Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Rejection and the Darkness

I can feel it. I was scared of this and now I see it happening.

It starts with the internal mental battle. Something goes wrong and then you start coming up with reasons why it went wrong. Then you validate those reasons with examples of other things that have gone wrong. Soon, you're going through every element of your life, seeing only the problems and writing everyone in your support structure off as against you.

It's so hard to fight it.

I don't deal well with rejection. It makes me doubt myself. It makes me feel like an outsider. It makes me feel like I'm less important than everything else. I look at my job, I look at my friends, I look at how I always seem to be by myself and I wonder why am I where I am.

Am I doing something wrong?

Maybe I'm just not getting enough sleep. But then I try to sleep and I can't.

Ugh. All I want is to just be happy. To have a job I feel some kind of identification with. To have friends that call me and want to spend time with me. To live somewhere where I'm not by myself all the time. Why is that so difficult?

Do other people feel the same way, or is it just me?

2 comments:

Thomas said...

I know that sleep is good for me at least, when I manage to get my thoughts out of the way. Meditation is good for that. Eckhart Tolle calls it going back to Source. I try to relax before I go to sleep, and not get too tired. If I'm too tired I have a hard time falling asleep. (How weird is that anyway?)
What EXACTLY makes you happy? Where EXACTLY would you like to live?

~christophany~ said...

I think I'm a bit of a drama queen in that I panic and exaggerate.

It's hard to tell though when you are making slow steady progress and when you should just pack it in and move on.

Meditating before sleep is a good idea. I tend to have a rush of thoughts when I try to fall asleep, like a big "To Do" list forming in my head for the next day, when really I should be relaxing and unwinding. Also, I think I give up and get up too early, probably right before I would fall asleep.