle, but the hope I have is that I can still win the war.

Question

So I have this philosophical questions about how the world works. When you find something that you are good at, and you start doing it, is that when you actually start getting what you want?

I'm a good writer, speaker, trainer and manager. Now I'm finally actually starting to do these things in a professional capacity. Does that mean that my company should actually start paying me a higher amount since I'm producing more value?

I figure, I can wait it out for a while, see what happens. In the mean time I'm going to follow my sister's advice in continuing to build my network inside and outside the company. I guess I'll see what opportunities comes from that.

Eventually I think I'm going to start trying to find ways to give public speeches for a fees and such, and then try to continue to grow the audience. I'm not quite to the level where I'm comfortable with thinking that I should charge people to hear me talk, but with more practice I feel like I'll get there.

Philosophizing

So everything is going very well. My job is picking up and changing into new areas that I'm more interested in pursuing. There always seems to be some social event to go to and I feel comfortable with just calling people up and seeing what they are up to (before I always thought I would be interrupting something or bothering them). My extracurricular activities are teaching me new skills and opening up some new opportunities (running, speaking, coaching).

The only thing is that I feel like I'm missing a guiding direction. Like some true passion or calling that should keep me directed in the right direction, doing the right things to accomplish some great big goal for what I want out of life. I'm still not sure what that is or what kind of thing it even should be. It's like I'm playing an open world videogame, and I've been doing all the side quests, but now I want to keep going with the main quest but I don't know what it is.

My only current theory goes along with what I was saying to the kids on my team at our first basketball practice last night. We started with the basics, just shooting, passing, defense. And once you have a good feel for the basics, then you start building on them, give-and-go, back door, trapping, different elements that are more complex, but have greater results. That's my only theory right now as to what to aim for next. Now that I have all the basics, now it's time to build on them. You've got to keep the basics fresh and strong, otherwise the new layers will collapse the whole thing, but that is the best idea for the next direction that I've had as of yet.

What I've been mainly trying to add is a dip into the dating scene. I'm trying to get more comfortable with just meeting new people and talking to them. Forget trying to put together dates, forget deciding if this person is marriage material, I just want to meet someone new and talk to them. I did that on Friday night and it was a good time. I didn't feel like there was anyone new that I should really start trying to see again, but I had fun just chatting with new people. Previously I had a lot of inhibition about doing this because everyone else drank and I didn't and I'd go out by myself and feel like a lonely loser. But I've recently discovered the miracle that is beer and it's made everything a lot more fun with a lot less stress.

Next week I'm flying out to Maine and then I'm flying out to IL for Halloween with my brother. He's a social guy and can have a good time without me feeling like I have to babysit him like some of the people I've been hanging out with. Really, he completes this element I'm missing, which is just having someone else who knows how to have fun to go out and do stuff with. It's funny because he's always kinda been the Ying to my Yang in a sense, so I should have really thought about this before, but he's been out in IL so that's been the limiting factor. It should be a great time so I'm really looking forward to it.

Tired

Today is going to be tough. I haven't gotten ample amounts of sleep the last couple of days so I'm dragging. But that's not that important.

I'm packing in a lot of activities right now. I do Toastmasters every 1st and 3rd Monday of the month, plus the time outside to organize and write speeches. I see a chiropractor on Tuesday every two weeks, plus hit the gym to do upper body work. Wednesday is trivia night plus I try to do a 2 mile run. Thursday is usually the only free night I have, but I've been trying to do this Yoga class and I do lower body weight lifting. Fridays I usually have a shift at GameStop. So the week is pretty full, plus I now have the basketball season starting up.

So yesterday I was looking into different running groups in the area. I'm trying to find something I can join so that I know what races are coming up and I don't have to run by myself all the time. I figure, I already have a bunch of activities I like to do, why not find groups of people that enjoy them as well? There seems to be a couple of groups in the area but they have a 90/10 ratio of guys to girls. I told myself before that I wasn't going to join anymore sausage fest groups. I need a new way to find people my age, particularly females, and sadly all the stuff I have been doing doesn't seem to promote that (Toastmasters, coaching basketball, working at GameStop).

A coworker and I were brainstorming about how I could just start a running group that targets people my age. It sounds like a great idea, and in all honesty I'm a big fan. The problem is that it'll take a lot of time to setup, and frankly I don't want to take on more stuff that may or may not work. If there isn't already a demand, I don't want to spend all my time trying to create one. I did that for the last two years or so and it sucks. I want to do activities that other people actually want to do. It's really depressing to have to spend all your time badgering people and trying to get them to do something and the constant rejection makes you start to feel like you are somehow a lesser person.

Which brings me to another topic. I've found a good group of friends recently. They make me realize how crappy some of my previous friends were. If people don't want to spend time with you or never seem to have time for you, then frankly, they aren't your friends. They may say they are, they may even think they are, but they aren't. Friends are the people you call when you want to do something or you need to talk to someone and they find the time for you. If they don't want to do that, then it's time to find people who will. Also, I'm getting tired of all the cynicism and pessimists. I'm naturally an optimistic person, but other people get to me and their negative attitudes ruin things for me. So I'm just not going to deal with people like that anymore. I'm making the choice to be happy, and if they aren't, then they can be unhappy alone.

A friend of mine recommended I do some speed dating. I hadn't thought about that recently. I tried it a while back with poor results and swore off it, but I might try the actual speed dating thing since what I tried was a little different. I'll have to go into DC to do it this time, since all the people in this area seem to be older.

Another thing that's popped up recently is that I found this girl on one of the free dating sites. For some reason I felt like an intuitive connection to this girl, like I should actually put some effort out to meet her and contact her. She's into swing dancing, so I sent her a message about it. She sent me some info about it, so I'll have to try to go and maybe even meet up with her at an event. Sounds like it could be a lot of fun.

Progress or Depression

So everyone has something. Maybe you don't know what it is yet, but you have something, some little defect that makes you who you are. It could be OCD, it could be an eating disorder, it could be any number of things. But it's something. I have Depression.

It seems that the current theory is that my new passive trend may just be the first step towards a seasonal relapse into a Depressed state.

I thought I had beat this. I work out so that I'm in good shape. I changed my diet so that I get Vitamin D and I even take fish oil supplements for the Omega 3. I keep a pretty strict sleep schedule.

I can't even write about this.

I'm probably bipolar, since that's what my great grandmother was. That nervous energy I wrote about is probably a manic state that just recently came to an end and now comes the depression state.

I hate this.

I guess we'll see.

Quiet Confidence

So I've noticed this shift recently. I wrote about this previously, about feeling like being in a current and always trying to fight against it. Now that I've stopped fighting the current and started to go with it, everything in my life is dramatically changing, and for the better. It's like this. Previously, I'd read something, understand the concept, appreciate the inherent beauty of it, and then try to change my life to be more like it. But the problem with this approach is that you are constantly trying to be like someone else. That doesn't work though because you can only be you.

I want to say, it's like I've accepted who I am instead of fighting it. Now when I read something inspiring, it's more like I incorporate it into my philosophy, or see how it applies to what I am doing, but it doesn't change my core goals. Instead of trying to do what seems to be successful for someone else, I just apply the new knowledge towards what I am working towards already, what is important to me. I'm not going to be happy even if I'm successful accomplishing someone else's goals, I'm only going to be happy being successful in being me and accomplishing my goals.

Sadly, the more I write about this the more it seems like obvious common sense, but I say again, it's not so obvious when you're too close to the action.

The result though is that I'm developing this quiet confidence. This greater understanding of who I am, what unique gifts and talents I have, and how I can develop them and use them to benefit a greater and greater number of people. Growing up, I always felt like I had to be someone else in order to do something people would see as valuable. Like I had to be a engineering type major in order to end up successful or be paid well. But now I'm starting to see the truth in that being a person of value, who has developed their natural strengths and used them to do something in a successful way is always going to be valuable to someone. The better I develop, the more value I'll have.

Previously, all my actions were reactionary, or almost in desperation. I was uncertain of who I was, so I'd be the person I thought other people wanted me to be instead of being true to myself. Now, I'm more honest with myself and what is important to me. Now I have a core philosophy that governs my actions, helps me to see what choice is correct for me regardless of the situation or person I'm dealing with at the time. It's like with the Catholic church, any new issue that comes up, they already have a position on it based on their core belief structure. I know what I believe to be true, and I act accordingly. I had this to some degree before, but before there was always this fear like what I believed was wrong or unacceptable, like everyone had to agree with it or if they didn't something I was doing was wrong. But now I understand that I have to do what works for me, based off of what I want and what I believe to be true, otherwise I'll never be confident in my actions. Now I follow what comes naturally because I have more trust in my own decision making.

In part I have to thank Steve Pavlina for this. Reading his book and writings has gone a long way in giving me a proof of example as to how being yourself is rewarded by the world. I'm a little sadden though, because in this move he's made to a pure raw diet, he seems to have made a shift that's made it harder to relate to him. It seems to be very good for him, but it's not something either I'm ready for or that I'm considering in my own life at this time, so I feel like we're falling more and more out of sync. I truly hope that this is not the case and that he'll keep writing in a way that I can continue to grow from, but as of now I'm worried based off some of his most recent posts.

Unstopping the Cork

Have you ever had those moments in life where there is just this big rush or flurry of activity after a long time of nothing? Like all your energy and motivation towards something is just unleashed all at once?

I feel like it's like unstopping the cork. Like you have a goal, but something is holding you back, and you keep wanting to do something about it, but for whatever reason you don't and the energy almost seems to bottle up. And then some event occurs, and the obstacle blocking your path is removed and you just burst forward.

Robert Kiyosaki likes to talk about "expanding your context", this idea that you have to believe something before it can become reality. I'm starting to understand more and more what he means as these things happen. Once my context shifts, then something happens in my life and all of a sudden the problem is solved and it's hard to even imagine what it was like before.

What I find strange about this is how sometimes the event happens without me causing it. Sometimes it's almost like a direct action of me NOT doing anything. I almost think that I try to force things too much, and that the reason I feel like I'm walking upstream in a fast flowing river is because I'm doing that to myself, fighting the current instead of going along with it. It's almost like I have this intuition about what to do, but instead of trusting myself and believing that the right thing will happen for me, I keep trying to make something happen that I think is right or I think is what I want.

Does any of this happen to other people, or is it just me?

I Give Up

So I've decided that I give up. I'm always fighting this up hill battle, and frankly, I'm sick of it.

I keep trying to put together events or things to do in order to see my friends, but they never come and never even respond on most occasions. And I just end up alone, with nothing to do. Plus, I live with this "manpire" as I like to call him, since he is only awake during the night and hardly even comes out of his room. I moved in with him as to not live alone, but now I'm thinking I would have just been better off getting my own place.

So rather than keep trying again and again only to be disappointed, I'm just going to stop. Instead, I'm going to put the effort into finding people who I don't have to work to be friends with. People who actually have common interests with me and want to go out and do things.

I don't understand why this always seems to be so hard. It doesn't seem to be hard for other people, they're always posting pictures of themselves with their friends doing different fun activities.

Maybe everything will change after I interview for this second job tomorrow. I'm applying there because I already like and get along well with the people who work there, plus we have a common interest right off the bat. So maybe as they say, it's darkest right before dawn.

Question

I haven't posted in this blog in forever. I realize this. That's probably not going to change.

I've been going through a lot of stuff since my last post, and frankly, I don't really want to share it with the whole world. There have been good things, I bought a car and moved, but the bad stuff has been, well, bad.

One thing I do want some feedback on though is the following questions that I'm pondering:

Where is happiness found? Is it really living paycheck to paycheck to buy nice clothes and go out to bars and clubs to show them off? Paying out money on drinks to forget about what you do during the day and be free to do whatever you want at night? Is it more important to do what everyone else does so that you fit in, or to blaze your own trail doing what you think is right? Is there some middle ground that actually works, or once you compromise your principles have you lost everything?

Everyone else seems so happy with themselves and their lives. I'm always striving for more, pushing myself and those around me. I can't stop, it's just who I am, but people seem to reject me for it.

I don't understand why I seem to see things so differently from everyone else. Am I really that different or have I just separated myself?

I've tried to change who I am. I've tried to be like everyone else, but it just makes me miserable. Does anyone have any answers?

Business Owners

In the past couple of days I've run into a few business owners. What's ironic about this, is that just a few days before this I was complaining to someone that it's hard to find these elusive individuals. Apparently, I was wrong.

The first one I met at Toastmasters. The guy runs a heat pump/air conditioning repair company. While not the kind of business I would probably be good at, just talking to him about how he started his business and how it has evolved was inspiring and educating. Apparently, years back, he was out of work and running out of money with a wife and three kids to feed. So he had to do something and he had to do it fast. He told me that he didn't like fixing heat pumps for apartments and preferred individual residential houses, but when he started out he needed an income fast, so he did whatever work he could find. He always gives his clients a 10% discount of the cost of any work he does, and has built up a client el from word of mouth and the basic advertising he does on the truck he drives. While I didn't ask how much money he makes each year, he said that he has enough business now that he only does private homes and not apartment buildings anymore.

I guess the lesson to learn is that you just need to keep plugging away, working on doing a good job and building a reputation. With a good enough reputation, the word of mouth advertising, which is increasingly becoming the only form people trust, will grow your business. Also, you shouldn't be worried about competition, since by doing a good job and making a name for yourself, there will be enough people willing to pay for quality work to keep you happy.

The second one turned out to be a coworker of mine. Apparently he created a small software client, a web service that it sends messages to, and a website where people can sign up for the software and service. It all seems simply now that he has it in place, and there are lots of ways for him to expand his services. The wider benefit from it, other than the added income, is that putting in the time and effort to make the business has taught him new skills and kept him sharp in different areas. I'm not sure how much money it pulls in, but an automated, subscription based service seems like a perpetual money making machine after the upfront cost and effort.

I guess the lesson to learn is to keep practicing to keep your skills up, but find a way to do it that benefits you outside of just your job. With a little bit of foresight and the willingness to put the time and effort into learning new things and making something that could be useful, not only do you gain confidence but you can gain comfort as well.

I'm glad to meet more and more entrepreneurs because it challenges me to keep going. Also, they are very open and encouraging, willing to offer up advice about what they did or what to avoid doing.

Honest

So I'm gonna be honest. I've been really slacking with my business ever since I read that article talking about how all these people are doing it better then me. I probably would still be more enthusiastic about it now, but I haven't had any luck reaching my latest investor. The prospect of paying $20 a week in parking and trying to get up to a farther away county every Friday just to get 5-10 leads isn't very inviting either. At this point I think I just need to regroup and find a better approach.

The best idea for now would probably be to attend some REI meetings, not as a "Jobber" trying to find investors to work with, but just as someone who wants to learn more about the industry. I think just taking some time to do market research and learn about the purchasing process while I look for my own house would be extremely helpful. Not only would it save me money but after going through it, I'll have experience to look back on and compare with, rather than just playing with the ideas I've read in various books.

Also, I might be able to just volunteer to work with an investor on the weekends who is already doing these deals. That way I see what they do and get some advice, since usually having a mentor to learn from is a great shortcut and extremely valuable. I've noticed that at my day job, whenever I work with a more experienced member of the staff I pick up different tips and tricks that save me time in the future. Plus, by working with an investor, I can get a better idea of the information they want and where they would go to get it.

So for now I'll keep working on trying to find a car, building up my stock portfolio and putting money into my house fund. While I do that, I can start attending REI meetings and see how things go from there. Also, I'm planning on going to a Toastmaster's club meeting this Monday, so we'll see how that goes as well.