Wednesday, September 3, 2008


Today I'm tired. Tired of trying to keep up with everything. There are so many outlets of advice as to what you should do that it is becoming impossible to determine what is right and what is not.

Who would have thought that a world of choice and opportunity would actually be a bad thing? It seems that way though, since there are too many conflicting viewpoints, and not enough universal truth. What criteria do you use to filter out options? What lifestyle choice is actually going to result in happiness?

My head is swimming, my body is exhausted and I'm just tired. I'm stuck sitting here for another 4 to 5 hours, dreaming of a better life, seeking anything to kill the boredom and finding too much to process.

Here is what I don't understand. Is it all really just about doing what will make you happy? Or are you suppose to help other people? Can you help other people if doing something to help them makes you unhappy? What if your happiness really is dependent on people around you? What if you naturally pick up on body language cues that betray deeper emotions people are feeling that they hide? Do you just learn to ignore it and just focus on getting what you want?

I don't know what is right and what is wrong anymore. I feel very lost. I keep trying, trying to be a good friend, trying to be a good worker, trying to be a good person, and trying gets me nowhere but farther lost.

Maybe I just need to start having faith - faith in myself and my ability, my instincts and my intuition to guide me in the right direction.

Today solace is only found in quotes from one of my favorite movies, "Thank you for smoking".


Thomas said...

I think you have to think win-win. How can you help other people in a way that makes you happy? It's the AND instead of the OR. Deep down people want you to be happy helping them.

~christophany~ said...

Yeah, you're right. I think it's about finding the right audience. People who appreciate the talents and abilities that you have that they don't. It gives you a way to help them and develop and express your gifts.

The hard part is connecting to that audience, esp in some form that provides you an income and gives them something in return worth more than what they pay you for it.