Friday, August 8, 2008


So my life has been getting better at an exponential rate for the last few months. It's to the point now where it's hard to understand why I thought the way I did before. Which is really scaring me right now.

You're probably thinking, "Everything is getting better, what are you scared about?", right? Well, if you don't know why things happen, the tendency is to let it happen again. This is summed up in the quote "Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them."---George Santayana

So at this point I'm trying to figure out how I let myself get to that point. Clearly there were a lot of different factors at play.

Back then I was living at my parent's house, which was very constricting and my parents can be very negative people, so I could see how the environmental factors set the foundation. On top of that, I was driving their car, which they would constantly remind me, so I would feel guilty every time I went anywhere, which led to me being extremely confined and sitting at home all the time.

Further, I was still dating my ex at that point, and while we had an open relationship, which you wouldn't think was restricting, actually had a very negative impact on me. I feel like in a relationship you are either moving forward or you are moving backwards. At that point we were not moving forward, so the end result makes a lot of sense. It was really draining and frustrating to watch a relationship I had tried so hard to make work for five years fall apart. My social structure had eroded to pretty much her at that point as well, so it felt like everything in my life was decaying away from underneath me.

Along with all that, I had just switched jobs. I was use to hanging out at work with people I really liked and were very social. Now I had moved to a company where a majority of the people had nothing in common with me (different age, culture, interests), so that was very isolating. Plus it is the first real job I've had that uses my technical knowledge, but with no overlap with the experience I had learning it in college, so it was like starting all over from scratch.

So with all that against me, I can see why I had become so negative. I guess I shouldn't fear this coming winter, since so much has changed. I'm still cautious though, afraid that it could all melt away again. I guess I should believe that since I was able to come back from all that once, I should be able to do it again, but it's hard when you remember how you felt and how bad it really was. I never want to go back to that.

I'm very thankful for the support structure I have now. My friends are really great, it makes me happy to be associated with such quality people. Also, all the people at Toastmasters have really made me feel welcome and have given me the opportunity to use my gifts to help others, which is such a rewarding experience. And of course there is my family, while they can be judging and harsh at times, I know that at my lowest points, they will always be there for me.

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