Scrolls and the Daily Grind

So tomorrow I will partake in my now weekly ritual of heading to the courthouse. I imagine there will only be a few new leads there, but it'll be worth it. I feel like going somewhere and doing something makes my business feel more real. Although, I am still having trouble with the concept of creating an income, rather than just putting in hours and working for one.

I think its because I look too intently at the current rather than seeing the long term potential. I get so stuck on trying to do something quickly because I want my current situation to change. I'm not sure exactly what is the cause of that, my best guess is because I still live at home.

Today was the start of my last scroll. In January I started reading the book "The Greatest Salesman in the World". It is a great story that contains 10 scrolls of wisdom in it. The first one outlines the process, which is just that you read the scroll in the morning, afternoon and out load in the evening for 30 days so that its message becomes a habit. In truth, I only read the scroll in the morning and outloud at night everyday. But I am finally on the 10th scroll after sitting on the other 8 habit scrolls for 30 days each. I bought the sequel book months ago, so once I'm done this scroll I can move onto reading that. I'm hoping it doesn't have the same kind of format though, since reading these scrolls everyday has become burdensome.

Sadly, I feel like I haven't really developed any of the habits it promotes. I was excited when I first started, and I really tried. The problem is the same as the problem I ran into with the Rich Dad coaching. You have to change how you think, but you also have to change who you spend your time with as well, otherwise you won't end up doing anything different. They give the example of crabs that, once you catch two, will remain in a small container. Even though they could climb out, once one starts to, the other one will pull it back. That's how I feel. Whenever I try to start changing the way I do something, my family routine and mentality pulls me back down.

If I bring this up to any of them they get insulted. I tried to explain it to my mom again this morning but she always get defensive. Then she proceeds to the "I'm doing what I want to be doing" and "you just need to get your head on straight" habitual defense. Then she starts with the guilt of "not appreciating what you have". After a while I've gotten extremely tired of having the same arguments. The problem is that I like to talk out my ideas, and while I live at home the people I talk them out to will always be the same and they will always say the same things.

Well, aside from all that, the routine marches onward. I started to reread "Never Eat Alone", the modern day "How to Win friends and Influence People". I almost feel like its a spit in the face. Clearly the author has had a lot of success, but he also has a different background and situation. His parents made large sacrifices to push him forward, plus they have personalities that support him and encourage him, instead of always thinking in conflict and promoting their own visions of success onto their child. Also, at this point I've been working towards some specific goals for years, it would be a huge waste to do something rash and throw it all away.

The other problem with a lot of these books is that they exist in their own time. They just jump over the hard parts and talk about the rewards. Positive change and success is a byproduct of habitual action over a long period of time. It's hard to do the day to day things and make those sacrifices with only the promise of rewards in the future, esp with the future always in uncertainty. Sure you should find ways to enjoy the present, but that isn't always possible when you get crushed by the quagmire of the normal routine. It seems so pointless to have daily time commitments just for the sake of having them, without any freedom to use that time towards something productive that would require being at another location.

I guess my frustrations really just come from a few specific sources. Clearly I have a conflicting fundamental viewpoint with my parents, and while I live at home this is a constant source of aggravation. Also, I am unhappy with what I do at my job since most of the time I feel like I am trapped at a location, forced to pretend like I am doing something productive when I have nothing productive to do and see little opportunity to find something. I guess that just leads to a continuing cycle of feeling like my talents and abilities go to waste as I sit in a constant state of on call.

I don't have much of a resolution to end with today. I'm just kinda tired and frustrated, trying to push forward to the holiday weekend ahead.