Thursday, August 23, 2007


I had this very powerful dream last night. I say powerful, not because it was some epic setting and feel, but more because of the strong emotional feelings I was left with at its end. Let me describe it to you.

I start out booking an airline trip to a Medical conference in North Eastern US. For some reason I booked it minutes before I actually got to the counter where you check your bags at the airport. I had with me my red backpack, which main portion was filled (with I'm not sure what) and only the small bottom pocket had extra room where I was keeping all my papers to detail directions and flight plans.

The clerk was this cute girl about my age who I instantly had a connection with. I was struggling to get all my papers correct. For some reason, the conversation starts with her saying how she hopes I'm better than the last customer she worked with. I had this feeling like, I've been there before, since I've done a lot of customer service work before. I was starving so she offered to help me out while I went to get some food. So I ran up to a Burger King that was in the airport about 300ft away and bought some Whopper juniors, a typical order I get. Then I started eating one while I ran back.

When I got to the counter, she had taken care of most of the bag checking (which is weird since I don't remember having any other bags than my backpack). For some reason she thought I had left and wasn't coming back, so she was happy to see me return. I really got the feeling that this girl was into me. So, even though we finished checking all my stuff that needed to be checked, I wanted to get some extra time with her. I asked her if she could show me where the hanger was for my plane. She agreed and we started walking.

The strange thing at this point is that the perspectives changed. For some reason I felt like I was her, with this anticipation like all I had to do was stall and then he was suppose to ask me for my number or something to show that he was as interested as I was. So we're walking and we reach the hanger.

Now it switches back to me. Here for some reason the attention switches to the hanger, which is more like a lounge. I see all these different people there and I end up recognizing one so I run over to the guy. (a side note, the girl disappears from my dream at this point) The guy is actually this guy I roomed with in college, only briefly though because he moved into my room after this other guy moved out near the end of my sophmore year. He only somewhat recognizes me. Then I see this other guy I know and everything shifts over to him and I go to talk to him.

This guy is someone I went to elementary/middle/high school with. He has special significance because my mom was always comparing me to him. So I go to talk to him and ask him about why he's going to the Medical conference. (This is also strange since he is an engineer and not a doctor) He is there with a few friends and this old guy. I guess the assumption in the dream is that they are all doctors. We start chatting and he says something about how I'd enjoy their laid back lifestyle. I make some comment about how its great and they all laugh. (My assumption as to why they were laughing is because I live at my parents house still). I ask them why they are laughing and the old guy answers. He says something to the effect of how ironic it is that I talk about lifestyle while I have never really ventured forth out of my comfort zone or had any real life experiences. How I've never really lived the life I want.

Somehow he said it in a way that was either saying the reason was because of my lack of confidence or because of my mother. So I asked him which he meant, fully intending to fight with him if he indeed was insulting my mother.

He responded by saying that the reason I was afraid to venture forth was because I did not have any confidence. This was because my core support, mainly my family and even further my mother, has never really been behind my decisions or built me up enough to feel like I have value enough to follow my ideas or stick with my pursuits.

This really hit hard. I asked him how he knew he was right. For some reason at this point he talks about how he knows what its like to have to live through difficulty. He says that he has cancer and only has four years to live. Then he begins to choke or look like he can't breathe. The guy I know from my earlier school years says he needs food for some reason. So I begin to dig into my backpack, trying to find the whopper jrs that I had bought earlier. I can't find them in the front pocket so I start struggling with the back pocket. I'm pulling and tugging on it as this guy is choking and gasping for air, but it won't come open. I get this deep feeling like what I'm searching for, what I need, is inside but I just can't get to it.

Then the alarm clock goes off and I wake up.

I'm left with these feelings of anxiety now. I feel like the old man, like I'm choking and it's only a matter of time. If I don't find what I'm looking for then it'll be over before I know it and I will have nothing to show.

A lot of these concepts that I've struggled with were in the dream.
- Not being able to get my plans together at the airport is symbolic of how I start to feel like I'm lost when I venture out on my own. This leads to me bailing on my attempt instead of continuing to venture forward. I keep coming up with new things I want to do, but when it gets hard or I don't know what to do next I just stop.

- The part with the girl and waiting for the guy to say something. That shows how I feel like I've never developed that confidence with girls that I've always wanted to develop. I've always wanted to break past that fear of asking for a number or somekind of continued relationship further than just an inital conversation. That's more validation that the other person thinks highly enough of me to be attracted to me or sees me as worthwhile enough to want to keep me in their life as more than some random encounter or brief interaction.

- Seeing the guy from my past. I've always had these feelings of inadequacy with my past. Almost like I've wasted so many opportunities and possibilities. I feel like I was always doing stuff because someone else wanted me to or it was expected, I never had that extra push to do better because I really deeply cared or saw the value. I never saw in the activties the future that I wanted, just the situation I'm in now. Working the 9-5 in a cubicle without any real freedom.

- What the old guy said. I was just thinking last night about how I've lost that independance. I've actually lived at home longer after college than I lived on my own in college. People are forced to grow up during certain events some of which being, moving out on their own, getting married (more so living with someone for the indefinate future), having a child. I feel like I grew up and had my life going the way I wanted when I was living on my own, but then it was all stripped away from me when I moved back home. Now I've almost reverted back to how I was in high school before I even got to college. It's this constant jump back and forth from my age and how I should be, versus how the siblings under college age that I live with act. It's like I can't find my identity.

- The choking and not being able to find what I'm looking for. That feels like its symbolic of my current living situation. Like where I am is choking me, keeping me confined when I want to go and experience new things and be out on my own. It's like I have everything I need with me but I can't get to it.

So that leaves me with the question of, what do I do now?

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