Wednesday, September 17, 2008


I feel really different today. I'm not sure what to make of it, like if it is a good thing or a bad thing.

Normally I have this anxious or almost nervous energy, like I have to do something big and dramatic right now to change something in my life so that it's better. But today, I feel different. It's like this content happiness.

I think I normally picture this world where everything is this idealization that seems so perfect, and I want that to be my life, I want to change everything to be like that world. But recently I've started to let it go. I don't really think it exists.

Now, you're probably thinking, what? How is that a good thing to give up on your goals and just start to be content?

Well, I think it's a little different than that. It's more like I have goals, I want to be happy, and I do want some areas of my life to change. But at the same time, the ideal world I picture is never reality, it's always just a fantasy. And usually, it's a fantasy so outlandish that it's just not possible. So by thinking I can have that, or that I should want that, I miss out on the little things that make me happy, or that will start to change my life in positive ways, because I'm always looking for bigger things that will cause instant and dramatic change. But it just doesn't work like that.

It's like working out. If you're out of shape and you think there is some pill or some magic exercise that's going to make you have a perfect body, then you're going to get very discouraged and quit. But if you realize that taking a small step now, and progressing at a steady pace, eventually you can achieve your goal, then you have a better chance of making it a reality.

I've used the analogy in the past of this feeling like I'm trying to walk upstream against the current. Well, I think the reason for that is that I'm trying to make everything happen on my own. I'm trying to be this dynamo that's going to make the water start flowing the direction I want it to. But I'm starting to think that is what is causing all my unhappiness. By trying to force everything to work, I just get frustrated and stuck where I am, rather than working with the environment around me to get to a better place. I put so much pressure on myself that I become terrified of messing up, and that forces me to mess up.

So instead, I'm just going to start going with the flow. I'm going to do what comes naturally, trust my instincts and intuition and be open to what comes along, rather than trying to optimize everything and passing on every opportunity because it doesn't seem perfect enough.

Again, I'm sure this seems like common sense to everyone else, but it's hard to see what is the cause of the problems in your life, esp when it turns out to be you.

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