Saturday, October 4, 2008


You want to know how depression works? Well, I can give you the insider's picture.

It's start very slowly. It creeps up on you unexpectedly, very sneaky in order to get in under your radar. The first step is that you don't wake up feeling rested. You're always in a slight daze, almost like a fog. If you try to sleep longer, it only gets worse. It's like being dehydrated but the more water you drink, the more the thirst grows.

But then it starts to get worse. The world starts to dim. Colors start to gray. The things that use to bounce off you now start to stick and linger. Each one clings on longer than it should, adding extra weight. It starts to get harder to see things that make you happy, like they are hidden, always slightly out of view. Then the anger starts.

Why anger? Because you're drowning. You're sinking slowly below the surface and every part of you is reaching up, begging for help. But no one seems to notice. You start to feel alone, insignificant, almost non-existent. It's like you're living in the world, but a step outside, watching everyone else. They move so effortlessly, so easily, completely unaware of what you see and of you. You're dying for them to notice you, to want to help you, but they don't, almost like they can't.

So you get angry. You hate them for being different than you. For being happy. And then is all gets so much worse. Now you start looking for reasons to sever your connections. You doubt they even existed in the first place. All that's left is fear and mistrust. You pull back within even more, shouldering all the weight. The water is too high now and you start to resign to your fate. But it doesn't end. That loss of air, that moment of pain doesn't go away to any release into the next life. Instead you sit there on the edge.

You keep clinging on, why? Because that's all you can do. All that's left is numbness or pain.

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